February 14th, 2011 at 04:02am
Ok, so wow.
That is my verdict. Wow. This story was completely heart breaking, honestly that poor girl just couldn't catch a break. You used the lyrics really well, I think you captured the whole imagery of the song and you definitely wrote a sad story.
Now, that is not to say that it was perfect. There were several grammar/spelling mistakes, for example:
'Angle' should be 'Angel'
'More than one' should be 'Once'
'To nurses' should be 'Two nurses'
Also, some of the dialogue was awkward. Like the nurse saying 'I cannot tell you' as apposed to 'I can't' just seems unnatural.
Great Job, Cheers :D
However. Grammar... Welp. You need to work on your comma and semi-colon rules and some of the words, though spelled correctly, were wrong for the context of the sentence. Also, 'to' has three spellings and three different meanings, 'to', 'two', and 'too'. You used them incorrectly once- I think, you used 'to' instead of 'two'. And that's really all I've got. Just technical stuff.
Anyways, I think you just need to give your writing a little editing TLC and it'll be the cat's pajamas. Despite the imperfections in syntax, it was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! :D