August 13th, 2011 at 04:07pm
I think this is wonderful and very powerfully done. I love how each paragraph is a different stage of her life, and they all contrast and link in with each other. I also think it's good how the second line in each describes her hair, that worked very well.
I actually thought the last paragraph was really good. I like the line but she stays there because it has a little yellow bathtub that reminds her of when she was a child. because I love how it shows how she's clinging on to her last memory of innocence.
All in all, I think that was an excellent drabble that was brilliantly exucuted.
I like the style you've written this in. It suits the story and I think it packs more of a punch than if you were to write it out with dialogue shown between the characters. I also like that you don't get bogged down with explanations - because it's not important how or why her mum dies (not to the focus of the story, I mean) but the effect it has on her is. I also like the use of colour to show how things have changed - how her hair is duller and how she relates specific colours to happier times. I also think you've given a good amount of insight into the character for such a short piece.
As for the last section, I do think it could be abrupt in parts - more crude. Like here: She hasn't owned a doll in years and she's now a prostitute
It's your choice of course, but I thought it might be a little more confronting that way.
Also here: Her body is a twig and her cheeks are two gaping wholes on her face and she isn't so pretty these days. 'Wholes' should be 'holes' and I think it should be 'gaping holes in her face' rather than 'on.'
Overall, this was a nicely written piece. I think it comes together well and I like the contrast between the different parts.