Moved To Fast - Comments

Comment swap!

I'm not going to tell you the regular "watch your grammar" etc. because everyone needs to slow down while they're writing and HEY! At least you're writing!

I read a few chapters, and ATL isn't something I've ever written about but I was getting a general understanding of them which is a good thing especially if you don't know anything about them. Keep up the good work, slow down and revise when you have a chance. You'd be surprised what you catch when you re-read a moth or two later :)

Hmm... so I just stumbled across this and wanted to leave a comment. I like what you have so far of this; it has a very sad plot line, though. What with the abandonment and then the loss the main character goes through.
If you ever come back to this, some advice would be to go back through and edit some of the transitioning as well as making sure all of the facts are clear. Because at first this just starts as an ATL story. But then all of a sudden Logan's plot line comes from nowhere when it could have been blended more seamlessly. And then at one point, I think you changed your mind with where you were going with the chapter, but then switched the conclusion to it halfway through (the one you have as Chapter 5, or the sixth update in technically). But yeah, just little things like that.
Other than that, though, I think you are a very promising writer. If you ever choose to continue with this, I will be here to read. :)

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Good story! :)

I haven't read many ATL fanfics but this one was good. It was a little fast (but I have this problem too). Some grammar mistakes but nothing bad enough to make me cringe. I like the characters and they seem nice. Good Job! :)

Hey! I really like your story so far. I think the plot is well thought out and it is easy to understand. Despite a few typos here and there, you write well and use pretty good grammar throughout. I like your use of first person narrative and I think it's easy to relate to Marisa's thoughts and feelings. My main suggestion would be to focus on character development -- you could spend some more time earlier on describing what the main characters look like and whatnot. Although, considering that this is an ATL fanfiction, most of your readers probably already know what the guys look like. I actually ended up googling their pictures so I had an idea in my head as I was reading. Also, some of the dialogue seems a bit unnatural, like the characters would not actually say some of the exact things in real life. Making the dialogue a bit more realistic and spending time on setting up scenes with detail will really make this story come to life. Other than that, I've enjoyed reading your story and am glad that I stumbled across it! :)

I really like your story. I know I would probably flip out on my friends if they left for that long, five years, without any contact whatsoever. You wrote out how she was feeling about the whole ordeal really well too. It gave me the sense that she wanted to forgive them when she would think about all the things they used to do but she wasn't ready to yet. I liked that you gave it some time before she forgave them because it would have been to easy to let them off the hook so soon. I just wish that you would have written more about the characters. I know that I remember a character better when I have a face to put to a name. I think it would help your readers a lot if you did that.also another thing that I was confused about the story was the party. All of the parts of your story that I have read had a flow to it and helped add to the story. The party however seemed more like a filler to me and that section was written out in a choppy manor. Other than that I had no real complaints about your story. It was well written and I love how everyone is so car free with each other. PS. I like the name you gave the girl at that party it happens to be my own. Its even spelled the exact same. I just thought that was a funny coincidence. Great Jo!

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OK so i really liekd the idea you started this with but I wasn't too sure you spent enough time developing it. It was nice to have a concise kind of snap shot of 'how things were' but it's interesting to see where you could go with it, so I would have loved to see a little more development and a little longer chapter right at the beginning. I just love the whoel concept you explore here of best friends being separated by something as complex as fame and Marisa's reaction when the boys arrive home is so perfect and feels so natural. When they finally talk and move past their difference is a really beautiful moment in this though (though I didn't really understand the point of having the whole failed party episode before hand, but it does provide a nice contrast with the seriousness of the reconciliation part :) I really enjoyed the next chapter where there's a lot of friendly banter going on- the dialogue flowed really well and didn't feel stilted or anything which was great and difficult to do! You manage to really get across the feeling and conviviality of old friends and that's what I appreciate the most about the story, the way you manage to talk about friendship in a very real and honest way! Can't wait for more of this!

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I really enjoy this story. The only problem is that it goes a little fast (don't worry I have that problem too.) I don't read too many ATL fanfics but this is pretty cool. There was also some small grammatical mistakes but nothing too major. I like the main character and all the other characters they seem nice and relatable.

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i'm not very interested in this type of fan fiction, but since i'm here, i'm glad to have read the preface. i personally think it was a bit rocky and wish for you to maybe establish the names (alex william gaskarth and marisa ashlee stevens) in a different way, probably. i think it was a bit overplayed that they called each other by their full names in one shot. i think slowly easing their identities in would be rather well played.

i really like the way you've placed the preface though. it's very simple and i really tend to like simple things like this.

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My attention was caught a little into the story, prefaces usually don't do it for me. Chapter 1 was pretty good, but I think you rushed her emotions from happy to sad to upset to sad pretty quickly, I would have preferred if you had perhaps maybe done a little explaining in between the emotions. You seem pretty intent on getting it through to us that she was never the same since they left but maybe you could give us different parts. I'll read more and comment as I progress.

*Comment Swap*

This was a nice story. I think this is the first ATL fan-fic I've gotten from Comment Swap so that's cool ^^ Any who, one thing I do suggest for your story is that you take your time and really think about it when you're writing descriptively. Also, I spotted quite a few grammar mistakes. For instance:

"But no I couldn't think about that he hurt me too much for me to be able to forgive him,"

It should be:

"But no, I couldn't think about that. He hurt me too much for me to be able to forgive him,"

You seem to have a good grasp of character and you write the main character well. The only thing I can really say is to stay away from cliche sentences and actions. All and all, nice story and keep writing! :3

{Comment Swap}
In all honesty I haven't read many ATL fanfics or many fanfics at all so I can only really give comment as if it was an original fiction. I felt you captured the bright personalities of the boys, they're amazing performers who have great personalities and I think you have that.

What I will say is that you need to watch your grammar and tense use as it's letting down an other wise quite good story. For example, from Chapter 2:

“He sat down and we just stayed there for what seemed like eternity but were really only a couple of minutes.”

Here this would sound much better as “it was”

“ My best friends, the ones that promised they will be there for me forever. Go away and don’t have any form of contact with me for five years.”

There’s a couple of things with this bit. First off the “will “ should be “would”; the conditional tense used as the past because she’s talking about a past promise that the boys made. Also, you don’t need that full stop there, unless you add in a “You” to the beginning or you can take it away and add a “and then” or a “but then”. You could also replace that comma after “best friends” with a semicolon as you’re expanding on information.

Anyway, you should definitely continue as you seem to have a lot of readers who are enjoying your stories. It wasn't my cup of tea but it's got a cute storyline. :)

So I can tell you honestly I'm not a big fan of fanfics, but I really think you write very well. I read a couple chapters and it was easy to understand and kept my attention. I really like the story, although I had a bit difficulty reading the small font. Keep updating, it's good!

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I've only read the preface but I love All Time Low. They're my favorite band ever. Although I'm not big on fanfics, I must say you're an excellent writer. I love your vivid imagery and your details are just fantastic. My only complaint is your layout, I wish it wasn't as bland as it is. But everything else is spot-on. I plan on subscribing and recommending<3

I hail from the land of comment swap. I'm commenting on chapter fifteen. =)

I liked the very first paragraph - specifically the talk of how death isn't organised, yet the graveyard was. It was very poetic. I liked the little bit of description that was there, too. It was just enough to set the scene and still leave room for the reader to imagine.

What I didn't like was in the flash back, this line specifically:

"OMG MUM! WHERE ARE YOU?" I screamed into the empty house.

Unless a person is texting or something along those lines, I don't like seeing chat-speak. If she's quite literally saying OMG, there should be periods or exclamation marks separating the letters: "O! M! G!" And if she's saying "Oh my God", then that's how it should be written.

I think you portrayed the girl's grief very well, so kudos to you for that! Your grammar and punctuation are fantastic, so that's always a plus. The only other thing I could mention is that maybe don't use the ellipses (the ... at the end of sentences) too much.

Overall, I think this was very well written. =) Great job.

Hello, so I really like your story and I enjoyed reading it :) You're a really good writer, though the chapters are kind of short but trust me when I say they are longer then most chapters I see on here

Keep writing and good luck

This was a really fun story to read! I like the playfulness with the water fight in chapter 1! Throwing someone in the pool totally seems like something Jack and Alex would do
In the second chapter, there is an extremely long paragraph that I think could be separated into different chapters.
In the sixth chapter, it seemed like there was a lot of dialogue and not a lot going on, so you might want to switch it up a bit with some action.
I thought it was really funny when they called each other tampon and jellyfish! They're so weird!
Great story

Comment swap brought me here :) i'm only at chapter six, but i'm really enjoying this so far. i've only ever read a couple other all time low fics, but i have to say that this is one of my favourites. i feel like i would act the same way marisa did at first. keep up the great work! :)

COMMENT SWAP! Oh hello! Just like the person below I only read up to chapter two. The only time I heard about All Time Low was when one of them did a song with Simple Plan. But besides that, your story is well written. My only advice would to be when you have a paragraph longer than five sentences, you should space it out. It was just the huge one in the beginning when Marisa walks off. Anyways keep it up!

-Comment Swap- Right off the bat, I saw that the title is "Moved To Fast." grammatically, it should be "Moved Too Fast," but I don't know if that was intentional or unintentional, so...
But also, I'm not going to lie, I'm not familiar with All Time Low, so I didnt read past the first chapter. It seems pretty well-written, though. You look like you got a lot of readers, too, so keep up the good work!

I got this from the comment swap and I'm soooooo happy that I did. I loved this story line. I like how you're keeping it differant from other fan fictions. You added in a couple of twists like Logan and him dying. The only thing I don't really like is that there are so man characters. All of Risa's friends are kind of hard to keep track of and then there is Sydney andd then Lisa. Lisa kind of threw me off because her name was so close to Risa. Anyway I love this. I subscirbed and I can't wait to see your next update