Not Divorced, Not Yet - Comments

This was really sad, and although I didn't think I was going to be, I was sucked in pretty quickly. It was good

I really enjoyed reading it =) It's so sad and I was lost in the story by the first paragraph. I don't men to sound stuck up or anything, but I don't really like the layout for it, but it's still a really good story!!! Update soon!!!

Wow. This is was so full of emotion and detailed. The layout isn't good. It's too distracting. D: But other then that, amazing job. <3

I really liked it. You added a lot of tender emotion. Raw. I don't like the layout, but that's just me.

I think your writing sty;e is excellent. And you have a lot of potential.

So much emotion was in this! I loved it, I honestly did.

Title: I really liked the title. When I read it, I started to imagine what would be within the story; if this would be the story of a couple who are just on the brink but simply won't go through with it. The title definitely made me want to read more.

Layout: I didn't like the layout. I thought, for a story like this, the layout could have been a bit more simpler. When I clicked on the story, I noticed the layout before the story and I thought it would be some kind of fantasy drabble or something a lot more darker (maybe a horror or thriller). The amount of colors (all so different from each other: red, green, black) seemed a little cartoony, which definitely isn't the mood of this story. The background made me immediately think “creatures of the night.” I initially thought it was a moon, but maybe it's the sky with lightening? I just didn't get how it connected to the story.

Content: The first thing I notice was the way you structured this. I felt that in some places, cutting off your sentences where you did was effective, but in other places it really messed up the flow and you lost the meaning those sentences by breaking them up the way you did. Also, your punctuation/lack of punctuation seems scattered rather than purposeful, in some places. That also contributed to things being a bit confusing. Like here, for example:

They say
That it’s never a kid’s fault
When parents divorce.
Obviously they
Never hid in an overlook
And heard their name being bandied back and forth.
Their problems,
Their issues,
Their faults,
Swirling together in a huge firestorm
That’s batted back and forth by their parents.
Neither wants it hanging over their heads

Though you started a new paragraph after the last line, you didn't punctuate the end. This would lead the reader to think that the next sentence (the first of the next paragraph) is a continuation of this sentences, but it's not. If the entire piece had no punctuation, then you'd be able to get away with that, because it would follow a certain pattern that the readers would be able to follow. Here, it just seems a bit nonsensical.

Obviously they
Never hid in an overlook
And heard their name being bandied back and forth.

Here, I thought I would have been better to have this in two lines rather than three. Because “obviously they” doesn't stand well on it's own; it's lacking and it just seems unfinished, like a sentence hanging in the air. Unlike earlier in the story, the line “the say,” when set apart that way, actually seems like an effect pause; a pause taken to add a bit of gravity to what's going to be said next. Something like:

Obviously they never hid in an overlook
And heard their name being bandied back and forth.

I think it would be important for you to choose a specific structure for this: either having it be perfectly grammatically correct, and doing your punctuation correctly, or throwing punctuation out the window all together and purposefully work without it. The way it's written now just seems sloppy. It would be the difference between something like this:

They say
It’s never a kid’s fault
When parents divorce
Obviously they never hid in an overlook
And heard their name being bandied back and forth.
Their problems
Their issues
Their faults
Swirling together in a huge firestorm
Batted back and forth by their parents
Neither wanting it hanging overtheir heads

and this:

They say
it’s never a kid’s fault
when parents divorce.
Obviously they never hid in an overlook
hearing their name being bandied back and forth.
Their problems.
Their issues.
Their faults.
Swirling together in a huge firestorm
that’s batted back and forth by their parents.
Neither wanting it hanging overtheir heads

Though it looks pretty much the same, I think it reads differently, as far as where readers would pause and what gets accentuated.

Generally, though, I liked the idea of this. I think that a lot of children of divorced or parents who fight a lot can relate to this. I certainly could. I just think it needs a bit more structure and maybe a beta to help you work out the kinks in that (you can PM me if you want and I'll try to help). I did find that this felt more like a poem than a story though – mostly because of the formatting of it.

This is...deep.

This... hit home. It was beautiful, well done.

I loved this! It was extremely well written. I actually felt like I was watching the scene unfold as I read it.


It’s the calm after this storm
And the calm before the next.
Because you aren’t divorced, not yet.
This is now my favorite ending I've ever read in a drabble.

I liked this. :)

I feel really bad for the kids though, hearing your parents fight really sucks. This was really cute though. :)