The In-Betweeners - Comments

Brilliant(: I really like how thought provoking this is. You really do understand how real life is, and explain it perfectly. I really like this(:

Third Chapter

To me, it’s not the important moments that define a person, it’s the between moments. A nerd isn’t a nerd because he got a perfect score on the hardest test. That nerd is a nerd because he spent hours upon hours studying. That nerd is a nerd because he gets nervous and awkward around girls.

I loved this paragraph. It sounds stupid, but it made me realize how a nerd truly is a nerd. Your Description is perfect and you don't try too hard to use extensive vocabulary. You use subtle strong and unusual words here and there such as "void" and "ruthless". I may have said this before, but I'll say it again: I like how this is in a male's POV.

One last thing: your subtle cliff-y "Ypu have a nice smile, James." really wrapped up the chapter.

Fourth Chapter

A small filler on Shane and how she is.

I like how even your fillers have little dialogue in between and contain useful information. I sense James is a little interested in Shane just as I am. Of course, I hope something between those two lights a fire.

Shane's personality is very unique for a female and I love it:) best personality for a girl yet. A little mystery and a wall to shield her heart is what I am assuming. I can't wait find out those things she truly does care about.

Again: I love your little cliff-ies at the end :D

Fifth Chapter

When you first introduce his brother, Tom, you should put commas as I dd before and after "Tom".

Having your main character, James, a character that doesn't have some dramatic past is a plus to this story. A dramatic past would have been very cliche at this point in the story.

Another filler chapter on a new character. I'm glad we get introductions for them and little pieces of the past to get to know them better. :) Your story is a real great read.

Sixth Chapter

As I was reading the beginning of the first chapter, my exact thoughts were, "More fillers and information? Where's the action? Wait a second...I don't give many intros or fillers in my story...maybe I should start doing that." A big part of stories in general was missing from my own.

This is merely an experience that shows one great writer (you) can indirectly help another (me). Haha.

Later on, I read about James and his texts to Shane. So there is the action. I can't wait to see what he plans on doing with Shane when they hang out. I'm definitly continuing onto the next chapter. Yet another amazing line to leave off the chapter.

I love this story:D

First of all, let me just say that I adore James. The way you wrote his narration gives so much insight into his character, and he's just such a relatable person that it had me captivated immediately. How he's always asking questions is also an interesting quirk, too, and it gives the story a sense of mystery and that adolescent way of thinking that you've captured so well.
Shane already seems to be an interesting personality, too. Even though this story seems to just be starting out, she and James already have a chemistry that is unspoken but well understood.
You've got an awesome story here; it's very addictive and makes me think, and I'm super eager to see where you take this. :D

The summary is attention-gripping and that's always a good thing, especially when starting a story. The first sentence is one word, normal, and that's who the story is about, a normal person but not the kind of normal person our minds are used to thinking up. Not an average person, because average people are boring, and average people can be movie stars and travelers and a buff guy with a tan covered in tattoos, but that doesn't change that they're lacking interest and therefor are average. Normality is defined in a different way, societies idea of normality doesn't cut it, instead you get James' thoughts on true normality because he was normal AKA an 'In-Betweener". The In-Betweener.

Chapter One, The Wallflower:

I never understood high school popularity.

From the first paragraph, you can tell that the protagonist of the story is a very prospective person, which is something I can relate to considering how wrapped up I get in my own thoughts sometimes. I'd be lying if I said I never think about what other people, unlikely people, are thinking and how they are, the way they are.

Shane is an example of "what could've been", which is something I don't see often in novels; usually you're successful at something or you never really cared for whatever it is other people spend their lives trying to achieve. Shane's dad never made it, even though he had the promise of a good life edged into his direction, it just wasn't meant to be. I could probably go into how depressing her father's life must be at times, all the reminds and just thinking about how an injury completely changed the way his life might've turned out... but that's for a different day.

Another thing I can relate to, questioning God. Last year I was sitting in class, and I remember I was just dreading going to my next period but I knew nothing was going to stop that bell from ringing and me going to class (it was right next door, so I had no option to skip), and I remember thinking, "God, if you can just make it so where the teacher is absent, I would believe in you and pray every night and become more religious". Something happened. A teacher came and told me I had to go to the counselors office for my "at-risk" group all period, I was so happy that I couldn't contain myself. I forgot to thank God, and I forget every time I ask for things and they come true, because all the bad things tend to over-power the good.

Chapter Two, The Beginning:

People always tell you that your freshmen year you can be whoever you want to be. "Freshman year -this-" and "Freshmen year -that-". Then you actually go into school and realize that the transformation isn't really as easy or simple as it was always made out to seem. James remained lonely freshman year, but there was an opportunity of friendship, Shane.

Chapter Three, Those Moments In-Between:

The mention of Martin Luther King's attempts at suicide was something I had never heard before, but like it's said in the story, everyone has had their weak moments. Even historical figures.

The idea of in-between moments is fascinating, a bit confusing, but nonetheless fascinating.

I kind of feel bad that Shane is deprived of the junk food I can buy and eat so easily, even though I don't really take advantage of the opportunity. It reminds me of how some parents care for their children in different ways. Like parents that are dentists and make their kids floss and brush more than twice a day, or parents that are musical and force their kids to learn to play the violin and piano.

The moment when James realized Shane was his "best friend" was heart-warming, so was Shane's following compliment on his smile.

Chapter Four, The Girl:

Shane seems like a really emotionless girl, but not in a way where she just thinks she's above everyone and everything, but in an oblivious but innocent way. She's very confusing, but that's not necessarily a bad thing because it gives you something to look forward to in the story. I'm hoping that as it ex cells, we'll learn more about Shane and who she is, even if the story doesn't revolve around her.

When James asks Shane if she ever wonders what jocks think about, reminds of those moments when I question a lot of things and wonder about others, then I ask my friends what they think and I'm disappointed when I get an empty answer, like Shane's “no”. It kind of reminds you that everyone isn't observant and prospective, but also that maybe they just don't care or are too wrapped up in themselves and their lives to, really.

Shane is either a liar and hides her feelings, or she is truly disinterested in everything, but like the last paragraph said, “Shane was different”. I could be totally wrong about her. All I know is that it feels sort of like Shane and James need each other.

Paragraph Five, The Family:

It goes into the topic of family. Another thing I can relate to is how James feels kind of out of it. It's kind of sad, because you start to realize that James is not only lonely and invisible at school, but he's living with a bunch of strangers and he's lonely. Everyone has their bonds and connections, but James is just not a part of that. It feels like everyone has their place in the house, except James. His refuge seems to be his mind... and his bedroom, I guess.

'Maybe this should have bothered me more than it did, maybe I should have put more effort in to connecting with my brother and sister and my parents. But I didn't, and there's nothing I can do to change that now. The past's the past and it's always going to be the past.'

That last paragraph broke my heart.

...

I noticed a mistake that, a very tiny mistake [Paragraph Five]:

"I don't remember what the occasion once..."

Not a big deal at all, and I'm not the kind of person who looks and looks for mistakes, I just caught it.

Chapter Six, The Question and The Answer:

In chapter six, right after James sends Shane the message, the buildup as he waited was perfect. I especially loved how all these thoughts ran through his head right before he picked up the phone to check the message. The way he waited to text her so long was priceless, as well. The part is, considering how Shane is obviously one of the main characters of the story, crucial to the story and buildup.

It's yet another thing I can relate to. When I text people and it feels like a long time has passed, then I check and realize it's been less than a minute.

---

Overall I'm impressed with the story, I think it's well-written, and I know that it's going somewhere soon. Even though it feels like it's still the beginning of the story, I had a feeling that the information that were being given about James' life is needed in order to understand his complex character. It's nice to get all the angles in a story, to know all the info, because usually it's just an introduction and the story begins.

I'm enthralled to know where this is going, so I've subscribed, and I'm hoping you update soon.

First off, cute layout :)

Great writing. It's a very relate-able. narrator. And the mind set is the sort of thinking that everyone does, but no one wants to admit to. It's actually very intriguing and I really enjoy it. I love the character of Shane. you did a great job of developing her thus far. I feel as if she's the sort of character that everyone can see themselves as. I feel as though there is a bit of Shane in everyone. I really love this story and I hope you get lots of subscribers and comments out of this story. You truly deserve it.

:)

SO THIS IS REALLY THE SHIT. THE GOOD KIND.

Since I'm not on my phone, I can try and give you a decent comment than before.

I really do adore the layout and how the background contrast with the banner. Though my only complaint is that the background stands out too much for me and distracts me from the actual story. Maybe it's because my screen is too bright, I dunno :\ But nonetheless, I like the layout.

So I think I left off with the third chapter. I forget but I'll just comment on the second chapter too.

I, on the other hand, cared far too much. I cared about my grades. I cared about what the other kids thought of me. I cared about what my teachers thought of me. I cared about making my parents proud. I cared about anything you could possibly care about.

This sounds exactly like me. I'm not even kidding. It's kind of freaky because it has me thinking,"Holy Shit, I can totally relate to the character :D" Which may and may not be a good thing. Depends how you look at it.

I love how you described Shane in a beautiful, exotic way because you don't really see authors describing their characters like that.

When I heard Mr.Burns, I was like,"Is he going to be evil and a money hungry bastard?"

So far he's pretty nice. I'm curious why Shane is gone. She probably did skip class for the hell of it. Rebellious, aren't we? But I see that happening a lot. A story about high school students and some kid hustle outs of class, etc.

Okay, moving on to Chapter Three.

I love History too because I like reading about that kind of stuff. No, I didn't know that Martin tried to do that, kinda a shocker but it makes him seem more human instead of this almighty person who tried (and mostly succeeded) in ending segregation. It makes him more human becuase he has flaws too, you know?

OH MY GOD THE NAME IS JAMES.

FUCK, HE'S A GUY, RIGHT? I COMPLETELY FORGOT IF HE'S A GUY. SHIT. OR S JAMES A GIRL? I'M SO CONFUSED, I'LL JUST CALL HIM A GUY.

:D

So I have to leave this comment short because I have to go somewhere. :|

I think I'm still subscribed. I BET I AM. IF I'M NOT, SORRY, I CLEANED OUT ALL MY SUBSCRIPTIONS ONE DAY. D: I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

Update soon :]

Interesting concept. It might be more effective to say "what makes a nerd a 'nerd?'" instead of leaving the repeating noun without quotations. 
Also, might I point out that "emo" was never a "clique" nor was it a "style." It was always a genre of the 90s into 2000s, never a "style." The genre/styles were "punk" and "goth." The "emo" kids were styled as "scene."
The incredible lack of understanding in the narrator bothers me to no end. They so easily jump to conclusions about each clique in the most typical fashion, and if this is the point, your narrator is increasingly annoying.
When speaking of God, the "you"s should always be capitalised. 
The "she only knew" sentences probably would do better in one sentence instead of several.
The last paragraph could also be made into a more effective sentence rather than the short few that it is.

I really, really love this so far. The summary was very intriguing and different; putting definitions for words isn't exactly what I call "common." aha. I've read all the chapters of this, and I really, really like it. The plot is very unique and something different from what I've ever seen before. I also like how you didn't introduce all the characters in a jumbled paragraph at the beginning like I see in some stories; you stretched it out so in the first chapter, you learned about Shane and in the second, you finally figured out the narrator's name. That's something that I love because it's mysterious and makes me want to read more!! :D I saw few grammar and spelling mistakes, and I don't really like the banner :/ I think it would be better if you changed the banner. The background isn't my style, either.

Nice job! :D

The summary really drew me in and I love the layout. I love the uniqueness of this. I only read the first chapter but I can tell this is going to be wonderful. I really, really enjoy the way the character describes himself in the first chapter and how he discusses high school cliques. This is really great so far and I'll be coming back to read the rest here shortly. :)

From what I've read so far this is a very good story. It's a different type of high-school story.
The layout is very pretty and the summary is brilliant, it really makes you wonder if you're a normal person or not, and if you're not who is.

What made a jock decide to work out at the gym until his legs were rubber and he could not lift another weight for the life of him? What made the emo guy in the back of the classroom force his scrawny little legs into tight, black skinny jeans and wear black guy-liner? What made the nerds decide to spend all their time holed up in their rooms listening to classical music and studying extinct languages?

Wonderful questions.

I like the way this is written, how it's it's not very important what is happening now, but happened before.

I will continue to read this.

Ooops sorry! I think they would know what you were referring too. I'll have to come back later and finish cause I can see myself subscribing to this
(Comment swap Thread)

Sorry I didn't get to your swap last night. I fell asleep!
Anyway, I really love the layout/banner. It draws my eyes right into your story and makes me hopeful for a great story. I like how easiy the topic is to relate to. I've felt this could be read by anybody and they'd know

Your writing is so thoughtful and deep.
It really makes me think <3

The layout is beautiful. Nuff said.

Your writing is very elegant and intriguing. Putting the definition of "normal" was a nice in the summery. I would suggest not writing your summery so long, it is possible people would get intimidated by it like I was, but I continued on to the first chapter. I don't think too many people read summeries anyway.

I loved the detail in this story. It is very imaginitive and realistic. I felt like I was the main character. You have a very solid detailed way of writing which is great.

Also, I like how the main character is a boy rather than a female, which is sometimes rare on Mibba stories.

You have a great story going. There isn't much to critique, for you are an amazing writer anyway :D

This is, for lack of a better word, awesome. I only had time to read the first chapter, but I love the way this was written. Very different from your usual first-person stories. I like to say that I love stories that revolve around normalcies, because in reality, what is the standard for being normal. Can you even call someone normal because everyone has their own quirks?

All in all, I didn't really see any mistakes grammatically, I'm going to save this so I can finish it later. :)

So wow haha this story is really interesting and somehow enticing. This story is very detailed and thought out. And it flows too! Usually when I read stories like this they seem to not flow. I also like that that I can relate to the character.

Anyways, great story. You are a great writer.

Hey <3

First topic: the layout is amazing. I love the intrigue in the banner, and how everything goes. It almost reminds me of James and Shane. Like black and white: completely different but somehow going together perfectly. I love Shane: she's most definitely my favorite character. James makes me really curious. The In Betweeners is such a great title! I'm loving how you chose to write a story about how weird the popularity thing is. Ha-ha. I really like your writing, and all of your descriptions and explanations don't bore me one little bit, though I'd like to see a bit more...action, you know? Some more talking and getting into now, not then. The chapters' length is perfect-not short, but not too long either. I'm so sorry that you lost two subscribers...it's happened to me before and totally sucks. But, you have one back now. Me! I'm definitely subscribing. Can't wait for the next chapter!

MR. BURNS AND I HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME! :D And chapter two was simply wonderful and you described everything in such vivid detail. You're one of those authors who has a way with words and such a beautiful diction. You described Shane perfectly and I can imagine her so plainly in my mind and she seems to carry herself in such a dignified way. So lovely!

First off, I'd like to say I read all six chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them all, I'm definitely going to subscribe. The layout may not be my cup of tea, but right now the story is just so interesting that I don't even care about that.

Chapter Un:
I like the Stream of Consciousness idea, I think it made the story all the more interesting. I love the way that James is thinking throughout this, and in a way made my think alongside him. If that made any sense. The whole take on this story is different from any other I've read on this site and it's certainly appealing to me. & the way that you wrote this is sophisticated and really nice to read.

Chapter Deux:
Yes, I think it was here that I realized that the story is from a male perspective. I wasn't absolutely sure, having no such formal introduction to the main character in the first chapter. However, I think it worked out perfectly that you gave little tidbits of him name and such in later chapters. Through the whole Stream of Consciousness thing, you gave enough insight to the character to keep me interested. Plus, having a male perspective is refreshing.

Chapter Trois:
There was one little nit-pick that I saw here in this sentence: Shane and I were sitting at lunch, alone save for each other’s company as usual. I'm not sure if it's wrong at all, but the part where it says 'alone save for' didn't sound right. Maybe it's just me u_u'. Other than that, I loved the beginning and end of this chapter: The take on the history lesson was a bit humorous to me and interesting, and Shane saying “You have a nice smile, James.” was nice.

Chapter Quatre-Six:
Just to sum it up so this review isn't too long, I think whatever captivated me at the beginning of the story is still carrying through to the rest of the chapters. And the relationship between Shane and James is a very interesting one - and I keep saying interesting because this story is just so darn interesting that it's awesome.

I'm glad I got to comment swap with this story, because if not I'm afraid I may have never looked into it. I'll be looking forward as to where this will go :)

This is really unique and different. I like it!