Little Girl, Scream, And I - Comments

Can I just say that this is, hands down, my favorite thing that I have read on Mibba thus far?

I loved everything about it. This, to me, is exactly what a drabble should be; like a mix between a poem and a short story. The way you manipulated the grammar was perfect, and the way you portrayed the emotion was perfect, and the word choice was perfect, and the entire thing was just perfect.

Honestly, if I was at a bookstore, and I opened up a book and saw this, I would buy it, hands down.

I wish I could give you a better comment than this, but I'm just to in love to even think, hahaha.

I suppose this was good...except I had absoluetly no idea what was going on...

gosh love, this is I don't know, I can't some it up in one word.
It's so full of emotions; broken thoughts almost - used to form one.
It's descriptive in it's way; the emotions belong to the people here.
And I feel like I'm rambling, and doing a poor job of a comment. </3
Seriously though, I can't say I love it, because it makes me sad, but I do, in the sense. It's good - with it's sadness; you wrote it well.

I actually really love this. Parts of it reflect how I have felt at times in a somewhat different situation... And I love the way you've done it.

The repetition of such specific words speaks volumes.
The stop-and-go flow of what you've written is exactly how you think and feel in that situation. Like you want to stop, but you just CAN'T.
And when you get a moment to think, you're just absolutely terrified that some day, because you share those genes, you might just end up like them.

This is an incredibly powerful piece. You are an amazing writer.... and I very much hope that you write more like this.

I agree with Alexander Bernadotte about the layout. Layouts are important for stories here; it gives you a feel of what you're about to read.

Other than that one detail, you're a great writer. Keep it up!

All fifty pound four feet tumbling ringlets eight year old beautiful girl of her is beating her palms against her head.
That's such a great description you have there. It gives us all the physical details we need to know in one full swing, and it's poetic too.

I LOVE THIS. Did you get that? Good. You have such a large range of sentence structure here - everything from short, choppy ones to run-ons that really fit what's going on:

thank you for doing my job for helping my child for being caring not condemning for knowing what little girl needs when you do not when you are the reason she needs it.
Probably my favorite run-on here.

And the "thwack" three times at the end...oh wow. So powerful. I almost got a headache imagining it, haha.

This was superbly done. You have some major skill (:

The layout is too boring - you need a nice layout for a good drabble like this one so as people will read it. Appearence is everything. You need to space out the actual content of this a bit better, double space between each line and for a seperate paragraph, double space and use ***. This is truly heartbraking but at the same time I loved it. It was as if the whole thing happened in one second. This is one of my favourite drabbles by you. :3

Oh wow, I liked this a lot. The stopping and starting of your sentences and the abruptness was just amazing, it really showed the emotions she was feeling and also made you feel like you were in the moment there with her :(

I agree with the other two though, a nice layout would really complete this story nicely :)

Awesome drabble, keep it up :D

So when I started reading this, I had low expectations 'cause of the default Mibba layout. I'm weird like that xD

Therefore, I was so surprised when I read it; the simplicity of the description and story and the flat terror twisted in with the words was poetic. I love how you described the mother as Scream in the beginning, renaming her brilliantly.

How you repeat words and space things puts so much emphasis on the words, pulling people into the story and just everything; I felt angry and scared and upset while I read it. Murmur is what a lot of girls feel like. Scream is what mothers are often described as.

You remind me of Isa (The Way) the way you write. Sure, they're not very super similar, but it's still reminiscent and there and I thought I was reading what she wrote in some points. So maybe it is super similar

Wonderful work, sweets :3

So I have to admit that I'm not loving the layout. I don't think it matches the story; you need a pretty layout to go with a pretty story/drabble. At least, that's how I feel xD Anyways, this was so...horrible, in a way. It hurt to read it. I can't stand reading about kids who get beaten :/ I like how this was very fast paced, almost. It makes your breath hitch and your heart rate skyrocket. It's amazing <3
Lovely job!