There are a few grammatical and spelling errors, such as sentence structure that isn't always complete. You also might want to make sure that you double-space paragraphs, not just dialogue.
The sex scene is very good, but I think the word 'penis' kind of breaks the flow of the sentence. I like how you made Ryan's mind wander during it, as if he doesn't really notice what's happening. It was very good how you described so much blood...it enhanced the scene, showing his pain and suffering. The present tense of it also helps, keeping it in the immediate moment.
During the scene in the In 'N' Out Burger (creative name, also), it was hard to decipher who Ryan was referring to with the pronouns and the continous 'him's, so you might want to make your antecedents clearer. But besides that, it had cute description with the milkshakes. (:
I liked how you described the show, and the phrase 'Even though my chest was vomiting blood'. It showed things so clearly, and I could see his shirt soaking through.
The simplicity of the statement 'We took the vest to the drycleaners the next day. They called the police.' is in sharp contrast with the rest of it, but only makes it more important.
I love how you made the conscience silp away, slowly. How you made the things seem to happen so fast and mindlessly...
I usually don't read FBR fics; in fact, I won't touch most with a ten-foot pole. But this is a really good story...I really like it.
There are a few grammatical and spelling errors, such as sentence structure that isn't always complete. You also might want to make sure that you double-space paragraphs, not just dialogue.
The sex scene is very good, but I think the word 'penis' kind of breaks the flow of the sentence. I like how you made Ryan's mind wander during it, as if he doesn't really notice what's happening. It was very good how you described so much blood...it enhanced the scene, showing his pain and suffering. The present tense of it also helps, keeping it in the immediate moment.
During the scene in the In 'N' Out Burger (creative name, also), it was hard to decipher who Ryan was referring to with the pronouns and the continous 'him's, so you might want to make your antecedents clearer. But besides that, it had cute description with the milkshakes. (:
I liked how you described the show, and the phrase 'Even though my chest was vomiting blood'. It showed things so clearly, and I could see his shirt soaking through.
The simplicity of the statement 'We took the vest to the drycleaners the next day. They called the police.' is in sharp contrast with the rest of it, but only makes it more important.
I love how you made the conscience silp away, slowly. How you made the things seem to happen so fast and mindlessly...
I usually don't read FBR fics; in fact, I won't touch most with a ten-foot pole. But this is a really good story...I really like it.