January 13th, 2011 at 11:29am
Ok that first part was really interesting, about the soul breaker and how he's been living for ages. I've never heard of something like that, and I really thought you were going to go all supernatural crazy story lol. Just the way you described 'it' gave the story a creepy tone, but I felt like the whole vibe was kinda ruined with Zacky, but I'm eager to find out where you take that soul breaker storyline.
I felt like the song was sort of forced into the story too, especially since All Time Low isn't techno and you were talking about techno music lol. But I'm eager to see how you'll fit in the quote, since it really seems like you're heading in the right direction for that lol.
"I can remember who I’ve been nut never who it was." The 'nut' confuses me.... Typo?
It was cute to see Brian getting all grumpy and jealous and the way Zacky reacted was cool as well. Interested to see what happens next chapter and how the story all fits together. I think it's a really original story and I really have no clue what's going to happen with it, which always makes a good story. :)
The little flashback with James was described nicely. I felt like it really set an intimate scene where they really cared about each other, and I was upset when it was ruined by his wife. I can only imagine how devestated Syn was. It was weird, because you didn't describe too much how he felt about that, but I could still feel it....
The quote actually fitted in really well, I think. It seemed quite natural and not awkward or forced, and it fit in the story nicely, providing you with the opportunity to write about them getting together.
"... Zacky said as he took another swage of his beer." I don't think 'swage' is the right word to be using here.
"...I have only known you a shot time..." I think you meant to say 'short' instead of 'shot'.
Otherwise, I didn't pick up on any other errors, apart from a few grammatical things, so you must be a good proof reader! :)
Good job. :) This contest is getting harder and harder to judge....