What Makes A Human - Comments

I am very, very impressed with this.
I love the fact that you actually know, and correctly use the slang for the era, and possition, like 'drugstore cowboy' and 'dead soldier' ect.
I can really delve into the characters, and I love the lack of 'gasp appeal' which is when an author tries to jam as many dramatic occurances, or epiphanies into a scene as possible, and it just becomes clîche, and distracting.
You am quite impressed by this, and am glad you pointed it out to me again.
This is the very first story I have subscribed to.

I have read the first chapter, and I think you have a good thing going here.
The beginning I thought was interesting, although I would make a couple of changes which are not major, although they would add to it I believe, as this story seems to be of a more serious nature.
I noticed that you have this great, almost formal flow going, and then you break it up by using less-than-formal or serious terms, which has it's place, I just feel that it disturbs the nature of the story a bit.
Also you seemed to ramble in a couple of areas (when talking about childhood things is one) so I think there are some unneccesary things that could be illiminated, thus cleaning the flow up a bit.
Other than that (and this may just be me being nitpicky and difficult) and that was when you spoke of children wondering why things were there, you said ''why they're there'' I think this would work better if it were ''why they are there'' as ''they're'' and ''there'' sound so similar, it makes one feel asthough they have read the same word twice.

That is all the constructive (hopefully anyway) critism I can give you, by reading one chapter.
Although, you did convey personality very well, I think, and I can see that you have a fairly nice vocabulary, or else you use words that aren't as common in stories written by teenagers, and for that I commend you.

wow, you have a great way of grabbing some ones attention, the first paragraph pulled me to read all three chapters amazing stuff, hope your gonna finish it

I love this! This beginning is interesting and keeps your attention. Though, at times it's hard to read. For example, it seems like in some places you're missing a comma that's greatly needed. There is one thing I'm not sure of but you said "Whilst" and I think, that it might sound and flow better if you use "While" instead. Just a suggestion. :) Other than that it's great! :) Fantastic Job, Sis! :)))