Muted - Comments

I'm all goosebumpy, jeez. I miss you Andy! come back to mibba and write more pretty please with sugar on top *pinchy cheeks*

my heart stopped at the end
holy mother christttt

holy shit.

First of all, thanks again for your submission, and sorry for taking so long with my comment!

You entry is definitely exceptional. You can tell the difference from all the other writers immediately, because the way you narrate is just very you, your unique approach to narration. You write very understandably, it is not difficult to follow the story, and your words flow very well. I admire your ability to choose the best words for narrating a story or descriptions. You are able to implement small details in your story, to draw a complete picture not by going into too much detailed descriptions and thoughtful passages, but by using a sentence or two that tells us just what we need to know - not more, not less. You have a talent, that is sure. I like the way you used your picture, and I have to say that the whole idea was very original. You had everything a good short story should have - expectation, climax, surprising resolution, even open ending (i love those so that is a plus point for you for sure). This entry definitely stands out as far as the genre is considered.

Let's move on to quotes.

I don’t think silence, in its purest form, makes a sound. It’s the absence of sound, right? But too often we say things like, “it was completely silent” even though there’s the low whistle of the wind, or the hum of a fly’s wings as it tangles in the blinds quivering as the wind blows through them. -> Awesome way to start the story off. It lets the reader know from the very beginning that what he/she is gonna read will be a quality writing. I love such 'philosophical' bits in stories, and this one was - also thanks to your ability to choose words just wonderfully - a great one. And the metaphor with fly, I loved it, as much as I love metaphors as such.

For a moment it’s silent again, all I feel is his bottom lip brushing my chin and biting on me, making my spine crawl and the hair on my arms stand. -> The way you can construct sentences is kind of mindblowing. You don't say much, yet you are able to say a lot, and paint such a detailed picture in the reader's mind.

“Wait, wait,” Ben blinks his eyes wide and sits up on his elbows. I curse and let my hands fall away from his underwear. “Did you hear that?” -> And the way you brought terror into this story was so well-done. It seems you are skilled in this genre, because you were definitely able to make me hold my breath and my blood to rush at some moments. In this particular story, you mastered the elements of ghost/horror story very well. Your story had very up and down trend, bringing the reader from light, sexy situation to thrilled expectation and curiosity... to utter horror... then to laughs and relief... and then it like shoved him/her to the total black hole of mystery. I loved this crazy ride.

The TV’s glow is reflecting on him and I can see he’s completely flushed all over—I can even feel how aroused he is under me. -> And again, so little yet it tells so much. I could imagine everything so much more vividly thanks to this relatively short sentence. The tv glow reflecting on the boy, the blush, the other one sitting on him... it's like you are holding the paintbrush, giving subtle strokes, but the final picture is superb.

I zip up my own jeans and head down the stairs. -> I felt urge to quote also this short part, just wanted to point out how you being able to choose the right words does SO much for this fiction. This sentence made me picture the situation so well.

I turn and run into someone. I jump back on reflex and my body stiffens—until I see it’s Ben and he’s got his pants on—fucking hell. It’s taken me an entire weekend to get those off.
“I’m positive I heard something,” he says, running a hand through his hair; he looks pretty shaken up. “I think it’s coming from outside.” -> And this is how you bring the character in. His little comments about what is going on. Making characters alive not by describing them, but telling us about what they are like, but by letting them act, talk and think.

I actually here ‘it’ this time. This…it’s almost like a cat scratching on plywood. Very distant though—and I try to ignore it but Ben definitely hears it too. He pulls away and looks up at me. -> One of the moments where I caught myself holding my breath. You are really good at describing the spine-chiling situations and bringing horror, but mainly thrill into the story.

“But it’s not—it’s not stupid shit. It’s just weird. And half the time it doesn’t makes sense and—“ -> And here building up the thrill even more.... those weird messages just ordinary classmates wouldnt leave... messages that don't make sense.

Again, that scratching noise. Only…it’s followed by a whine. It sounds like a wild dog going into heat or something—but terrifying how human the dog sounds. -> And another moment where I went 'gasp'.

I’m about to shut the shed door when I see a shadow in the corner. It’s tall, and the silhouette is just barely visible in the dark that I nearly drop my bat, but something inside of me clings tightly and my adrenaline amps up.
As I look over my shoulder I see the shed door burst open and someone flying after me at a dead run. And even though I have a solid 32’ aluminum in my right hand and I was Junior League Hard-hitter, I don’t stop to take my chances against someone carrying the gardening axe. -> WONDERFUL part. I mean, the language of it is just... It's pleasure to read something so well constructed and woven together, amazing amazing skill at storytelling.

There’s a powerful thump that jars us both, but I manage to click the lock into place this time before the knob starts shaking violently. I think Ben screams when something starts banging on the door. -> This whole part was so absorbing and dramatic. I almost felt like I'm there with them, and scared if they are going to die, wondering what is going to happen next. You made it impossible to stop reading, actually.

“Oh God,” Ben’s nails dig into my shoulder and I look around wildly for the bat. “The fuck are you doing, Mason? Don’t leave me! Stop—Mason.” -> Also your use of dialogue in such dramatic situation is brilliant. There wasn't a word that would be redundant, it all fit the cadence of the situation, adding to it even, making blood rush even faster.

When Riley sees Ben he tilts his head in this odd way and I can practically hear the gears in his brain turning and working as he then looks me over. I don’t have a shirt on and neither does Ben. It’s not really a secret about either of us but I don’t think Riley would have put two and two together. He’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch, if you know what I mean. -> I loved this part. Again one of those that were SO WELL done. I dont even know what I'd add to that comment. Just fabulous writing skill!

I just turn and wink at Ben, reveling in the fact that he’s wanted me for a while and he’s blushing like crazy. It’s easy to tell because even his chest is flushed and I can tell he’s fighting to keep his eyes from continuously catching my gaze to see my reaction. -> I like that in this story there was so much more aspects than just one. It wasnt only a horror story, or a mystery story, it was also a smut in its own way, and a love story in a way, and a funny story at one part. It had its inner dynamics, it didnt get boring not even once. This little 'love story' between Mason and Ben was intriguing just as much as the main, scary, theme of the fiction.

He smells like fucking death and I have a feeling he’s one of the guys that’s not entirely cool with me being me and liking who I do.
He…she, whatever she is—gives me a dirty look as I try and pass.
“Go home.” -> I think this was my favorite part. It left a mark in my memory, and when I think of this fiction this scene is what comes to my mind first. For me it was total highlight of the whole story. This moment, and the way you presented it. First letting us think it's nothing much out of ordinary, and then so brilliantly twisting it all around. I had to go back to this moment and reread it, now with knowledge about what was actually going on, and damn, it's spine-chilling.

“I should still warn you though, Ben’s all new to this. He’s not like you—he’s basically in love with you.”
“Riley!” Ben snaps he mouths something at Riley and makes a don’t-make-me-come-hit-you-face. I find it all amusing and sort of…endearing.
“He’s a virgin, too,” Riley looks to me, trying to judge my reaction, expecting me to be shocked or something. -> This was a very sweet moment. I loved it :]

“Dude…there was no fourth.” I can see it in his eyes that Riley isn’t shitting me but I hesitate. -> This moment...... Total mindfuck in the best sense of the word.

And there…in that moment, everything is silent. I don’t feel my pulse or smell anything. There are bodies running in behind me but they don’t register as I stare down at my feet. I only see what is before me and everything else is muted. -> I loved how at the end you made connection between the end and the beginning of the story through the concept of 'mute' and also with the title of the fiction. And I definitely liked how you left it all so open, mysterious, so... scary. You let so many questions arise, and also threw that spice of 'you'll never get to know what happened' in it. I loved it.

All in all, this story was an awesome read. It was very original and different from anything I've read in this contest. You have great talent, and I hope you dont stop writing anytime soon. Good luck in your future writing career :D

I so wanted to know what happened!

Any chance you could continue it? Please? lol

I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HAVE NIGHTMARES, I'LL SUE YOU. (:
First I was smiling.. And then I was worried..
And then I was scared.. And then I was relieved..
And then I was annoyed.. And then I was scared..
And now I'm just wondering what the hell happened to Ben.

You had me on the edge of my seat the entire time whilst reading this. I loved it!
I adored Ben, and Mason intrigues me and here we meet the brother and his friends and then you go and have the creeper s/he...are you keeping the ending open or is there more? Either way, it's a brilliant story!

Well done too. Best wishes in the contest!

Jesus christ, Andy!
I am in tears.
I totally thought it was gonna end all nice and funny
AND THEN BEN.
You know what
That wasn't cool.
At all.
....
But it was still really, really good.

this was amazing!!! u shuld make this a story:) pleasee

Thank you, I'm home alone right now, and I WAS watching horror movies. Never again.

This was asolutely brilliant, and I loved how you integrated little details that kept us guessing, but also gave us hints as to what was going to happen. As a reader, we should have noticed that Rylie was surprised they were together, so he obviously wasn't the one who was spying on them, but we lost that detail in the chaos of the moment. Also, I enjoyed that you put that tidbit about Ben's mother in there. I honestly thought you were going to take the zombie-mom approach, but I was pleasantly surprised. In all honesty, you're writing was so well done that I completely forgot that this took place on Halloween until you mentioned the fact again.

You did a brilliant job and I hope it went well with your contest; you most definitely deserve first place for that perfect piece of art. I really hope that you continue your writing endeavors in the future, because it is apparent that you have quite a talent for it.

That cliffhanger was just brutal, though. I mean, that is simply torturous. I am well aware that Ben either has or will meet a distasteful ending, but I really want to know whether that lovely person was still in the bathroom. The way you ended it made me think that that person had dragged Ben out a window or something, but I couldn't be sure.

I guess I'll be up all night for two reasons because of this story. First because I won't want to blink for fear of a murderer climbing through my window, and secondly to figure out what happened to Ben!

As I said before, this was really well done and I wish you the best of luck with it.

This story is amazing, scared the crap out of me as well. Now I'm left to figuring out what happened to Ben. Simply amazing, you're an amazing writer!

It gave me chills. This story should win.

It gave me chills. This story should win.

Oh man oh man oh man.
I shouldn't have read this before bed.

Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man...

holy crap... well that freaking scared me. it was so intense and just...ah, amazing!!

the cliffhanger ending, though... :/ obviously it's incredible, but i want to know what happened... my imagination is gonna go crazy for a while thinking about it. :)

great story as usual, im sure you'll win the contest!! good luck!! :D

That was so great. I didn't even realize it was a thriller. When it came up to the parts where the "loser" who was watching Ben, I was so freaked out.

I just want to know what happens to Ben? What do you want to happen to Ben?

Oh gosh, that was brilliant. You did a really good job writing this. The way the story was set out was really good. Totally not what I expected, but that made it even more awesome.

That was really good. Like reeaally reaally good, consider continueing it ? =)

Oh my god this shit me up aha. It was amazing, but now being home alone will be the scariest thing ever aha.
:)

scared the shit out of me.
good job