Boygirl - Comments

Ok, let me just get this out there. I have never ever ever been bullied, so I can't say that I can relate to this, because I truly can't. But... it was... beautiful. Nevermind the grammatical errors - they emphasised in fact the whole story. I absolutely love writers who take liberties with their writing style and pull it off so perfectly.

Wow, dude, just wow!

I really liked it. It had a lot of meaning, and when i clicked on it, i hadn't been expecting such a deep and powerful story. It was very realistic, but i'm happy that it ended on a bit more of a positive note. It was really sad though, and i think the way you wrote it really helped capture the emotion. It was a really unique way of writing, but that definitely makes it more memorable, and as i mentioned, it helps capture the emotion of each of the characters. I also wanted to comment that i really liked you title, and it really fit. The layout was amazing as well, and though you didn't have a summary, the picture really does a great job in summarizing what it is going to be about, so that was very creative. great job! i was definitely very impressed! =)

The layout was nice except for the background. It seemed messy but that's just me.(:

I liked the beginning, the words flowed very well. But more towards the end it got really choppy which took away from the story. The concept of this is really well done, though. I think a lot of people who try writing this fail, because they don't know it well. But you seem like you know it and made it really realistic.

Nice job!

This actually brought tears to my eyes. You really captured the emotions of the situation and you did it tastefully. Amazing job.

After reading this, I find there were three challenges to doing so.
1.The layout, I'm not digging the tonal colors together. I would try something a bit more basic.
2.The structure, this peice was immensely cluttered.
3.Poor grammar, whether intended or not, was not appealing to me at all.
Although it highly lacked structure, I think it had a underlying pulse to it, like a heartbeat of its own. My perception of this was that you were attempting to keep it simplistic, but I think you let it go a little too far, kind of like diarrhea of the keyboard. Your message remained intact, but it could be more powerful with a bit of refining.

Loved it :)

Hmm, this was actually quite different, though I did find it interesting and heartbreaking. It's such a difficult subject for many people that actually have to go through it, so when it's written, it is just about heartbreaking. This had a strong meaning and it was something that I found to be quite nice to read.

Excellent job, love. <3

I did find quite alot mistakes. You missed a few commas. Between the so so so, and A funny funny joke.
Big, strong, hairy hand reaching out to cuff two.
Out where cruelty is a crime, a punishable crime, a bad thing.
And so on. I realized that this is your style of writing, keeping this short and the details also that way. I like it since it's simple to read but it will most likely confuse others.

...and boygirl trusts. Boygirl let him help them up.
Minimizing boygirl on each starting sentence is also a reocurring mistake I found throughout the chapter.
You might want to fix that. I also realize that's your way of writing that, but it's still a grammatical error.

I liked the idea. I also like the it gets better thing, I have also seen it around the journals as well as having seen a few videos on the subject. Bullying is a horrible thing and anyone that goes through it will be able to relate to this story. You portrayed the pain rather well. Nice job.

Found one! Finally... >.>

I don't really think that I can say much more than what's been said before me. The emotion in this was really heartbreakingly realistic and sad. It's all so...just raw and real. And the fact that it can and will happen is sad. >.> You did a beautiful job here, I think you are fantastic with topics like this.

This was heartbreakingly sad to read - and it's even worse because we know that's real. It happens in real life and there's almost nothing we can do to stop it. You captured the lost, hurt feelings of both of those kids, how ignorant and blind society is to pain and remorse. Like that principal? Yeah, I've seen plenty like him, that asshole.

You've done a great job - with the exception of your layout, which was hard to read, and a few grammatical errors - and I think if I could, I'd give this 5 stars.

Unfortunately, I was one of those 'monsters' back in my middle school years. I don't even remmeber why I did it, maybe because I thought they were stupid and too young to know what they wanted, or if I was just that heartless. Either way, I've grown up and I feel terrible for doing what I did :/

I love this. It's amazing and powerful. It really speaks to those who read it<3

This is really amazing. I can relate to this, having been bullied for the past eight years. However, I have to agree with featherless biped. about the grammar, spelling and such. It was a bit hard to read, plus, there was the black and white background and the seagreen and blue layout background. I really suggest getting a beta for this. It has great potential, but like featherless, it's in need of fine tuning. But overall, it was great <3

This was really amazing.
I loved how you worded it and how the story structure is.
This is an amazing piece, so much emotion and vivid details.
Dear, you are a wonderful writer <3

My oh my.<3
Imagine my excitment getting to read this lovely peice twice today. :)
Gigglys, I'm being serious, so don't take that earlier statement as being mean or sarcastic in any form. I really do enjoy your writing, ma'am. :)

Structure: Teacher wants his coffee, however (and teacher knows that the monsters have rich parents that pay for the espresso machine in the staff lounge).

I think this could be just a regular sentence? I'm not all that sure why it's seperated by the parenthises. There are a few more instances like this and I felt you should know that it also somewhat damages the smooth flow you've got going here.

FlowThe flow was very nice, missy. (: It was smooth and addicting to read. It was somewhat orderly and just hardhitting enough to be soft--because that does make sense, aha. (: <3 Also, check what I said about structure and word choice for this as well. I feel those few areas are lacking as well.

Word Choice:I felt a wish for some of these words to be a bit more elaborate. They were all super duper simple, it made me wish for something a little bit more challenging. Maybe that's just me, aha. But for the most part, this is very nice. ( : I like how simple you made it at the same time because this fact (the knowledge that you shouldn't bully others) seems like it should be simple common sense. Nice. (:

Characters Who ever's mind this is in, I think it's a narrator over view but I'm not all that sure since this does seem like a thought pattern, is very amazing. They all seem like strong, developed people and it's amazing how thick they are. They're not flat at all and I love that. :) Amazing Job.<3

Layout: Like I said in my earlier comment, I'm not all that fond of the layout. It's not the picture (even though it is a little startling and distrubing, though it contributes to the story's message) it's the color scheme you've selected. I personally don't like the colors. ):

Spelling or Wording Your wording is very nice. (:
It's powerful and brings your point across very nicely and passionately.<3
Though I would work on the capitalization and grammar still.
I did take notice that you fixed most, but you left a few unchecked. Just mentioning. (:

This really is a wonderful little story you've got here.
Even better the second time around heehee. <3 ;)
I love how even through all that heartbreak, you manage
to put this inspiring and hopeful little spin on it.
You're an amazing writer and you've got mad skillz yo. :) <3

I thought this was really good. It's capturing from the very first sentence, and though simple it makes you think. I think the way you've depersonalized the characters is really interesting and effective. The story overall was an original take on a widely relatable subject and I really liked it :)

well, this subject is close to heart.
I like that you decided to do a story like this, it was a nice difference to other stories!
I do think proper grammar will really help make this better than it already is :)
I like the way it's described and the emotions, it really works :D

I'm going to have to be like everyone else and comment on two things;
Proper Grammar is needed and Layout is awkard. ): </3

Now that that's out of the way I can tell you how much this just broke my heart. Your writing style is really grabbing and it just jerks my heart along to the very end. I like how you got straight to the point, saying exactly what needed to be said with just enough detail, and didn't draw it all out and lessen the respect for this point by making it overdramatic. This was really a nice piece, besides all the simple mistakes, and I'm in love with how meaningful it is. Like others said before me, the flow this bit has is almost mesmirzing, like a thought pattern, yes. C:

I think you did an amazing job with this. :)

There was a lot of emotion behind this.

However:

Where did the grammar go? Capitalization? Commas? Semi-colons?
Where did the spelling go?

I feel all this story really needs is a bit of fine tuning, unless you made the errors on purpose. It's really neat and enticing. I love how well you created characters and how everything was described. It was different.

It's really great, the banner and layout are cool and you're way better at one-shots than I am.

When I started reading, the grammar issue kind of irked me but by the end, I thought it actually made the story stronger, in a way and it made it seem more like the thoughts. But I really liked how you addressed the issue of bullying in such a personal way.

I'm going to be honest with you, completely. I didn't like the layout or the grammar.
But I did like the idea of this. I liked how deep and realistic it was. It's wonderful but the writing and all wasn't. It was hard to follow.