July 13th, 2011 at 07:43am
Your friend above me recommended this story for my Video Game Contest so I'd like to thank her very much for doing so. (: The information at the beginning could have been put in a character file, which could then be linked to the story. If you didn't know that, it's cool, since I've never used them myself. (: I adored the background paragraph though, especially the image of the tank in bailiff pants. xD Anyways, on with the story.
I like how you captured Nick's voice. It makes me laugh just how much he hates Marcus. xD And you called Francis! How dare you! :P I liked him in the first one.
My only issue with this story was that the flashback seemed kind of unnecessary; it didn't really add anything to the plot. Otherwise, I thought this was quite funny. (:
One thing that set me off from the start was the color you used for the writing. I thought it was a little too tough to read and it makes it a little harder to get into a story. I thought that it was distracting and takes away from the overall potential of the story. I did however liked the four pictures that you added to the four pictures and the names I thought that was a really nice touch to the layout.
Another thing is that I'm not very familiar with Left 4 Dead. I do know it's a video game and it involves Zombies but that's all I know about it. In saying so, it was a little harder to be into the story because I don't know much about it. That made me judging this story a little harder as well. I tend to enjoy stories more so when I have some knowledge about what I'm reading and I think that it made me a little sad. I wanted to be able to know so much and really get into it.
I thought that the character profile was both good and bad at the same time. I thought that by adding that it didn't give the character to have its full development in the story. I thought it was clever because it gave you some knowledge and for someone like me, I needed knowledge. But at the same time it didn't really strike me as something you put in a story. I thought that it wasn't needed because it took away from the overall potential of the story and I wish you had done that differently. It just didn't really add anything to the overall story.
I liked that there was a real sense of humor and I thought that was cool. It felt as though I was playing a video game and I really liked that a lot. I liked how you made things a little free and didn't restirct yourself. I like when authors decide to just leave it all out on the table, so that was a nice touch. I liked that you went free and I could tell that your imagination ran with it and that's a fun thing to do. I also sense that you knew exactly what you were talking about so that was also a good thing. An author needs to know their topic better than anyone else and you did a fine job of displaying that without a doubt. I thought that made the story more enjoyable.
This story was really a guy's story. I'm sure girls will like it too, but I think that it's more of a guys story because of the topic and how it was written. I thought that it was like really well directed for the boys, but I thought that it was cool for a girl to read it too. I thought that it's just easier to realate to if you're a guy.
something I did like as well, was how believable the story was. I believed his hate for Marcus and I liked how you made your characters interact with each other. I thought that you excelled on that aspect really nicely. I liked that it showed that you could write. I also liked how you changed up a little bit of the vocabulary that you used. It showed that you were a well balanced writer and I thought that was a nice touch.
I agree with the comment above about the flash back, and it's a shame to say I was just so lost in the story. I really wanted to be so much more into it then I was and I just couldn't be because I didn't know much about it. It wasn't that the writing was bad, because it wasn't. The writing of the story was actually really good and I really liked that. You have a cool style and a cool tone but I just couldn't be super into it.
I mean absolutely NO offence to you by writing you this comment. I am just doing my job.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest!