I've never read any of your stuff before, but I must say, wow. The narrative is really well done. It's the right ammount of "show" and "tell". This may make no sense, but the way you tell the reader about little things she does, really shows the reader a bigger picture.
There are some places where the punctuation is a bit iffy, but it's not too bad. Probably typos. Just in places like Jane's head shot up like a rocket, wide-eyed she replied,"Oh, um, his new girlfriend doesn't like me. seeing as the first sentence should end after "rocket."
I really like the last line. It's good closure for if this is just a stand alone, and it's also a good cliffhanger for if this will be chaptered.
One more thing, and that's just a formatting rule on the site, is that to make a new paragraph, you hit enter twice. For the time skips, just hit it one more time. It's easy to read the way it is, just a rule. Towards the end, that got to be just one big block of text.
There are some places where the punctuation is a bit iffy, but it's not too bad. Probably typos. Just in places like Jane's head shot up like a rocket, wide-eyed she replied,"Oh, um, his new girlfriend doesn't like me. seeing as the first sentence should end after "rocket."
I really like the last line. It's good closure for if this is just a stand alone, and it's also a good cliffhanger for if this will be chaptered.
One more thing, and that's just a formatting rule on the site, is that to make a new paragraph, you hit enter twice. For the time skips, just hit it one more time. It's easy to read the way it is, just a rule. Towards the end, that got to be just one big block of text.