The False Vampire - Comments

I'm not caught up yet, but I like what I've read so far. This is definitely different from the many vampire story that pop up on this sight daily. Your narrator is an interesting character and her voice is very distinct and easy to read. I only actually meant to read the first couple of chapters today, and before I knew it I was ten chapters in. I can't wait to see where this goes.

I'm not caught up yet, but I like what I've read so far. This is definitely different from the many vampire story that pop up on this sight daily. Your narrator is an interesting character and her voice is very distinct and easy to read. I only actually meant to read the first couple of chapters today, and before I knew it I was ten chapters in. I can't wait to see where this goes.

I love the layout, simple but easy on the eyes. The 2nd paragraph made me laugh on the human sacrifices. That was witty. I’m generally not into vampire stories, but this one is a real attention grabber. It has a unique plot, and your descriptions are amazing! Keep it up!

I really enjoyed this! I like the way she refers to herself as a vampire, but does not yet know what she truly is. I love the layout. It's so pretty! You have a very nice way of organizing your thoughts. Only a few grammatical errors, but overall: AMAZING!

Wow. This is such an amazing story thus far! I love reading vampire stories, and this one is such a breath of fresh air. I thing the plot summary really drew me in, and even in the first chapter the character of Adrienne seems to be amazingly developed. I can't wait to finish this entire story and just fangirl over it. You're an amazing author, and it's such a blessing to see. Amazing work.

Comment Swap:

I’m not really against vampire stories and I have read a plethora of them, but I like how this isn’t a typical vampire story at all! Not to mention I think the plot summary was very catchy and informing. Despite some choppy and fragmented sentences, I really like the style of writing and the details that you put in. This is a really great story!

Okay, so I'm not quite done reading yet but I'm going to tell you what I think so far :) My first impression was that I love your layout so much! It's a great beige color and the picture at the top is really cool. Your plot is really good too, and I love adrienne as a character and the depth you get into! I'm going to finish reading once this posts haha!

Summary
For a vampire story, the layout seems cute and girly which I hope is a good sign. Vampire stories are most certainly not my thing, but I'll try to go into this with an open mind.

Okay, okay, okay. I think I've made a false start. From the summary it seems the main character, Adrienne, isn't actually a vampire but she might encounter some due to the fact that she's always out and about at night. Things are perking up for me! I like the way you started it off with a little checklist - as soon as I'd finished the checklist I realised this might not be your typical vampire story.

With only a handful of sentences, you've turned me optimistic and I'm already warming to the idea of your story and the main character :)

Chapter one
Adrienne really intrigues me, as does the disease that she appears to have. She seems to be angry at the world, angry at her parents and angry at herself. "Such a bloody vampire" gives off the impression that she's disgusted by her condition and shows how much she loathes herself. Yet, she's not all anger. You've shown how fragile and how much she longs to go outside, out into the sun, and to have a normal life. I can't help but by interested by Adrienne's story.

When she enters her house at sunrise she appears to just be 'going through the motions'. She does this, she does that. I'm not sure if that's what you intended - because she has such a routine, a routine that she has to go by in order to keep her disease in check... or if that's just your writing style.

The last paragraph is quite chilling. Adrienne thinks her little mantra is a secret and she would never think that someone would be watching and listening her at her most vulnerable moment. The last line is especially ambiguous. We're left on a cliffhanger; will this person help or hurt Adrienne?

I think you're a very talented writer. At some parts the writing seems stiff, just going through the motions (still not sure if that was intentional or not), but it's just not something I'm in to. From the summary and the first chapter, it's clear that you're putting a spin on the whole vampire thing, and I like that. For me, personally, I'm not interested enough to read on (but that's honestly just because I don't really care for vampire fiction), but I can tell that you're talented and I'm impressed with your details and your switch up of the old vampire stories. Well done :)

Comment Swap!

I'll admit, I had the same initial reaction as harlequin. girl. Not another vampire story! But yours was different, and I commend you for that. You write well, and you lack cliches which is a good thing. The layout is pretty as well, but you may want to check out that giant gap on your summary. Keep on writing! :)

When I was assigned your story, the first thing I did was roll my eyes. A fucking vampire story? Oh, great! But your summary actually intrigued me a lot. I do suggest maybe, if you’re okay with it, changing your story title because you’re probably missing out on a lot of readers who see “vampire” and keep scrolling like I would have. Also, I’m not sure why there I a huge gap on your summary page before the chapters are listed. Might want to fix that!
So, I love your layout. It’s clean and pretty and the text in large enough to read without being decorative and obnoxious. When you go to a chapter, however, the chapter title hands in an odd spot on the model’s pony tail and, in parts, you can’t even read it.
Your opening paragraph actually does grab me: The cool, crisp morning air pressed into my face, freezing off my nose. The first of the snow had arrived this morning. It fell. It fell on me. This is elegantly descriptive, while also maintaining an ominous and inviting aspect.
Your grammar isn’t great. I’m not going to point out every issue, but things like “more bloody than I prefer” should instead be “bloodier than I prefer.” This version is both concise and grammatical correct. Also, I felt like your opening was a bit too lengthy before anything actually happened and, though I like the ominous way you try to leave the reader wondering throughout the first chapter, a times it becomes less inviting and more confusing. Best of luck!

i came across this through comment swap, i love the layout, its very nice. i love the idea of this story and so far, the plot seems well-developed. i saw very few errors in grammar but otherwise, this is really nice, really unique i like it a lot

Comment Swap:
This is rather interesting. I like your layout, very readable. Your summary gave enough for me to be interested and want to read! Your first chapter was also very good and kept me interested. I didn't see any errors, except in my opinion a few of the sentences were awkward to read. I am going to continue reading more! Keep up the good work! :)

I'm holding u to ur promise. And thank u for telling me that it updated.

I want to say that I don't read vampire stories ever. I like watching TV shows and movies based on them though.

With that being said, I'm going to say that I just read the first chapter and I don't really understand the 'raw meat for iron deficiency' part. I have anemia and you don't need to eat raw meat, just foods with iron in it.

Other than that, I thought it was a good chapter to start out with. It was well written and I hope I can say the same thing for the other chapters.

Your layout and paragraph spacing are perfect. You are an amazing imagery writer :) you read this and you really do feel what the character does. I got a little confused as to times and such a couple of times so you might want to put ***'s occasionally but that's just a suggestion. Overall I loved it and I can't wait to read more :D

[I am using my phone so I am very sorry if something sounds confusing] - in case you didn't notice, I use this excuse on most of the comments I've posted :p

First thing first, I like the layout - it's simple and nice to see, in addition to the welcoming colours you've picked.

I honestly was not interested in the story at first seeing that it has something to do with vampires which is the type of thing I rarely read (but when I do, it's always a long chaptered story). Anyway, as I got to the later chapter when Adrienne finally got the chance to talk to Trinnean. I don't know if it's just me but I absolutely adore their second met. At first I thought Trinnean was trying to kill her or something but turned out he was figuring what Adrienne looked like. It was sweet, really. Which is why I hope they end up together. :p I don't like Jae actually, he's just the type of guy I really don't like. I don't want Adrienne to fall for hiiim. :'( But that's just me. Lol. And while I'm at it, I'm wondering does Adrienne know that Samuel and Jae like her in some way? Or I misunderstand and they don't like her that way? If what I'm asking makes sense to you. Anyhow, Agata was funny the first time she showed up, despite her annoying whining. I thought Elisa was going to be 'Miss Popular' like common stories would go with blondes but glad this isn't as cliched. 

The plot is quite determining. I find myself eager to know more about the folk (which you left hanging at the end of chapter 25) and the purswell, and Trinnean's background. I like how you take it slow to show the mystery but at the same time bothered by the fact that your chapter updates are short.. :( not to push you, though. :0

Although you did a good job in sentence structures (to me), I was slightly disturbed by your missing apostrophe, capital letters and commas in certain cases especially in quotes. It made the story seem rushed. Oh, and the quotes are confusing by whom they were said. There are also careless spelling errors glaring at some parts where 'noise' I suppose should be 'nose'. Other than those, I absolutely love your style of writing.

Honestly speaking, I might or not subscribe to this as it is not the type of story I'd read but at the same time hooked to. Oh and I am glad I found this story to finish reading for 3 straight hours! (believe it or not, it's true) xD

Have a good day and keep writing! You're great ^^,

Good Sypnosis' are really hard to find, and you've absolutely nailed it love. It's descriptive and to the point, I love how you describe it as a disease and lead it into the first chapter, so the reader knows exactly what they're in for. You have superb structure and grammar, I can't stand people who can't construct a story and layout, but you've just knocked me right out of the water.

Good Sypnosis' are really hard to find, and you've absolutely nailed it love. It's descriptive and to the point, I love how you describe it as a disease and lead it into the first chapter, so the reader knows exactly what they're in for. You have superb structure and grammar, I can't stand people who can't construct a story and layout, but you've just knocked me right out of the water.

I really like your description of the disease. You have good details in the first chapter, and I am already hooked. (: your layout is nice and simple, which complements the story itself. I can't wait to read more! Keep writing, doll.

I've only read the first chapter and I'm already hooked. You write so well and introduced the idea so convincingly that it doesn't sound cliche like most other vampire-esque stories tend to. Definitely subscribing! Can't wait to read more :)