The Dream - Comments

For got to mention, Well, you don't really need it. But there's going to be a five day grace period in my contest used to make any changes you want in the story. I'll explain it more in my forum regarding the contest so just be on the look out for that.

Aw, the end was so beautiful. Although the last line was kind of cliche, the rest of the story was nice. I didn't even review it (that's a good sign) when I'm reading I don't want to feel like I'm analyzing it, but more like I'm reading it, if you know what I mean.

P.S-interesting little detail, the earing that the mermaid is wearing on the layout represents not just a moon but a Boline...which is a ritual knife in the Wiccan religion (in simple terms, witches) it is NOT used for killing people. But to cut herbs to burn and simple things, since they are usually not very sharp and mostly just for decoration to look like the moon. They along with the athame (which has a more deadly reputation for being previously used in animal sacrifices in dark magic mostly common a LONG time ago) are represenatives of power and the wiccan belief in magic and the power of nature which is what the wiccan relgion is about. Just thought I'd share a little insight.

Because witches are one of the only paranormal "creatures" that do exist just not in the way stories tell. Witches draw power from the earth, not to smite people or to do impossible things. But to help ourselves, animals, people, relations in a spiritual way.

Again I know this has practically nothing to do with the story, but I just wanted to share. :D

Plot: (8) This story was written at a very mature level with a high amount of creativity and power to the writing. The plot was thought out with enough detail to make it believable. I loved how I could clearly see throughout the entire story the ideal of love and passion that created a strength that you only see in good fantasy stories. This strength is what I believe makes stories like this believable no matter what goes on in the plot. I believe this could happen, because you take the story seriously without a doubt as to whether it may not exist. To the reader, it seems it does. I believe this is the most important factor to have in any fantasy story.

Description: (9) Again I loved how the writing was very mature and much less teen-y than normal stories that are written by younger authors. You used a more adult way of speaking and taking in the scenery and telling the story which was appropriate for this young queen. It gave off a definite strength that helped define the Mer Queen as a character.

Word Choice: (5) Again excellent, such as I explained before. All the words really showed the character of the different people, and exemplified the tone of the story. Whether it was Darla's snappy tones or the Queen's cool and collected demeanor.

Character Development: (8) The characters in this story were very realistic even in an otherworldly setting. I really enjoyed the classic evil villain which was the potion maker and the little anecdote showing the Queen’s past about the sharks that was an added delicious detail telling more about her character and showed how she became the fiery soul she is today. Darla was a sweet and unexpected treat of adversary that every story needs, the perfect negative Nancy. Cid’s brother was also pleasant in playing the sweet nice guy with more of a mule like purpose of just pulling the scene along and of course the Queen’s overall performance was wonderful with the strength and independence she showed in every action she performed.
Relevance: (5) I could clearly see the connection to all four of the quotes used and even the relation to the stories you pulled it from. The Little Mermaid was of course incorporated through the mermaid kingdom element, the pride and power from the Lion King and Hercules and finally with the plot that was so identical to Sleeping Beauty because it started out with a wonderful dream and ended with one of the lover’s having to sacrifice everything to save the other from a dream like trance.
Layout: (4) The layout was plain and easy to read and I loved the picture of the magnificent queen but I believed you could have done more with it to relate to the story instead of making it so plain, sorry.
Overall a wonderful read and I’m glad I had the chance to see it. :D

Hi, I'm another judge in ayanasioux's World of Fantasy contest. I'm looking at grammar.
Just some things:

* There are some tense changes - you change from past to present. Such as here: I sighed and push my white hair from my face
* There's some incorrect use of punctuation. For example, here: I shook my head, “There’s nothing.” The comma after 'I shook my head' should be a full-stop, because 'I shook my head' is a complete sentence that can stand alone without the dialogue.

Overall, this story was compelling to read. I whole concept of The Dream was interesting.

Your future looks bright with this one. I'm not going to lie, you're story is one of the more promising one.

Layout

• The picture is just, it’s great. Although I don’t know what the story is about, it’s still a good picture. And I just noticed how large her breasts are. O.o, they look like mine. Just kidding not really
• The title on the top looks so weak, I don’t know what to do. But the picture and the title on the picture makes up for it.

• I never did like left aligned stories, but I wouldn’t let my prejudice get in the way of this critique I’m about to give. Because the picture is so large and looks center, I think it would work better if the story was centered also. It’s more appealing to the eye.
  
  Summery

• I know about the Darker Than Disney contest with the quotes and stuff, so, it doesn’t matter to me too much. It does throw me off a little but I’ll excuse it because I’m not a big fan of summaries anyway.

Chapter One

• Plot – the plot is blatantly obvious and not shady at all, and I like that. I love stories about dreams, I actually have one that I’m writing now called [url= http://stories.mibba.com/read/348229/Dream-Life/]Dream Life[/url]. Although it’s nothing like yours, I do like the dream thing going on.
• Imagery – The imagery you create is at a perfect. It’s not too much, not too little. I have the whole thing in my head, her surroundings, just enough to get me to understand where she is and what’s around her. But, I do have a peeve for characters with blue eyes and blond hair. Why? Because so many stories have guys with it. Maybe you could make him have brown eyes, or brown hair, dirty blond hair, red hair. Anything.
• Interest – It does have my interest. I don’t know why this girl is stuck in dream land but I’m willing to find out. Also I want to find out how she’s going to get the hell out of that fantasy dream land.
• Clarity – The plot is clear but I think you started too many paragraphs throughout the story. Right here…

  Quote

  I could tell something was wrong, that something was distracting him even in this sacred place.
  
  He wasn’t even looking for me, not like he usually does.
  
  He’d normally run down the beach, his gorgeous eyes bright and alert, moving along the water line searching for me.
  
  But not tonight, tonight it seemed like finding me was the last thing he wanted to do.

  Can all be one paragraph. Same goes for here…
  [quote= I quietly waited for him to look up and see me, sitting on a decently sized rock, as water slowly moved around my perch.
  
  It seemed like forever before he finally looked up. When our eyes clashed a small amount of relief passed through my body as he sent me a small smile.
  
  But that smile couldn’t erase the evil churning in my stomach.
• Creativity – You used your words well, not too many words I wanted to change. Good way of describing your settings and people.
• Grammar – Your grammar is perfectly fine. The only issue I had was the paragraphs and having too many started. Other than that, it’s good.

This is magnificent. I just loved it. It reminds me of The Little Mermaid (even though I know one of the quotes you chose from the contest is from that) yet it's different. I just loved it.

Oooh, I'm sorry it took so long to get to this.
anyways, i love it :)
you have such imagination, im so jealous
<333

This is simply marvelous, dear. :) I really love it. The concept was fascinating and original. It was reminscent of a fairy tale (and as some one else pointed out The Little Mermaid) but I feel it went deeper and beyond; it's truly its own story. Your writing in this was beautiful, and the plot and characters had me captivated. I was practically biting my nails at the last chapter. No joke.
Splendid work! As for my proofreading work, I shall PM you the details, so this comment doesn't get too huge.

This is very good. It kind of reminds me of The Little Mermaid, but in a good way. It's very romantic and has a great ending! Thank you so much for entering my contest! :)

I agree with Howl. Let us know if u win or not. i am keeping my fingers crossed for u!

Beautiful ending! I really do hope you win this contest. I'm happy this wasn't a one shot. :D

wow! more more more! lol u r such a great writer

I'm looking forward to finding out more about this The Dream. How does it work? Does it affect the human as much as it does her?

I agree with Howl. It is very wonderful and romantic. You are shoo-in to win the contest!

O__O This...This is wonderful. Why's it only a oneshot?! Is it only a oneshot? I want more!

Mysterious and romantically set, the story is gripping and leaves one breathless for more. I hope you win the contest!