Life Starts Now - Comments

  • Desi Galaxy

    Desi Galaxy (105)

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    I really like this story. Granted, I found this through comment swap and I usually don't read hockey fanfics, but this, I really like. Grammar isn't bad and I like how you described everything. Keep up the great work! :)
    June 9th, 2012 at 11:17am
  • nihilist.cryptid

    nihilist.cryptid (200)

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    The first chapter I pretty good. I like how you went through her entire immediate family and then, explained her beliefs. I especially like the part about not having to worry about the backlash of her feelings. The introduction to the team is pretty funny. I hate when writers make the characters hate each other. I really like how Jessica embraces her height. The random familiar meet up is pretty awesome. 
    June 9th, 2012 at 06:12am
  • SaraHorlyk

    SaraHorlyk (100)

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    I'll agree with some of the other comments, after first chapter I would immediately stop reading it, because that's what you should put in characters page.. I'm sorry if that was harsh!

    But other than that, I love how you write and how you describe the story in a good way, props for that :)
    June 8th, 2012 at 10:09pm
  • birdbones

    birdbones (150)

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    I'm really sorry if this is going to come off harsh, but there are a few things I need to say about your opening chapter.
    You're characters seem far to Mary-Sue for me to actually form any opinion of them other than that they will annoy me.
    You introduce every family character, you spread the whole background out like orange peels on bread. It just doesn't work. A brilliant story give the background little by little, answering burning questions as a treat to your avid readers who are so kind and dedicated. If I get the whole story in one chapter I feel less interested, like I really don't want to read it anymore.

    I thought you should know, because you have a strong skill, but you haven't fully planned how this was all going to pan out, or you have over planned it.
    June 8th, 2012 at 08:02pm
  • factory girl

    factory girl (100)

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    So my knowledge on hockey is about...they hit a puck right?
    Anyway, i love the very first paragraph i think its a lovely way to open, i also love how you describe the game and the relationship of the players (like a family). and even though i have no knowedge of the characters ike the players its easy for me to read and i love the banter. good job :)
    June 8th, 2012 at 03:06pm
  • Your Soul Is My High

    Your Soul Is My High (100)

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    After reading your first chapter alone, I can tell you that that’s where I immediately stop reading. I don’t mean to be a bitch but because this is comment swap, I’m going to tell you exactly what I think.

    The continuous introductions of your characters family could have easily been broken down either in the description or throughout the entire novel. Giving a person the amount of content so early in the novel will cause them to submerge that information and forget it entirely. The first chapter should be crucial to get the reader’s attention and as a vivid reader of not just Mibbians but of published authors, I always read the first page and if it doesn’t gain my attention, I wouldn’t keep reading.

    Believe it or not, people pay more attention to stories than you think. When introducing the sibling and their ages, the math does not add up with their parents’ age and to when you said they had their first child. Paying attention to the detail of your writing is vital.

    Why do all the siblings have different last names?

    Some of the main crucial aspects of a story which is expected to be present is an introduction (which you have), a plot or sometimes called a storyline and some character development and at least a small amount of dialogue or thoughts from the character you’re portraying.

    I believe this story could be further developed.

    Your spelling and grammar is good but I'm not taken by your story.
    June 8th, 2012 at 03:00pm
  • sarcasmpucktail

    sarcasmpucktail (100)

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    You did an excellent job at describing the characters and the scenery. I love a story where I can feel like I fit right into the action and like I know all of the characters. This story was very easy to read and you created characters that are likeable. I love that I can root for Jessica and Jordan to be together. I also love that each person has an individual personality. Keep up the great work
    June 8th, 2012 at 02:55pm
  • Monochromatic Bliss;

    Monochromatic Bliss; (100)

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    I'm not particularly keen on Hockey, nor most sports for that matter. And, to be frank, I didn't think I'd enjoy reading this. Then, once I started reading the first chapter, it really surprised me how much I got into it. It is fantastically written! Great job!
    June 8th, 2012 at 01:54pm
  • gothique4

    gothique4 (100)

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    I must admit that being from Australia I don’t know a lot about hockey or the various teams and players but I have to say that I am really enjoying your story.

    You have a wonderfully descriptive way of writing that easily allows readers to get to know all of your characters and relate with them. Jessica is very easy to relate to, maybe more so for me as my mother is also a bit of a bitch who makes sly comments about my weight all the time. If I didn’t think that her mother would just waltz off with half of her father’s fortune without a backward glance, I’d want to see Jessica’s father kick her bitch ass to the curb.

    I love the chemistry between Jessica and Jordan, and I am looking forward to reading more
    June 8th, 2012 at 01:15pm
  • inactive;

    inactive; (105)

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    I am not a huge fan of sports. In fact, I know next to nothing about sports except a little about soccer because I have two younger brothers and I'm really close to my father who is a soccer fan.

    However, even though your layout is simple, I find it quite alright. I'm not too picky about story layouts. As long as it's readable then, it's alright. It's the content that matters to me.

    And, I do like your summary. It doesn't reveal too much about the story but at the same time, it gives the readers an idea about what the story is about.

    I like the way you wrote the first chapter, how you're introducing the characters. And I like Jessica's characteristics. She's witty with a good sense of humor. I read a lot of stories where the writers try writing a witty, funny, cute female characters that end up becoming very annoying. But, you pull this off well. Kudos to you.

    I really want to try reading all of this but, it's just not what I would normally read. I don't know any of the hockey players so it's kinda hard for me to get immerse in the story.

    Your writing is good even though I noticed a few spelling errors. Maybe a read through will fix that. ^_^

    Keep writing.
    June 8th, 2012 at 09:45am
  • carriesometimes

    carriesometimes (100)

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    Hey, I just wanted to say that first off, on a non-important note, I just wanted to say that I love your background! It’s really pretty and nice, but doesn’t take away from the story, or distract, or make it hard to read. When I first read the summary, it sounded good, and I was excited to read, but wondered who the boy was. I scrolled through the comments to find it was a hockey story. I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge sports person at all, and have never seen a hockey game either on tv or in real life. That being said, I decided to put that aside and read your story. I’m glad I did. You made it so you didn’t have to be a huge hockey fan to understand what was going on, or who anyone was, and everything flowed really nicely, making everything gather together. Just after reading the first chapter, I subscribed, and couldn’t wait to read the rest of it. You’re descriptive, which made everything easier, and painted a picture, and helped your story. Overall, I love your story and can’t wait to read the rest of it! Good job and can’t wait for the next part.
    June 8th, 2012 at 09:42am
  • Pches

    Pches (100)

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    I am guilty of being very detailed in my stories, but one thing to take in consideration, describe your character as you're talking about them, not before cause many times you'll forget all the info later
    June 8th, 2012 at 09:31am
  • pat semetary;

    pat semetary; (200)

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    I'm not really that into hockey, but I have a feeling that I really won't need to be to understand your story. I agree with kayluhjade in that your layout and summary aren't that interesting. However, the first chapter drew me in immediately! You don't over-describe (which I hate by the way; it loses my attention) and I'm interested to see where this is going!
    June 8th, 2012 at 09:13am
  • koobyloob

    koobyloob (100)

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    The first think I look for in the stories that I read on Mibba are their layouts. I know that this one is an already made-up one and that you may not yet know how to make your very own, it just doesn't bring me in.

    Secondly, I look for spelling and grammar.

    And thirdly I look for an interesting summary. If none of these things is present, I simply close the tab.

    Sadly, I'm not taken with your layout and nor am I bought in by your summary.

    However, upon reading the first chapter I found it interesting and your spelling and grammar were fantastic! I was keen to read on.
    June 8th, 2012 at 08:30am
  • koobyloob

    koobyloob (100)

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    The first think I look for in the stories that I read on Mibba are their layouts. I know that this one is an already made-up one and that you may not yet know how to make your very own, it just doesn't bring me in.

    Secondly, I look for spelling and grammar.

    And thirdly I look for an interesting summary. If none of these things is present, I simply close the tab.

    Sadly, I'm not taken with your layout and nor am I bought in by your summary.

    However, upon reading the first chapter I found it interesting and your spelling and grammar were fantastic! I was keen to read on.
    June 8th, 2012 at 08:30am
  • heybecca

    heybecca (100)

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    comment swap finally gave me a hockey story! and a jordan staal one (he's my favorite!)
    i read through your previous comments and i'm not going to give the show don't tell thing again.
    i will say that i noticed that, as the chapters progressed, i could tell your writing was more natural. everything flowed better as the story continued.
    jordan is such a sweetheart. i absolutely love how you portray him.
    and jessica is so clumsy! but it makes for a good story.

    overall, nice work! i love this story.
    June 8th, 2012 at 07:39am
  • cinderella.

    cinderella. (150)

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    Right off the bat, I can tell that you've got writing chops. You've got lots of potential, and that's really cool. However, from the first chapter, you're TELLING the reader, but you're not SHOWING anything. Show, don't tell. Don't tell me every single thing about every single character the second they show up, because that ruins the magic of discovering little details about each character.

    I like how you tied the beginning and the end of the first chapter together, but overall, it just felt like you were dumping information on the reader in between, and it didn't really flow. I personally found it really unpleasant. It's tedious to read, and we don't need to know everything about everyone during chapter one.

    One thing I like about your writing style is that you use a lot of sensory details, which is critical to a good writing piece. Using words like 'deep purple', 'lilac', 'dark wash' makes it more pleasant to the ear.

    Again, in the second chapter, you tell us that she's nervous. Does she not have any nervous habits? SHOW us those habits versus TELLING us how she feels.

    Another inconsistency in your writing is that you change tenses a lot. It's primarily written in present tense, but you slip into past tense a lot. Reread and work through that, decide which tense you want to use and STICK TO IT. It'll make it much easier to read.

    However, the characterization in the second chapter is an improvement from the first. The dialogue is enjoyable and is a real testament to your writing talent.

    Overall, I think this has a lot of potential to be a really, really great story, but you most definitely need to rework it and probably use this as a first draft. I would recommend writing it all out, and then going back and essentially going through a 'reconstruction' phase because there's a lot of flaws here that can be fatal to a writing piece.
    June 8th, 2012 at 07:32am
  • Before 1975;

    Before 1975; (150)

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    Well, first off, sports stories are not my cup of tea. With that said, I can give you a few pointers as far as the technical aspect of writing is concerned. For example, your entire first chapter is really unnecessary. All that information should be threaded into your story, and not presented in one big blurb. Also, consider using a little less dialogue and a little more descriptive language. Those little changes can add a lot of beauty and style to your writing, and can help the reader to connect with the characters. However, with that said, this piece seems to be on the right track. It is quite interesting, and it has the potential to be really, really great. Wink
    June 8th, 2012 at 07:30am
  • harlequin. girl.

    harlequin. girl. (150)

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    comment swap
    lots of unnecessary description in the beginning. its tedious and instead you should work in these details as the story progresses. the story is full of cliche phrases, including your title and the opening line "your life is what you make it." you might want to try and revise these with something more original. instead of merely introducing your story in the beginning with actual written descriptions that lead up to the events and just "telling" your reader, you should "show" the reader. just right into actual events and present the story to the reader and important details as your progress. best of luck
    June 8th, 2012 at 07:27am
  • luminos.

    luminos. (600)

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    Comment swap gave me this story again, so I'll comment again. In the fifteenth chapter it seemed like there was too much dialogue. In fact, most of the chapter was dialogue. I like what you did with the chapter, but I think there were other ways of doing it.
    It was still vert good though!
    June 8th, 2012 at 07:12am