Without You - Comments

Okay, I'm just going to say this and keep it short and sweet because I'm at school and I've only got a little less than 10 minutes; Firstly, OMG thank you so much for doing a story about a girl who's got some color! I'm biracial and I love stories where I feel I get at least represented. So thank you for that, I'm now a faithful to your story. And also, beautifully written. I really enjoyed this and it felt so...Brian, this whole piece.

Gotta go, but I'll be reading the rest of it during my break and I'll comment better next time :D

I'll admit that the second half wasn't quite written as well as the first, nor conveyed as much emotion, but it was still enjoyable to read and made the contest even harder to judge....
The whole chapter had this mysterious feel to it, which was cool.
I'd just like to point out that I liked how you put in that she needed to go to the bathroom. I mean, so many stories leave out such a crucial part in human routine, and the fact that you included it made the story more realistic.

"...and passed a hand on the delicate fabric." I think 'over' instead of 'on' would have made that sentence flow a bit better.
I noted a few minor grammar errors, like missing a comma every so now and then, or putting in a full stop when there probably shouldn't be one, but no big deal.
Also, I feel like you said 'she' a lot, especially with starting sentences so it was "She did this. She did this too. She did this afterwards." Perhaps it could be replaced with her name every so now and then to not sound so repeditive, and also try to shake the sentences up, by adding in conjunctions or starting them off with other words.
I would have also liked to read another sentence about the book she read. I know it was just a filler, a way of her passing the time, but you could still have given a tad more information, especially if she really liked it and was totally engrossed in it. It could have given away a bit more information about the character's personality.

She thanked God she had done her nails yesterday, the where painted black like always." First, the comma should be replaced with a semicolon, and the 'the' should be 'they', and the 'where' a 'were', otherwise it doesn't make too much sense....
Shortly after that, you say the dress made her skin look more beautiful, which I think you could have elaborated on a bit more, fitting in a nice descriptive sentence to really show how beautiful Brian was making her feel because she wasn't in her normal black clothes outfit, if you understand what I mean? I feel like that extra sentence could have conveyed their love and care for each other well.
When you say 'Brian's POV', that means you have to switch into first person narration, which you didn't.... I think a simple 'At 8pm' or 'At the Restaurant' or something like that would have been a better way to show the switch of focus to Brian.

Also, I didn't quite understand what you were trying to say with the two tablecloths. The image of how they were layered together wasn't easy to pick up on, so maybe that should be reworded?
"The pool had flouting red and white candles flouting around making it surreal." First, I'm pretty sure 'flouting' should be 'floating', and second, you state twice that they are floating, when it should only be said once.
"He placed the ring on her left hand finger..." Perhaps change to 'on her left hand ring finger', because 'left hand finger' could really mean any finger on that hand lol.
And just another suggestion, put the links to the dress and ring in the story, so when it comes into the story we see it straight away. Gosh I feel like I've pointed out a ton of things, I feel so mean, but I'm just trying to help, and I really did like reading it.

As soon as I read about the thought of her rejecting him, I was like awwww he's going to propose! It was such a sweet speech he gave too, the part about Jimmy's drumming just topping off the emotional moment. Though cliche for a romance story, it was still written well.
The lyric was also put in nicely, again, which is great since that was one of the points of the contest. It really didn't seem forced whatsoever.
The ending was sweet, bringing back the moon as you talk about their relationship status again. I think that was a great way to finish it off. Probably the best ending, really, without making the reader feel like something was left out or as if the ending was awkward or not right, if you get what I mean?
Wow that was a long comment, but it was well deserved. Great job!

Wow. Loved it.

I know this might sound weird, but I really liked the way you described what she was doing when he called her. Most people would just give you the conversation, but you went that step further and showed the readers what else she was doing, which made it more realistic and I could picture it perfectly. It was like I was watching it on TV, it was such a clear image. I'm really glad you didn't just shut out what she was doing or just make it so she just sat there on the bed perfectly still the whole time, if you get what I mean? I just felt like that was really well described, and different, which was good.

The song was nicely woven into the story too. To me, it felt like that could easily be a conversation, and not someone writing in lyrics lol. So good job on that.
The picture and quote weren't too forcefully used either, which was good. I honestly think the lyrics were better used though, more natural, but that's just my opinion.
And also, nice layout too.

And you just had to bring Jimmy into it. *sniff* Totally knew he'd be the one who Brian had opened up to. I sort of had the feeling he'd make it all better and he did. Good ol' Jimmy...
After such a touching moment, Brian kicking the door down was such a shock, but then became so funny. I can clearly picture the shocked look on her face lol. Nice romantic moment there. And you just completed that moment perfectly with a little sweet speech and then a kiss.

"He would finish and role off of her." The 'role' should be a 'roll'. Minor error.
Also noticed a few words that needed a 's' on the end, or something minor like that too. No big deal though.
"The lonely moon shining upon the new found couple." Beautiful line. Perfect way to end the first half. I'm still kind of in shock from the amazingness of that line lol. It really is great.
Very nice piece of work. Good entry. Very excited to read the next part. :)