Finding Jezebelle - Comments

I'm making these comments as I read the story, so forgive me if I jump around everywhere.

I like the layout, but the only thing that bugs me is the border. It's thick, and a rather ugly colour. I'm sure it would look fine without it. The banner is nice though, but again, the brown is an ugly colour.

The summary is something I wish to see on more stories here on Mibba. Descriptive without giving away all the plot and necessary details. Good job on that!

The font is a bit small, it makes me feel claustrophobic. As well as the line spacing. Give a bit more room for the words to breath.

The whole concept of indoor schools confused me. I never been in an outdoor school, but then again, what's an outdoor school? I have no idea.

I feel bad for assuming that the main character was female. Seth has a very female-like aura to him and it honestly threw me off. Maybe if he did more boyish things? The whole thing about fragile balance is what really made me confused.

And I have to agree with silk tea. The meeting of the girl was very cliche. I immediately thought of the moment where Bella saw Edward for the first time. Other than that, this was a nice beginning to the story. The writing is great, and it captured my interest, but I'm not into these kinds of stories.

Story Review Game
Title.
I always like titles like this. Simple titles, that hint to a deeper meaning behind the story. I also very much like the name Jezebelle.

Layout
I'm really crazy about layouts and graphics, so while I dislike this layout, that doesn't mean it's necessarily bad. But I just don't really like the bright colors and the banner. Also, you might want to size down your font--normally when there's this huge font I feel like I'm reading a book for visually impaired people.

Summary
I think you have a nice summary, it's got enough to draw you in but not enough to completely tell the story. It makes me wonder in what way are Marcus and Jessica close--and what does Seth find out. There was one sentence though that I found irksome.

But as he tries to get closer to her and her twin both, he realizes that he may have bit off more thn he can chew. firstly, you have a misspelled 'than' in there. And the first half of that sentence sounds really awkward--I feel like if you switched some words around it would flow better. :)

Chapter One
I looked at the school and had to admit that I only thought indoor schools only existed in movies.--This sentence read a little awkwardly to me. I think you should rephrase it so it reads better, I get what you're trying to say but it just took me awhile to read it in a way that made sense, if that makes sense.

I think that's funny though that she attended an outdoor school...but then the way you describe it makes it seem like the literal classrooms are outside--and not in an indoor building. I'm pretty sure that they would have at least that considering it'd be kind of strange to have a bunch of desks and chalkboards just chilling outside--so you might want to clear that up.

Of course it helped that not everyone was excessively pretty, but I could tell that someone of them were trying and that I was going to catch hell when they realized where I was from. I think you mean 'some of them'.

Below that were all of my classes that I had to look forward to for the next semester. I wasn't sure if I was looking forward to all of them, but I definitely knew that I was going to look forward to Biology and Chemistry. The repetition of 'look forward to' really disrupts the flow of this entire paragraph. I would change that up and only use it for the first sentence say things like, "I wasn't sure if I was going to enjoy all of them, but Chemistry and Biology were the exception to that." You know?

Also, I'm unfamiliar with American 'town's. So I would clarify where Concord is, I know it said she was from California--but I literally have never heard of Concord before. And also, where has she moved to? That's what I've been wondering, since it seems like it's such a drastic change in weather and atmosphere.

Someone shoved past me upsetting my apparently fragile balance because me and my bag flew to the floor and the paper I had been studying so diligently went flying off...somewhere.--should by "my bag and I" you would say "because me flew to the floor." "because I flew to the floor" --if she didn't have that bag.

Maybe it meant that the ceiling stayed cleaner than the walls which was honestly something I wasn't even close to used to. comma between 'walls' and 'which'.

Jake Horton needs to not step on people he doesn't know. Seriously, dude learn some manners.

Mk, so from what I've read you've got a pretty decent beginning here. But I do have to agree with lovecraft above me, that the meeting with the girl we know he's going to be stalking and chasing around is uber cliche. It's one thing to see her across the room and be like daaang, and do a double take. But the whole stopping dead in his tracks kind of was like...oiy.

But otherwise, interesting story, but now I'm really wondering where this title is coming from. Her name is Jessica, not Jezebelle so what does Jezebelle have to do with it?

First impressions:
I like your layout, the colors are easy on the eye and the banner's nice, it drew me in. The summary could use proofreading (most of the story could..) there's a few obvious typos and grammar errors. That aside, (I won't be pointing out specific errors) the summary makes me interested about the rest of the story, though the last line doesn't really make sense to me, though I suppose it will with the rest of the story.

(Also, what's with the bandnames under the chapter titles?)
I definitely get an impression that the main character speaking in the beginning is a girl, just from the words used. It wasn't until you actually stated that your main character was male that I caught it.
This line: Stranger things had happened, like my dad getting dishonorably discharged.

That's another story though. was bothersome to me. Why mention it if you're not going to explain/use it as a tool to develop other characters? It seems like an underdeveloped little bit you're attempting to attach to his father, which might come into play later, but now, it's just something you threw in.
I find the majority of your story to be quite wordy (unnecessary filler). There are places where you could drop a phrase and still convey the same meaning.
I like the mentions and references to the military, and later, his physical abilities. It makes it clear that he's an army brat who doesn't get along well with his dad, being a mental instead of physical person.
The ceiling was a weird kind of beige color a few shades lighter than the hall walls which I thought was a little ironic actually. That... isn't ironic. Odd, perhaps, but not ironic. Just a word choice that bugged me.
I like the way you give the impression of a small town before you actually come straight out and say it's a small town, it's good showing.
His meeting with Jessica... is horribly cliched. "He stopped dead in his tracks" is a phrase straight out of every romance novel ever written, and also highly improbable. Have you ever seen someone so absolutely stunning it actually made you stop walking? I think it would be better if he were more subtle about the fact that she thinks she's beautiful. As well, if it's not changed, why isn't Jessica noticing that she's absolutely floored the new kid with her looks?
"burying his face in one of his blue pen tattooed hands." I like this, it's a nice detail.
I really liked the way you ended this chapter.
Overall, the chapter was a good introduction to the story, keeping it simple, but still making it clear who is who, what sort of person Jake is, (though I missed that a bit on Seth), and setting up the rest of the story for the conflict.

I love the voice you write in, and your characters jump out at me. Jake definitely makes me laugh, especially when Seth says 'no thanks for the foot in the gut,' Jake is just like 'Eh, won't be the last time I'll do it to ya.'

I also love the way you've written how Seth just stops and almost falls over when he sees Jessica. :)

I like your layout, it's very pretty and really easy to read off.

"It was kind of like I had stepped into the television or onto a movie set." - Really great description! It really shows how alienated he feels at the new school.

I found a few typos:
"His grin was hug", should be huge.
""She's goregous!", should be gorgeous.
"Jake had toseed my bag", should be tossed.

Anyway, a nice start to the story. I liked how you didn't shove every character in all at once, you're introducing them slowly, which is always handy. :)

Oh, the incest story, I'm excited :D.

From the pictures of the characters, Morgan is adorable! and Marcus is hot, ohh love me some Gabe Saporta <3. Wait, soemthing ahppened with his dad? haha he's not used to everything being inside, it'd be weird having everything outside for me. Well, at least someone helped him :). I like how he called her gorgeous instead of hot, it makes him seem like a gentlemen.

I ike this so much! and the layout is gorgeous to match it, wonderful job!

Great concept and I love how you intertwined your words together. Jake seems like an interesting character. Definitely enjoyable and easy to read. Good job!

Chapter one:
Interesting start. (:
I like this Jake character. I think he's going to be my favorite. x)
Can't wait to see how the story unfolds though. Jessica seems so mysterious.

Chapter two:
That social grace that Gabriel has? Yeah, my brother's got that too. So unfair.
I like Gabriel so far though. (:
Yeah, definitely like Gabriel and Jake. xD
Very entertaining chapter. :)

Chapter three:
His mom is from Iowa? I'm from Iowa :D How cool. x) I love his mom already. :P
The last sentence of this chapter seems very mysterious, like there was a deeper meaning. Like they have some deep, dark secret. xD

Altogether, though, I've enjoyed these three chapters. :) I'm definitely gonna subscribe and wait for updates. <3

Chapter One: Of course it helped that not everyone was excessively pretty, but I could tell that someone of them were trying and that I was going to catch hell when they realized where I was from. I think you meant some of them. His grin was hug and I wasn't sure if I should be scared or what so I just shrugged it off. " I think you meant huge. "That means I'm being nice enough to be your friend, no questions asked," just take it like that," I don't think that was meant to be there. Other than that, it was really nice.

I found absolutely no mistakes in chapter two even though I'm a total scrutinizer (sorry if it offends you).

Chapter three is wonderful. I'm getting a little foreshadowing feeling at the end :) I like it. You shouldn't make your chapters long if you feel that they shouldn't be that way. That will only make you slowly end up starting to despise your story -- I say this from experience. Anyway, I will be subscribing :)

Nice new chapter!!! =P
Finally... we meet the brother xD

The First Two Chapters Are Amazing (:
Keep Going your greaatt (:

Wow. Your first two chapters are amazing!!! They are so full of detail, its really easy for a reader (me) to visualize the story!!!
Amazing!!!
Write more asap!!