Yaaaaaay first commenter ;) I decided to read this first.
The Good : Can i just say, woah. intense first chapter. I was literally leaning towards the screen! The way you've written it, draws the reader in. You have a good plot line, which is saying something cause i don't read supernatural fiction too often.
The could improve: You have a couple of fragment sentences but basically you just need to use commas for those. I would say a little more detail about the charecters but i think you're not adding them in on purpose? Lastly, I think most people do judge a story based on the layout so maybe one related to the story or one of the charecters?
The Good : Can i just say, woah. intense first chapter. I was literally leaning towards the screen! The way you've written it, draws the reader in. You have a good plot line, which is saying something cause i don't read supernatural fiction too often.
The could improve: You have a couple of fragment sentences but basically you just need to use commas for those. I would say a little more detail about the charecters but i think you're not adding them in on purpose? Lastly, I think most people do judge a story based on the layout so maybe one related to the story or one of the charecters?