'Branches hit my face painfully, but I didn’t think about the pain, just about getting away. They were chasing us, and they wouldn’t give up until they had us.
Leo grabbed my arm, pulling me along through the dark woods as I struggled to keep up. “Keep running!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, gasping for air. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t feel my legs, and I was losing feeling in my arms quickly. The air was rigid and freezing, and all I had on were jeans and a T-shirt torn on the sleeve. Suddenly, everything was quiet. We stopped running, waiting for any motion at all. Nothing moved, breathed, or coughed. We were alone. I sighed in relief, sitting on the ground ready to vomit. Leo sat next to me, hanging his head between his knees. I patted his back friendly. “Its ok man. They’re gone” I whispered, rubbing my numb arms...'
See how I changed it so it wasn't continuous. This is the only problem with the story. It doesn't have the paragraphs or spaces needed and that makes it annoying to read. I've only read half of the first chapter and I had to stop because it was annoying me. Your story line sounds great and I'm really interested on what this story is about and what could happen; that's why I'm writing this comment because it's some constructive criticism that I think you need to make the story better :) So remember: - A speech starts most of the time on a new line. "I agree with this point SHYLA01" replied a random person in the background. - Try to never start a new sentence with 'but' or 'and' - It's OK to start a new line of a paragraph. When you start a new line it means that you're talking about the same subject but you're not writing about the same thing (did that make sense). Example: '...Suddenly, everything was quiet. We stopped running, waiting for any motion at all. Nothing moved, breathed, or coughed. We were alone. I sighed in relief, sitting on the ground ready to vomit. Leo sat next to me, hanging his head between his knees. I patted his back friendly..'
So yeah. I hoped this helped? :D It's a good story :)
Leo grabbed my arm, pulling me along through the dark woods as I struggled to keep up.
“Keep running!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, gasping for air. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t feel my legs, and I was losing feeling in my arms quickly. The air was rigid and freezing, and all I had on were jeans and a T-shirt torn on the sleeve.
Suddenly, everything was quiet. We stopped running, waiting for any motion at all. Nothing moved, breathed, or coughed. We were alone.
I sighed in relief, sitting on the ground ready to vomit. Leo sat next to me, hanging his head between his knees. I patted his back friendly.
“Its ok man. They’re gone” I whispered, rubbing my numb arms...'
See how I changed it so it wasn't continuous. This is the only problem with the story.
It doesn't have the paragraphs or spaces needed and that makes it annoying to read. I've only read half of the first chapter and I had to stop because it was annoying me.
Your story line sounds great and I'm really interested on what this story is about and what could happen; that's why I'm writing this comment because it's some constructive criticism that I think you need to make the story better :)
So remember:
- A speech starts most of the time on a new line.
"I agree with this point SHYLA01" replied a random person in the background.
- Try to never start a new sentence with 'but' or 'and'
- It's OK to start a new line of a paragraph.
When you start a new line it means that you're talking about the same subject but you're not writing about the same thing (did that make sense). Example:
'...Suddenly, everything was quiet. We stopped running, waiting for any motion at all. Nothing moved, breathed, or coughed. We were alone.
I sighed in relief, sitting on the ground ready to vomit. Leo sat next to me, hanging his head between his knees. I patted his back friendly..'
So yeah. I hoped this helped? :D It's a good story :)