She Dreams - Comments

This is incredibly sad. But I loved it! I like how the sound of the beeps, which I'm assuming is her brothers heart machine thing, mean a lot to her. And how she thinks about how he is a fighter. I don't really like the layout. It's would be great for like a good romance that was upbeat and everything. But this is a sad story, I think it needs dull and dark colors. But that's just me. It was really a great story. :)

Oh my, oh my oh my.
This was so good. It seemed as if the girl was sticking herself in this seperate reality, filling her mind with dreams to try and keep herself seperate from the real world, and the tragedy that was happening in it.
This had an amazing flow that really added on to the emphasis on dreaming.

WHY DOESN'T THIS HAVE ABOUT A MILLION AND ONE COMMENTS ON IT?! Gah. It should D: But anyways, it's so beautiful and sad and maybe a bit confusing. However, it makes it unique and mysterious - to me, at least So...the guy she likes is sick and she's sick too? And she died above all? D: This was so beautifully written and amazing. I really enjoyed reading it (:
Lovely job! <3

I like the layout, it isn't too simple, but not too showy, which is always the best kind :].

Oh, so she's like deathly sick and a teenager? This is kind of sad, I mean she's my age, and having to go through this. That's not good, and I hope she gets better! Wait, i might be confused. The guy she likes is sick too? Or that's her brother? Aww, she died?! that's not good, this is quite sad :/. But, it's very well written, good job.

Very capturing, inspiring and thought provoking. I loved the brother/sister relationship aspect. Most are dying lovers, so it makes a nice change:)

You write some really striking sentences. Some of my favourite lines:

'They shake the cellophane debris of her dinner, scattered around her in twisted poses of half eaten despair.'

'They gripped his pale hand, a hand that ached for the burn of the sun and the sweat of exertion. For the scrape of rough ground and the shape of worn leather.'

'And he is tumbling into oblivion as his sister tumbles out of dreamland…and into the dream she thought she wanted.'

^ That line really makes you think.

Firstly, I love the quote thingy in the summary. It's one of my favorite sayings. <3
The second paragraph of this story is so realistic, I loved it.
I agree with the comment above me, the line "And he is tumbling into oblivion as his sister tumbles out of dreamland..." was my favorite. it gave me the chills.
The part's where it was a few words per line flowed so well.
I actually really liked this story! I have a 'thing' for creepy and morbid stories, and I think this fits right in. xD
Well done. :D

I'm not sure where to start with this, actually.

I felt that the words that made up the story were perfect. The way you described everything just fit together, and it flowed. I'm not sure how you did that, but somehow, you just made this whole thing so great and beautiful and tragic and so, so terribly sad. I felt my heart ache, and I put myself into the shoes of the boy with the heart problems.

The way you used repetition was great, too. And how, in the very end, it all tied together.
The end, like everyone else stated, was the best part.

And he is tumbling into oblivion as his sister tumbles out of dreamland...
That was my favorite line. <3

Well done!

I see everyone has already mentioned the bright layout, so I'll stay away from that.
As for the story, this was really powerful. And I didn't know what you meant by the beats at first but then I got it, and it really hit me.
Lovely one-shot; I really enjoyed it.

One-Shot for One Shot:

I just have to say firstly that I agree with the above comments; the layout is a bit full-on. It might look more fitting if the pink background was red instead, and if the grey was black or white? There's no grey in the monitor picture so it doesn't quite compliment it.

Also, you need to make sure to double-space between paragraphs/single lines.

On to the story, it had a nice rythmn to it. I like that the first sentence seemed to be a continuation of a previous thought. It gives a sense of limited time and urgency which matches the subject matter. I will admit that at first I thought the girl was the one who was in the hospital bed but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

The repetition of phrases, and the elaboration on some phrases was good - I feel that I really got a good indicator of the girl's thoughts, not just through what it says about how she's feeling but about how it's said.

I feel that the ending wasn't as strong as it could have been though. Personally, I would end it with the word 'Silence.' It's abrupt but I think that would work because the story has been building up to that moment. Of course that's up to you.

Overall I think it was well done.

First Thoughts: The brightness of the background of the text hurts my eyes. ): Major turn-off to me. I had to pull a super-hero move and fly to the default layout, aha. Just saying. (:

I really like where this ended; all the buildup was lovely. The detail was really nice and the addition of the heart monitor's beats (I'm believing that's what it was) was a nice touch. I didn't notice any grammar/spelling errors and the flow was of this was pretty easy to catch.

Man, this story totally contradicted what I first thought. The layout led me to believe it'd be something awkwardly written or very messily thought out, but no, this was amazing. You captured me with the first line.<3

The only advice I have would be a little like plastic surgery for it, aha. Maybe a less bright color for the layout and some nice spacing on that chunky word mess to make it look neater?

This really is a lovely story.<3

Why aren't there thousands of comments on this?! seriously, this is great. The only thing I could say about it is that the layout was kind of hurting me after a while.

I mean, wow. I just.... I'm speachless, I'm sorry if this comment is sh!t, but honestly, you're amazing. This is amazing!

I thought this was adorable. I couldn't really understand it though. Do you mind explaining it for me? (: