March 12th, 2008 at 05:23am
The beginning of this didn't really do it for me.... The dialogue wasn't spaced well, and the similies ('His were cool and smooth, like a rose petal. Mine were cracked and rough as thorns.') seemed childish and slightly forced. I'd also be careful of the tense, which switches from past to present. However, the next section I liked, how you focused on the colors of everything.
I loved the description of Ryan...it conveyed how he was the only lifeline, keeping him from falling. I also liked the whole part where it was you, then we.
The next switch is slightly difficult to understand...the time passage, if any, is unclear. I did like the fact that they seemed to be just asking questions, nothing else. It made the scenes different, apart from everything else. When they were at the pond bank, did he have the guitar the whole time? It seemed to appear out of thin air.
It was totally unexpected when Ryan died. I loved it, and it really helped that he didn't just say it, that the news article was what showed it.
I loved that Brendon jumped because of the voice and that the Vegas lights went out...it was just perfect.
In general, this was a good fic, but not as good as some things I've read by you.
However, I did like the ending, but i didn't like the way Ryan died, not because it was unexpected, because i saw it coming, but because the whole scene was a big setup and impractical in the first place. The story is good and there is a lot to like, it is just little parts that i read and sort of wish you went a different way with them
also, brendon is written like a girl. i don't think you give the reader any reason to care about him, and then when he jumps, although the scene leading to his jump is strong, the ending is made weaker due to lack of development. you don't need a back story, but the way it is now only makes brendon seem like an irrational and needy person.