December 21st, 2010 at 08:03pm
Ok, so I just finished reading you're first chapter, and it's not that bad. My over all impression is that the imagery and characters of your story do well to make the overall piece feel realistic. I liked the description of the house, but I also feel like more description could have been added about the characters themselves, and perhaps the area of the beach.
Another thing I noticed about your story were the long paragraphs. I think the story would probably flow better if you made the paragraphs shorter (either by deleting unnecessary content or just breaking them up).
In most of the piece, up until the very end, it was also not very clear as to which part was Logan's memory and which wasn't.
Also, the relationship between your characters could have been more clearly defined. I only mention this because when Skylar called Logan her love, I thought it was some kind of proclamation that he had no idea about, but was surprised to find that he didn't react. Perhaps if you just made it clear that they are in fact together in the beginning and not just close friends.
Your story was well written. With the imagery and other literary devices you incorporated into your piece, it was easy to imagine the scenes as they unfolded. Unfortunately, there were also some mistakes, though not many and mostly technical. If you'd like to fix them, I hope you can locate them:
“He missed there long…” there should be their
“three years of what is she doing know…” know should be now
“The ran up the stairs” the should be they
“Logan considered her like a younger sister” might sound better as ‘Logan thought of her like a younger sister’
“make sure food is left in this house” is should be was to fit with the past tense of the rest of the story
“Logan finally asked one night just before the sun rose” Do you mean to say set? Because it said it’s night time in the same sentence.
I hope you find this long review helpful. I think your story has a lot of potential. For the future chapters, don't forget to keep the dialogue realistic and your characters 3D. Otherwise, I believe you'll have a great story if you keep writing and improving it.
Best of Luck and Happy Holidays!
Sobriquets
When I first saw this picture, I never expected a story like this to come out of it. I thought it would be about some party where the girl was drunk or something meaningless like that. I was really excited for this from the start.
This piece was really well written and had some detail that created some pictures and just a basic outline of what the scenery was. You could have added more detail but this way it left room for the reader to make it their own.
I really liked this story. Good Job!