Can't Afford to Eat - Comments

^ Thanks! :)

Whoa, I really like this. Something different than I ever read. This was good.

AHLICE I do understand a little more now that you clarified what you meant. I am sorry that I was rude in my response to your first comment.

I noticed that you mentioned there was not really a relationship between Penelope and others, well thats because she doesn't have any. There is a reason why. Which I was planning on revealing in the sequel. Along with the rest of her relationships.

One thing I want to point out that has a little to do with my last paragraph is that there is a small hint in the chapter where Penelope is in the hospital of her relationships. Its in the chapter right before the one where she opens her eyes.

Thanks for responding to me and I understand what your saying. I will go through the chapters sometime this summer and see what I can do to change them according to your feedback. :)

Okay, I did not mean to offend, and obviously I have. So let me try to put my words together easier. I read what you wrote about Can't Afford to Eat. And I understand if was based on your experiences with your eating disorder. What I'm trying to say is that I wish there was more background. This is based on you, correct? If so, Seth is a real person to you, and Pen and Seth had a real background. I was being a so-called "silent reader" because normally I do not comment unless I wish to give feedback. Everything was alright so far. It seemed to be going to a great direction. I commented now because I was surprised at the ending.

Your writing style is simple. I like simple writing styles. But it became a little too simple, as I was trying to say/write. Meaning, I was given no background except for the fact that I was thrown into a story where Pen has an eating disorder and she's in love/like with Seth. I didn't find any background on this. Why does she have this eating disorder? I didn't find any hints/traces as to why/how this began, just the fact that she had one. And I didn't really feel much of her emotions towards Seth aside from the fact that she liked him. I was given no background on their relationship, no chemistry between them. And, along with that, I didn't feel her relationship with anybody. No relationship between Pen and her family, between Pen and her friends (if she had any; and if she didn't, any hints as to why not?), and between Pen an anybody.

I'm sure Pen has concerned parents, if they cared, at least. I just wished there was a little more of an explanation with her struggle—not only with her eating disorder—but how other people are taking this. The simplicity of your writing style was fairly genius. Yes, it's used often, but the way you wrote it was pure. But the more simple it got, the farther away from the characters I felt. I guess I'm just the kind of person that wants to feel like I know, or want to know about the characters as I go on. I like a story that makes me think. As in, "what did he mean by that?" and "does the author mean this when they wrote that? Or did they mean this?"

I hope you're understanding what I'm trying to say.

AHLICE "...but don't think I'm trying to put you down or bash you/your work." I'm sorry but when a writer reads from a reader that her story was not "executed well" and you "...hardly felt any true feeling..." it makes them feel really great. (not.) If you would go here and read what I say about Can't Afford To Eat you might see how I feel. I did not rush it. I did not finish it just for the "sake of my subscribers". And I especially did not give up on th story. I respect your opinion and what you think about the story but I do not agree with it and I know it is wrong.

I doubt I would be creating a sequel if I had "given up on the story". Also, I loved writing Can't Afford To Eat because I was not just telling Penelope's story, I was telling mine too. Which you will also read in my journal. ( the link above.) I will miss writing about Penelope's struggles but I have a lot more to come in the sequel.

I am extremely sorry for the disappointment I have caused you to feel. Maybe if you had commented on the story while I was in the process of writing it, instead you were silent, and suggested these things to me, I could have worked on them and you wouldn't be so freakin disappointed.

Thanks for your awesome feedback.

Hello blonde. (:

Honestly, I'm a little disappointed. When I first subscribed to this story, I expected a girl with an amazing, heart-warming struggle with herself, and also this boy that she seems to adore so, so much. Your writing style is very pleasant and sweet, but at times I feel the chapters were posted just to show your readers that there's an update and nothing else. I felt the effort you put into "Can't Afford to Eat" in the first few chapters, but as time passed I felt the quality melting some; meaning, I felt you've either given up on the story, but continued it just for the sake of your subscribers, or just wanted to rush into an ending just to wrap it up.

What I'm trying to say is that I feel you've rushed this story into an abrupt and extremely unsatisfying end. Her short-lived thoughts and experiences began to feel a little not very authentic, and the ending seemed to come so fast and without warning. I hardly felt any true feeling; it seemed that one minute Seth had nothing to do with her, and the next he was seemed interested in her and she was ready to recover.

I must say that I'm a little sad and disappointed at how this ended, but don't think I'm trying to put you down or bash you/your work. You still have a lovely writing style, and your idea was a good one. I just don't feel it was executed well.

~Ahlice

hayden123emo Oh goodness, I love you.

I read the first chapters all the way to the end. :)

elizabeth;Thank-you darling. :)

I really like the structure of this story; it is something I don't often see anywhere - in books and on mibba. Sometimes the punctuation in the story was a little weird and sort of disrupted the flow, but most of the time, the short sentences really added to the story. Something I really like about this story is the lack of descriptions. I don't really find the small amount of description in stories and I really like it. It adds to the simplicity of this story. Just by reading the first ten chapters, I can tell that this is a wonderful story. Keep up the good work.

Project FictionThank-you so much for the review. I am definately going to take all your tips and compliments in consideration and I very much appriciate them! I was very suprised to recieve your comment. Thanks again and I will definately work on these things that you have mentioned me and I fully agree. Just a few things I would like to say is you are very right with the punctuation issue. I realized this earlier today while posting my new chapters. :) Also, I love to hear that I have "well-used literary devices" in my story becuase know I know all these years of AP English classes have paid off. Thanks so much, again! :) I really really appriciate that you took your time to choose my story and read it, plus writing a lengthy review! Thanks!

Hi April.
My name is Liz and I’m part of ProjectFiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your story The Death Seer is one of them. Hopefully, the feedback I can give you will be of use to you.

I really liked your story. A lot. The use of structure made it more poetical than straight story which is a really intelligent decision to make, I think, when tackling a subject like eating disorders for two main reasons; it's can be quite an over-done subject and also a very tentative subject. Dealing with it using different structure allows you to be more blunt as the reader is distracted by the poetic form as well as making the narrator seem detached.

One of my favourite parts of the review was when the narrator switched; it was ambiguous for a while and done unobtrusively. A lot of authors write "POV change" or something, which can ruin the flow of the story - especially with a story such as yours, where structure and flow is particularly appropriate - and to have done this so subtly was really good. I also like the way you used enjambment to say two things at once and make the reader doubt what the narrator was saying and therefore, in some ways, make us consider her fractured mind. You can certainly tick of well-used literary devices in this story.

The thing that could be worked on is punctuation; I think you over-use it, especially at the end of lines. In the type of story you've written a full stop is not always necessary and can increase the ambiguity of a sentence. Also, a variety of punctuation would be nice - maybe more semi-colons? As a reviewer has mentioned above, I'd like to see some more relationships developed, such as the mother. I think the most important, however, is hers and Seth - is there something between them you're deliberately keeping from the reader? Because it seems odd that Penelope would reject him so flatly, and also very odd that Seth would enter her house with such scant introduction between the two of them and ask her out straight away.

I hope this review has been helpful. I always think that writers should read to improve their writing; I would recommend Crank, if you haven't read it. It will help you develop your style and fulfill the potential that the kind of column-type, poetry-style writing you've used has.
From a Project Fiction Reviewer, Liz. :)

Kaiken2834 Thankyouu so much darling. :)

I really like this. It's different,but in an amazing way.
I love how you wrote it :D

Rachel-Marie Thank-you so much! That really made me happy! :)
who.could.guess Thanks mahdear! :)
weird soup Haha. I almost thought your comment was going to be negative feedback from the beginning! lol But thank-you!

wow. those chapters you just updated with were EPIC! The emotional roller coaster. thank you soooo much for updating! I loved the length as well.
P.S: I love the font of your message "don't be a silent reader" <3

Well, it certainly is unusual, but I like it. It's very deep although you don't exactly use a lot of words and it seems kinda like a poem. Still, good job. :)

amazing writing style! excited for more(:

Holy Crap!
I love this so much, you have no idea!
I just read every chapter and can't wait for you to write more!
I absolutely love your writing style.
The chapters are short, but powerful!
Truly amazing! (:

Vengeance_foREVer Thanks so much. :) And I have about six chapters going up today maybe. :)