La Niña - Comments

I enjoyed this a lot. It's an interesting concept, and you've written it equally compellingly. There are a few minor mistakes here and there -- certain parts don't quite flow right, and there a few grammatical errors as well. Overall, I think both your writing style and this story are excellent.

Seeing as though I don't read much femme, it kind of surprised me that I liked this as much as I did. The fact that it was just so short, sweet, simple and to the point made it easy to enjoy and to read. The descriptive language you used throughout was amazing and really brought attention to details that I wouldn't really care about, such as what Nina looks like or how the fact that when she's eating the pineapple from the can, it embarrasses Doors, and it really brought the characters to life.

Aside from the descriptive language, I also like how their relationship progresses and deteriorates due to Doors bedwetting, and I like how that is linked to something that happened in her past with her mother and is only brought on when Nina does something to Doors.

All in all, this was just really good. The transitions were kind of choppy, but I think it added to the story rather than took away from it.

I like this a lot.

The fact that it was more straightforwardly (I don't quite think that's the right word, but it's the only one that I can think of that's even remotely close right now) written than others, but still has subtle flourishes that set it apart from others.

The details that you put into each character made each of them seem really real. The fact that you made her bedwetting a reaction to similar circumstances to those from her past also added an interesting depth to Doors' character.

Oh, and line about how she "fucks like a rabid chainsaw"? One of the most interesting I've heard in a while.

Hmm, this was pretty odd. It was a really unique idea though. i think the beginning could have used a bit of work as for the connections. i don't think it flowed exactly right with the rest of it. I get that you were trying to introduce the characters and all that, but it probably could have flowed a bit better.

Thing thing with her mom was interesting, as was her nickname. You'd think she'd dislike that name if her mom beat her because she didn't carry it out. I know i wouldn't like being called 'Doors' if my mother beat me because i didn't open any for the family. Her mom's definitely a bit psycho, and i'm curious about what happened to her and how Isadora got away from her.

It sucks that Nina didn't understand her issues, because she can't help what happens. If anything, it's Nina that brings it on, what with the handcuffs and everything.

This really was an interesting story here, and for me not being a huge femme reader, this was pretty great. I don't know if it's that you come across as a better slash writer or if it's just that you write Adam fan-fictions very well, but being as this is the first of your stories that I've read that wasn't slash or Adam, i think those stories have a bit more of a catch to them. Who knows? Maybe its just this story that doesn't have the humongous catch?

Either way, even without it that aspect, this was a really good piece and i quite liked it. :D

I am judging for the contest :D
Oh...wow. I loved this. It was so raw and the way you wrote it fit so well with the story idea.
Only thing: That girl's gonna open a lot of doors for this family, yes she is, she used to remark proudly to the neighbors. - I think that what the mother said should be in quotation marks.
This is a different story to what I've read before, somehow - I think the way you wrote it made it so much different to other stories.
I especially loved how you described everything.
Please check into the contest soon to see the winners!

I really love your descriptive language. The way you choose to word things really puts it together and normally I would have an issue with some of your word usage but it fits in a way. I feel like the narrator has an accent and the wording definitely helps to fit it. The comparison of hair color to brown yarn is probably one of my favorites throughout this piece.

I always tell her yes, be it a cigarette or an oreo half or a blanket on a cold night. Since Oreo is a brand name it should be capitalized.

..." Nina trails off uncertainly, fingers pulling out of me with a slick pop that made me wince, wiping the moisture on her thigh. semi colon after uncertainly. Nice imagery lol, I'm visibly cringing from the sound you've created.

Everytime she pushed me to the couch to rut against reminded me of everytime my mother threw me against the door in fits of rage that made me into a snot-nosed, terror-hearted, bladder-emptying mess. Every time is two words.

I really enjoy this...it's vivid and disgusting and raw and that's really what I enjoy to see in writing. Someone who is not afraid to let inhibitions go and take something and make it vulgar. I normally don't read slash stories but I really enjoyed this, even the parts that I found kind of gross. Fantastic piece.

Great job...this is more great material for the contest(:

This. This is what I'm looking for in a contest. Congratulations. :D I loved it.
I'd love it if I could read more stories like this.

Oh my god, this is the most askdhghftiaed thing I've read by you, Isa.
I, like, rushed to click the link after reading the beginning in RTS. Omg.
It's so fucked but bitter and kind of sickobsessive and it's gorgeous and I don't know what to think.
I could read more stories about Nina and her victims(?) forever.

I don't know what to think of this, to be honest, but I know that I enjoyed reading it. I'll say one thing, though; kinky! ;-)