I guess I should start with the format -- bulking up the paragraphs and the dialogue into them makes it really cluttered and difficult to follow. Most stories you'll find are spaced out and placed in a size 11-12 font so it is easy for readers to follow -- remember, not all computer screens have the same dimensions.
Next, the story in itself is cluttered and the timeline of events and the way they are introduced seem very unrealistic. Imagine real-life, or your favourite movie -- normally they don't jump from one scene to the next to the next within a few quick sentences. Structurally, there are a lot of sentence fragments throughout the piece which throw off the natural 'flow' of writing. Many of the sentences sound very awkward and rushed, so you need to slow it down and go scene by scene in paragraphs, not sentences. You're compacting too much drama into too little of a space; it's overwhelming.
The 'evilness' of her parents and her family seems very over-the-top and loses its realism when its exaggerated. It is difficult to portray true evil in writing because it often does seem over-the-top. The trick is not overdoing it. Try backing off of how much they hate her and try and extract some of the dramatic action from it -- like her sister's tripping her, throwing her into a dungeon, etc. Over the top.
Your sentences don't flow well and aren't structured in a stable way. "I guess I should say,my mom doesn’t like me at all. I’m a disgrace she’ll say. I ran with the basket and out the mansion. Yes, mansion." is very dictating, not telling. You're trying to paint the scene not dictate what you are seeing. Try changing it something like: "My mother saw me as a disgrace to the family name because of _______" and then carry on for a bit describing her home life. Then switch to "I hurried out of the house across the expansive lawn" or another indicated other than "yes, I am rich". You want to show not tell. And the story is told, not shown.
The word "anyways" should never be used unless it is used in a satirical way, which is isn't here. It doesn't hold the story together well. Try just jumping into the trip. Try describing the setting -- we don't get a sense of where she is in the whole story. What kind of time era is it? What kind of lifestyle does the town lead?
And she can't have the whole town against her, that's a little over-the-top as well. And an old lady throwing water balloons at a young girl is just ridiculous, haha. It would have been more effective if it was a nasty look, a cold shoulder, a shove, etc. Something more subtle. Many things in this story should be more subtle to acheive the effects you are going for.
The story needs a lot of revision and probably the help of a more advanced writer to go through it with you to help pick apart all of the problems -- like the dramatics, the over-the-top actions and characters, and the rushing of the sentences and plot. There are a lot of betas and advanced writers who would love to help a younger writer out, don't be afraid to ask! :)
Next, the story in itself is cluttered and the timeline of events and the way they are introduced seem very unrealistic. Imagine real-life, or your favourite movie -- normally they don't jump from one scene to the next to the next within a few quick sentences. Structurally, there are a lot of sentence fragments throughout the piece which throw off the natural 'flow' of writing. Many of the sentences sound very awkward and rushed, so you need to slow it down and go scene by scene in paragraphs, not sentences. You're compacting too much drama into too little of a space; it's overwhelming.
The 'evilness' of her parents and her family seems very over-the-top and loses its realism when its exaggerated. It is difficult to portray true evil in writing because it often does seem over-the-top. The trick is not overdoing it. Try backing off of how much they hate her and try and extract some of the dramatic action from it -- like her sister's tripping her, throwing her into a dungeon, etc. Over the top.
Your sentences don't flow well and aren't structured in a stable way. "I guess I should say,my mom doesn’t like me at all. I’m a disgrace she’ll say. I ran with the basket and out the mansion. Yes, mansion." is very dictating, not telling. You're trying to paint the scene not dictate what you are seeing. Try changing it something like: "My mother saw me as a disgrace to the family name because of _______" and then carry on for a bit describing her home life. Then switch to "I hurried out of the house across the expansive lawn" or another indicated other than "yes, I am rich". You want to show not tell. And the story is told, not shown.
The word "anyways" should never be used unless it is used in a satirical way, which is isn't here. It doesn't hold the story together well. Try just jumping into the trip. Try describing the setting -- we don't get a sense of where she is in the whole story. What kind of time era is it? What kind of lifestyle does the town lead?
And she can't have the whole town against her, that's a little over-the-top as well. And an old lady throwing water balloons at a young girl is just ridiculous, haha. It would have been more effective if it was a nasty look, a cold shoulder, a shove, etc. Something more subtle. Many things in this story should be more subtle to acheive the effects you are going for.
The story needs a lot of revision and probably the help of a more advanced writer to go through it with you to help pick apart all of the problems -- like the dramatics, the over-the-top actions and characters, and the rushing of the sentences and plot. There are a lot of betas and advanced writers who would love to help a younger writer out, don't be afraid to ask! :)