Audrey Smiles - Comments

I actually remember this story, aha! Though, not enough to continue from where I left off, so I'll just start from the beginning.

You mixed up definitely with defiantly when you were talking about the summer clothes. And it should be you are standing right in front of me, not stood. And you shouldn't start a sentence with "but" like "But soon she know", it's just a rule. After why couldn't she be a normal child, there should be a question mark not a period. I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, but a "fob watch on a chain" doesn't really make sense. It's a little awkward to say that her limbs were clad in pale skin, because her limb would be all of her arm including skin, you know? If it was bones or muscles you were referring to that would make more sense. It should be non-fiction books, you put an e after the non.

Most of what you need to improve on are small technical things, like awkward wording or just typos and whatnot. I'd say give it a run through again before posting and you can weed out the small things like that, easily done.

I think the fairy concept is pretty interesting, with the bad ones and the good ones and how she is the only one that can see them. I really am interested in her back story of why she's the only one- I mean, there's gotta be something there that makes her so special. I'm really thinking it's her father or grandmother, since her mom seems pretty oblivious to it. I think it's cool too how there's bad ones like the Malachi and good one like Niall. I'd like to point out too I think how they have special names sort of add to their characters. The love-hate relationship with them too is really interesting, I could see why she would have grown to hate these people that make her seem crazy.

And too, I think it's cool how when the fairies don't visit her strange apparitions (or well I'm guessing from the distorted woman and whatnot) do, I'm guessing they're the bad fairies. Malachi piques my curiosity too, with the he's bad, but he didn't seem that harmless. Overall, so far, it's pretty good. :)

I really like this story :) I'm definitely going to subscribe.

Okay, so I remember reading this an insanely long time ago; so long, in fact, that I only remember that this is about fairies and that's pretty much it. So I guess I'll have to start over. First of all, I instantly knew that Parasite made the layout, which is absolutely gorgeous; it really adds to the prettiness of the chapters. I loved the prologue so much. Audrey sounds so cute <3 I love her all over again. However, I noticed that the spacing was a bit off at times, especially at the beginning. It threw me off a bit, but it was nothing too awful. Anyways, this was lovely. It was mysterious and adorable and beautiful and wonderful and I enjoyed re-reading this (: I'll come back and read more later when I can <3 Lovely job! :D

Aww, how sweet! Do we get to meet her cousin? :]

Moreeeee! I'm starting to obsess.. o__O

This story is brilliant! It's intriguing and original, well written and well paced. I really have never been into a fairy story as much as I'm into this one. (And that includes published books)

You really make this story come alive and make the reader want to know what happens, and actually CARE about the characters. Definitely deserves more attention. :)

Excellent idea, need I say more? The layout is beautiful, and only adds to the story. I have trouble finding good fantasy on Mibba(and anywhere), and I'm glad I finally found some. The titles of the chapters and of the story are also very creative.

I really, really enjoyed this! You have a real talent for making a setting completely come alive. The mix of fantasy and reality is absolutely incredible. I love that the creatures are fairies. It gives it a fantasy feel without being cliche. The mental illness aspect is fascinating as well. Lovely job! I'll definitely be keeping up with this one. :)

Man, I haven't read this in a long, long time; please excuse me if I don't quite remember anything, but I'm so glad I claimed this (: Anyways, this is really lovely. The language is really fluid and pretty and you pretty much hooked me in from the first word. I don't find stories like this every day; a lot of the stories that I read, I get quickly bored with. This definitely kept my attention, just like it did when I first read it, and I'm falling back in love with this story. It's so perfect and beautiful; I think I can go on for years and years about its beauty, but I'll stop right here, hahah! Anyways, I think I'll resub this - I'm so sorry that I unsubbed in the first place :( - and get back to you with a much better and in depth comment than this one. Lovely job, hun! <3

I really, really enjoyed reading through this. It was beautifully written and a beautif concept. I've always been interested inthe idea of fairies and you incorporated everything it so easily and it just worked rely well. I loved everything about this, your writitng style fit the content really well and it had the same feel that your banner does. Everything just worked together so well andcame together to create something so beautiful.

I really liked all of the characters in this. They were all introduced at different times and you deal with all in different amounts but they all seem equally developped. It's great that even though you've got a handful of characters, none of them are stock characters and you've made them all such strong individuals even though they might have steroetypical looks or whatnot.

You're a really talented writer and you shouldn't have to keep asking for comments because people should just be praising this from left to right. It's great!

chapter 4:
she has to take those stupid pills, that honestly pisses me off
she's not crazy, she really does se faeries,
it's the doctors and her mother that are the stupid ones
good, at least she isn't taking them, she doesn't need to
oh this Malachi character.. I think he'll be important later ;)
and he seems like a fun character so far
I liked chapter 4 a lot! great job <3

Alright so some things I am going to make comments on as I go. So I really like the layout. It's really nice. Very classy and not overbearing. And there is some issue with paragraph spacing which bothers me since I'm kind of OCD about that kind of thing.

Alright so at the top of the prologue you not only have prologue as the title but also at the top of the chapter content which is a little redundant. Stood behind her were the most curious couple she had ever seen. Should be standing.

Despite the freezing cold February winds they were dressed in what where most defiantly summer should be what were

how could a look that was meant to convey sadness looked to happy on the girl’s face. should be look

“You are stood right in front of me.” should be standing

“Audrey, Audrey asked, should be "Audrey," Audrey said

Alright so despite those things that I pointed out, this is a very interesting and original story. Those little errors don't take away from the story but they are there.

Chapter Two

I really liked chapter two. It's very simple and to the point. It gets across the details and leaves you with questions while answering others. And I also really like the notion of fog following her after she starts the medicine.

Chapter Three

She was sat on her garden swing feeling lonely as usual. should be sitting

At the beginning of the third paragraph you call her Aura.

Áine was stood in front of her with tears in her eyes. should either be was standing or just stood

And they scare me much sometimes that I can’t pretend. should be so much

Audrey turned round so that Áine and Niall couldn’t see heartbreak that was playing across her face. should be the heartbreak

I rather liked how Audrey reacted actually. The anger that she felt at the end. There was something about it that made her seem like she was real and not just a toy or Fey pet

And I also noticed that the chapter titles are telling their own little story and I really like that.

Chapter Four

The hot water ran over the slender limbs clad in pale skin. I absolutely ADORE the imagery in that line!

“What not introduction?” should be no

Alright I like this introduction of Malachi. I have a feeling I am going to love his character

And with that I am ending my review because I want to read this story just to read it already.

This story deffinitley draws me in. I feel like while I am reading it that I am in a fairytale. It is lovely and unique. It is so interesting and I am so curious for what will happen next with the characters. I've never really read anything quite like this on mibba and I enjoyed it very much so far. Keep writing.

I think this last chapter was a great improvement as far as working on your characterization of Joss. I really liked the way you contrasted the two girls, and the way you focused more on the gestures and small details as I suggested. It really made the moment feel more realistic and made me feel like I was more caught up in the moment, if you get what I'm saying.

As far as constructive criticism goes, there was only a couple things that I think could've used some improvement on. I felt like this chapter felt kind of rushed, which is good on one hand because I feel like that's the pace of Joss's thoughts in that moment, but not so good in that I feel like the scene wasn't fleshed out as much as it could've been. For instance, I would've liked to have seen more dialogue between Niall and Joss, maybe even have Joss catch him slipping up once. The other suggestion I have would be to throw in some of Joss's past. We get a lot of information on Audrey's past and why she is the way that she is, but we don't get a lot of that with Joss. You give some traits that Joss has, such as how she's organised and how she always feels like she's in Audrey's shadow, and as a reader, I'd like to know why that is. I sense that Joss is a tad bit envious of Audrey, so maybe you could throw in something that Audrey did in the past to make Joss feel that way.

Overall, I feel like this was a great chapter, and I think you did a brilliant job of describing that feeling of not stacking up to a friend. I feel like I got a better grasp on Joss by reading this chapter, and I hope you continue to expand on your other characters the way you've used this chapter to expand on Joss.

I loved this story so far! I'm only on chapter six at the moment, but it is amazing!!
seems a lot like The Mortal Instruments series, so I LOVE IIIIT. :)

Alright, you're probably getting tired of my comments, but THIS TIME I'm going to comment on chapters 9-11. =D

First off, I really like how you switched focus at the beginning of the chapter to Fiona. I feel like we haven't heard anything from her perspective in a while, so it was nice that you decided to bring her concern in again. I would've liked to have seen more of the relationship between the mother and daughter though, I must admit. It seems like their relationship is solely based on Fiona's concern about her daughter's madness, and that doesn't seem really realistic to me. I'd like to see some sort of happiness in the relationship, I guess.

I also like how you brought in Joss, who was mentioned a chapter or so earlier. I felt like I got a better feel for her instead of just "Audrey's best friend," and I would've liked it if you would've expanded on their relationship a little more in that scene. I feel like I got a glimpse, but I would've loved to have seen more.

I'm normally not a fan of cliffhangers, but I thought you used it well as a transition into the next chapter.

I really liked the twist in that the boy wasn't really Malachi. It added more suspicion towards Audrey as being an unreliable narrator and makes the reader wonder if she really is insane. I also really enjoyed the flow of the opening lines of this chapter, they were just perfection =)

The only constructive suggestions I have for this chapter would be to maybe expand a little more on the bookstore scene between Audrey and Joss, maybe add in some subtle gestures or details that would alert Joss to the fact that something's wrong? Also maybe just expand on Joss's perspective in general because this is the first time we've really read about Audrey from her friend's point of view.

As far as chapter 11 goes, I felt like it was a nice expansion of Audrey and Niall's relationship, and it brought up a lot of questions in my head, which I liked and I can't wait to see if they'll be answered in following chapters. Once again, the only suggestion I really have would be to expand on certain moments, such as maybe how Joss feels about the random guy that just seems to have come up out of nowhere aside from her suspicion, just little things like that.

Overall, now that I've read the whole story, I feel like you have a great and intriguing plotline, and I think you handle the words and the language well. The flow of this story is spot on. The only thing I feel that really needs improving is your focus. I've noticed that the majority of this story is told from Audrey's point of view, and every now and again you throw in a bit told from another character's perspective, which is fine, but I feel like if you do that, you need to put as much emphasis and focus on your other characters and their personalities and characterization instead of having everything just draw back to Audrey. If everything in this story is going to be centered around Audrey, I feel like the story should just be told in Audrey's point of view. Personally, I think the story would be more enjoyable if you just worked on your other characters a little more and put as much detail and personality into them as you do Audrey, keeping the story similar to how it is now, just more in-depth.

Anyways, I hope my comment was helpful. I try to give helpful comments because I know how hard it is to get real feedback on your stories, and I can tell that you want to make this the best story it can be =D

Okay, this comment is based on chapters 6-8. First off, I loved that you incorporated more of the fairies' relationship with Audrey, especially Niall's. I think, so far, that he's the most intriguing character in this story, and I love how you made him so complex. Even though he's very standoff-ish, the reader can tell in these few chapters that he does really care about Audrey, even though he doesn't really show it.

Another thing I enjoyed was the backstory you introduced in the sixth chapter about the different courts of fairies, and I would have loved to have seen that expanded upon.

Um, as far as concrit goes, I don't have much. There's a few spelling/grammatical errors here and there, but it's nothing a beta or a run through the review thread can't fix. Also, half of chapter 8 is in bold, so I'm pretty sure you forgot or had a typo in a somewhere. As far as content goes, I feel like there's a lot of things going on in these few chapters, and while it's interesting, it can get a little confusing, so I'd be a little more careful when it comes to that.

Okay, so I've read up through chapter five, and I must say that this is an interesting story. I really liked that throughout the chapters I read, I was left wondering whether the fairies were real or whether Audrey just thought that they were real, since she was diagnosed as being schizophrenic, and I think that always keeps the reader second-guessing the story, which in my opinion is a good thing. Hmm...the only suggestions I would have would be to include more of Audrey's interactions with the fairies. I feel like I only get the first taste of her relationship with them in the fifth chapter, and I would've liked to have seen that earlier just so that I could understand all of this heart-break and betrayal she feels when they left her. Overall, this a great story!

Okay, so I read the prologue of your story.

Your language is amazing. I especially loved this line: “Audrey, Audrey asked, petulance sneaking into her voice. She was not a child, she was five. “Who are you?”
Your spelling and punctuation is a bit lacking, but it's still very good compared to SOME of the crap I've seen.
I would have liked to see a bit more substance in this first chapter. It seemed like it was too fast with not enough detail. I understand that you might want mystery, but you can still describe the scene. I only say this because I didn't believe what you were writing. I couldn't picture the scene.

I like this and am gonna read more. Good luck and well done. :)

this is awesome i rteally like your style of writing :)