This is the story review requested as a prize for Monster Mash 2011:
I really like the Narrator. At times, the language seems a little too flowery, but I think it works well for the Narrator. Narrator is that cold, emotionless, bitter kind of soul and the intellectual air works here. One bit that does bother me is the scientific term used for the butterfly’s ‘tongue’; “proboscis” would be fine if the Narrator had used higher biological terms throughout the passage, but ends up sounding a little too smart and forced. It would have been interesting if Narrator had been developed a little more and we found out they have an insect fetish and know loads of facts of all sorts of insects.
Something else I’d like to have seen is a more dialogue. I know a lot of people aren’t into writing dialogue, but it would have been nice to have a glimpse of what Red Hood said to Narrator. Dialogue can serve well as an explanation of events or description of mood no matter how short a conversation may be. I noticed you didn’t use any italics or boldings, which isn’t bad, but instead of putting full stops every time you want to make an emphasis you could italicize or bold words. Seeing as this story reads more like a journal and is almost strictly an internal narrative, the fragmented sentences don’t take much away from the plot.
Overall, there could have been more character and plot development; was there a specific event that happened between Narrator and Vanity that created that bitterness? Was the Narrator really all evil, or just severely misguided? Was Vanity supposed to be mean, or just self-centered and ditzy? Your style is good and very unique to you. I’d definitely keep practicing and developing your written voice.
There were very few grammatical errors, but I do suggest reading over stories at least once in full depth before posting. I usually write something, post it, and worry about proof reading later, so this part probably doesn’t mean much coming from me. Still, a good habit to get into.
Maybe, whenever you get a chance, a layout could be added to help set the mood. It isn’t a requirement or anything for good writing, just a little bonus. I’d like to see what you can do by creating a layout, seeing how creative your writing is.
I really like the Narrator. At times, the language seems a little too flowery, but I think it works well for the Narrator. Narrator is that cold, emotionless, bitter kind of soul and the intellectual air works here. One bit that does bother me is the scientific term used for the butterfly’s ‘tongue’; “proboscis” would be fine if the Narrator had used higher biological terms throughout the passage, but ends up sounding a little too smart and forced. It would have been interesting if Narrator had been developed a little more and we found out they have an insect fetish and know loads of facts of all sorts of insects.
Something else I’d like to have seen is a more dialogue. I know a lot of people aren’t into writing dialogue, but it would have been nice to have a glimpse of what Red Hood said to Narrator. Dialogue can serve well as an explanation of events or description of mood no matter how short a conversation may be. I noticed you didn’t use any italics or boldings, which isn’t bad, but instead of putting full stops every time you want to make an emphasis you could italicize or bold words. Seeing as this story reads more like a journal and is almost strictly an internal narrative, the fragmented sentences don’t take much away from the plot.
Overall, there could have been more character and plot development; was there a specific event that happened between Narrator and Vanity that created that bitterness? Was the Narrator really all evil, or just severely misguided? Was Vanity supposed to be mean, or just self-centered and ditzy? Your style is good and very unique to you. I’d definitely keep practicing and developing your written voice.
There were very few grammatical errors, but I do suggest reading over stories at least once in full depth before posting. I usually write something, post it, and worry about proof reading later, so this part probably doesn’t mean much coming from me. Still, a good habit to get into.
Maybe, whenever you get a chance, a layout could be added to help set the mood. It isn’t a requirement or anything for good writing, just a little bonus. I’d like to see what you can do by creating a layout, seeing how creative your writing is.
Great job! Definitley keep it up! :)