Show Me What You Got - Comments

Okay, finally I've read and I'm commenting on it! Happy? Lol
I really enjoyed reading this chapter too. Even though you seemed to skip the whole trip, you still seemed to not miss anything out in the few sentences of recapping what had happened, which was good. They seemed like a really cute couple too.
The picture was used perfectly; it wasn't awkwardly thrown into the story and it led nicely into the girlfriend discussion. I love how you took in every single aspect of the picture, right down to the radio station, the blur of his hands, the little yellow thing lol everything was incorporated, so extra points for your keen eye!

"Ever make out at a radio station?” I think you should change the 'make' to 'made', just to make it flow better.
But any other errors I am willing to dismiss, since you are typing on an iPod, and that is one of the most extremely painful tasks known to teenagers lol.

The ending is killing me. I can't believe you didn't give us an answer! Argh! These two lines "I grabbed his other hand and gave him a light smile. As for my answer, that’s a different story." just really leave this story open ended, which is great in terms of writing, and bad in terms for me lol I wanna know!!!
The whole second chapter was really good. Congrats on the fine piece of work! I hate how you've made this contest so much harder to judge now.... :(

I really like this, haha.
Make it a real story.

I really like this, haha.
Make it a real story.

I really love your writing! There's just something about the way you convey things....

The quote was used amazingly! I mean, could there really be any other situation that is perfect for him to say that? I think that's a better way for him to say it compared to how he actually said it in real life lol. Good job!
Oh those eyes.... I love how she's just attracted to them so much. You just describe the way she gets lost in them well, and also how you said his face was 'strong yet delicate' is probably the best description of his face lol. So true.

Your character is so strong. She has it set in her mind that she's not going to be a slut and she sticks with it. She's just so determined and has self resepect. She is really a good character that you could probably make a good story out of (by that, I mean a longer one than just 2 chapters for a contest lol).
But then, you have to go and sort of prove me wrong. She sleeps with him (and excuse me, little miss pro sex story writer! Where was the sex scene?!) but it didn't give off a slutty vibe, which was really interesting....

Kind of seemed a bit too soon and random, him deciding he wanted to get to know her and her accepting his offer and just willingly and sponaneously leaving her life behind, but hey, it's a fan fiction, so anything goes lol. I'm eager to see where that's going to go in the second part of the story. Don't know what you're going to do with it, except for the fact romance will be in it :)
Nice entry :)