Beautiful Things. - Comments

Just wanted to let you know that your banner doesn't work anymore.

Great story by the way!

I've been subscribed to this story for quite awhile, I just haven't been able to sit down and read it. Now that I'm finally able to, one of the things I want to comment on is that I liked the layout you had before better. The colors and the photo all fit in beautifully, and I feel like the colors now are kind of...bleh. That being said--ONTO THE STORY.

The summary certainly draws me in, I'm definitely interested in reading the story simply after reading that.

For some reason I definitely thought that Ronnie and Veronica were two different people so I was ridiculously confused. I really like what you have so far, you've got a great descriptive voice and I'm definitely glad I subscribed to this when I did. I'm definitely going to make time in my day simply so I can read this. :) Great piece.

I like the set up for the story within chapter one, I thought it was a nice length and really grabs the readers attention. You reveal a lot about her but also keep the reader wanting to know more. Chapter Two was a nice follow up, I like the change in perspective and I thought your imagery was brilliant. Overall I thought this was quite good, and I can't wait to read more!

I like the title a lot, but I'm not really fond of the layout so far. It's very plain, which can be good in some cases, but it really doesn't match the title.

I like the summary. Does exactly what a summary should and sums it up without giving too much away, plus it sells the story to me.

One

I like the description of how she's working. I can already tell that she's very dedicated and cares a lot about her work, and then you reveal what she's working towards; admission to college.

I dug that you put the word 'like' in her dialogue. Makes it flow and sound much more natural.

In this first chapter, you've really got the story set up for yourself, which is great. You could really take it so many places and do so many things, but you've given your character motivation to move towards something and to therefore further the plot, which is key.

Two

I like, right away, that the first chapter is from her perspective and the second is from his. I just like stuff like that, personally.

Mixing a simple rum and coke for an already intoxicated girl who appeared barely legal, he glanced at the stage where a loud indie band was setting up.

This is just some great imagery. It really sets the scene and gives me a feel for what's going on.

Nate slid into the drive thru, oily as a snake as he ordered a large hazelnut coffee with 3 equals, four creams.

Here, too. That's really great.

My only suggestion for the story overall would be a different color for the layout background. Maybe a pattern or something a shade or two lighter.

Great job!

The layout is amazing. Really simple but draws your attention. I love the summary. It really makes me want to read it. Also, the MCR lyrics from Sing really made me want to read it. x] The actual story (I read the first two chapters) were really good and well written. This story seems to be well structured and it's very interesting. I can't wait for more. :-) I'll read more, also when I get a chance!

Alright bear with me here, I'm not good at giving long and detailed comments. I really like this story and I was expecting it to be quite uninteresting to be honest, but I was very wrong. You have amazing talent and the detail throughout the story so far is great. I also like how the banner and layout go together well, they don't clash so much that I would rather focus on it instead of the stories. There were some errors in the grammar but with them already pointed out I don't feel it necessary to state them again.

I really, really like this story. It's so unique, I love that it's set a little bit in the future and everything seems so different, like with the lack of arts around and stuff. It had a sort of Dystopian feel to it, like you focused on a part in society that just doesn't sit right with you and exaggerated it and created this story. I love it because that plays a big part in making this so different from all the other romance stories on this site. I really like it when characters are really arty too, I don't know why, it's like they have this view on life different from everyone else and when an author embodies that, I'm always so impressed. I like the name Ronnie too, for a girl. It really shows that she's not gonna be your typical female lead. And I wish I had been able to be the first one to say how much I loved the title of this, but dru already beat me to it, but I love how that band name will pretty much symbolize Ronnie and Nate's relationship. This will get so interesting when they finally meet. This is a really good start. Keep up the great work!

chapter three;[/]

i was actually just rolling my shoulders 'cause they hurt so i laughed when i read that in the opening line.

i still really enjoy the descriptions of the art she created. you give just enough description of it and not too much. i think it's great for someone like me who isn't an artist. when you describe what the wolf looks like, i really see the image. and i see a drawing of a wolf, too, not an actual wolf.

i like how she thinks about going down to add her best friend to the list. it seems so human. that thing you know you should do that really won't take a lot of time, but that you always forget to do or put off doing because you can 'next time'. it's very human. i also like the casual mention of the therapist.

i love how we keep seeing little bits of this almost totalitarian government. it's very casually mentioned in narration because it's how people are used to living now, which makes it better. it's not this huge gloom and doom thing and it's not the first thing we think about in the story. we think about the characters. i think your development of 'the system' is so well done.

i love the idea of the mural and i like the casual mention of getting it approved by 'the state' as well. and then the illegal thing. it's just really great how we see that it's a normal part of their life, how they even joke about it.

i wonder about ronnie and rehab now and i like the friendship between the two because i saw in the backstory thread how you mentioned they'd dated before so it's interesting to get this sort of comfortable friendship despite. i really see how much they care for each other.

the mention of 'iron man 3' probably shouldn't hav been chilling but it was. because that movie is scheduled to come out in 2013 so it's not that far in the future at all.

it's pretty strange to know that all this is going on with the government and the girls are just normal, getting snacks and movies. it just sort of shows that, no matter what, life goes on. and we do what we can.

just like the chapters preceeding it, it's wonderful. i can't wait for the two leads to meet though<3

Review
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I wanted to point out your errors first then give you the good news :)
1) In Chapter 3 when Adele is talking she says "S’least I could do; I know I’ve asked you to do a lot for me before, so it’s nice to something nice, right?”
"nice to something" should be nice to do something"
2)"again an Adele" This is at the bottom of chapter 3 when Adele is trying to convince Ronnie to go clubbing. An should be and.

I just wanted to point those out for you before my review.

When I started the reading it I was really interested because of how you described what Ronnie did and what she was thinking about and why. It gave her a more rounded look.

As I went on I saw how close Adele and her were and how they act and I started to wonder if maybe the outcome of your story is them being together? Even though in your summary you talk about Nate Eddison, Adele and Ronnie just seem like they're together.

I absolutely loved their bond though, the best friend side not the falling asleep in one anothers arms side (but only because I'm not into that). The bond they have though where they just know each other that well and are great together makes me think of my best friend and myself even though I'm more of a quiet creative girl and she's a very redneck-country girl.

Your details were very well done. I commend you on it. They were vivid but they also had a vague sense about them, which was good because it didn't leave everything up to the reader or tell the reader exactly what everything looked like. It gives the reader a general idea while allowing them to think of their own colors and their own extreme specifics of it.

Your writing is the kind I would love to see in a book. There are a lot of people on this website and not all of them have the best writing skills but you are both a writer and an artist in the making. Your words are beautiful and captivating without screaming at the reader with shocking vulgarity or shocking plot lines. It was well worth the read and I'm glad I was able to read it. In fact, the mural on Ronnie's wall of the starry night is still in my head. I keep visualizing it with Ronnie and Adele pointing to things on it to one another. This is one of those stories where you are just in awe at the writing whether the story ends up good or bad (which so far it is good). Keep it up. :)
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It's carefully written, I can tell. The summary and layout is beautiful. I love how you describe Ronnie's everyday life, her relationship with her best friend. Ronnie being kind of envious of Adele's dating is realistic, I admit I'm somewhat jealous of my friends for somethings too. And because the comments above me seem absolutely smitten with the previous chapters, I went ahead and read chapter two, because hey, I wanted to meet Nate.

can I just say that I adore this line? Nate had heard the song Porn Star Dancin’ about fifteen times too many in this smokey atmosphere, but he knew that he’d be hearing it at least double that by the end of the night. There's nothing completely extraordinary about it, but the way it's worded and how absolutely true it probably is (I've never been to a club) makes it all the more brilliant.

The band is called 'beautiful things'! OHH YEAHH. I see it now. Anyway, I'm intrigued by this government idea. I really don't hope this happens in real life, just fuel for thought.

So to end this horribly comment (I apologise, I'm not quite good at giving them) I also like how Nate and Ronnie haven't met yet, it'd be interesting to see how they act before and after they meet. I'm subscribing now, but would you mind telling me when you update? I have a terrible habit of remembering the good stories on my subscription list and the ones I've yet to chuck out. Thank you for the chance to read this!

I would read Selfish, but you wrote that for my contest and I don’t want to ruin the surprise haha. It’s got a wicked layout though.

I love the banner you choose for this story, where did you find that picture? I think the background color works well with it. You had me hooked by the summary. I love how you described them.

You’re writing is amazing, it’s obvious that you’ve put a lot of time and effort into this. You do not know how excited I am to read more. I have a feeling this will be a great story and I can’t wait. I love their characters so much. Even more, I love how you each gave them a whole chapter to introduce them. We get a real in depth look about who they are, what they do and what they’re like.

Excellent job.

story/review game

layout & summary;
i think the layout is wonderful. it's not so busy that it distracts you while reading, but it's also interesting enough to suck you in. i think the picture you chose is magnificent as well because what she's drawing matches, in a sense, the way you wrote the summary. "spindly artists" is a phrase that stands out to me a lot and it works so well with the picture. 'sing' is also one of my favorite songs of 'danger days' so i love that you used it. and it actually fits. it's not just tossed in there.

chapter one;
i wasn't expecting a high school artist. not that it's a bad thing, but i was sort of expecting one of those twenty-something coffee shop girls. it's too much description for my personal taste, but i can tell that it's not overly done. everything you're writing has a reason to be there. the description of her actually drawing is quite amazing because you get a real picture. and it's something, i think, that most people would have a problem describing.

now i'm confused about her age since she has her own apartment. but that's okay. it makes me want to figure it out. -giggles-

the only thing that has thrown me so far is the dialouge here:
[...] and I've not been able to get internet up in the apartment yet."
the "and i've not" is sort of... awkward to me, but maybe that's just a regional thing. i know i don't speak that way and none of my friends do. only thing that's jumped out to me so far as needing pointed out.

i like the comparison between orlando and miami because, for someone like me who's never been to florida, it paints a very clear, nice picture in very little space. you get the feeling of one of those 'pretty cities' as opposed to one that college kids crash to get drunk and get laid. it painted so much scenery in my head for being such a short "blurb".

chapter two;
i think this is a typo?
Due having graduated and his taking a break for a year before slipping into college[...]
I think that's mean to be "Due to". Pardon if it's not, I just had to reread it a few times and I think it's an omission.

something i'm noticing already is that even though the narration is still very similar to the first chapter, it's changed slightly to match the character and it makes me wonder what will happen to the narration when their worlds collide. nate's narration is simpler and ronnie's is a little slower-paced. i like it. i like the very subtle difference.

a band called "beautiful things"? now i see a double-play on the title. brilliant. seriously, i'm in love now.

i like erin talking into the mic 'cause it just seems so normal and casual. i like it. just a small thing.

Agent? government controlling music? oooh, this just got 7237298743 times more interesting. did not see that coming from the summary. now i'm actually going to have to subscribe to the damn thing. XD

general;
i think your story-telling skills are amazing and i really love that you held something back in the summary. this is wonderful and it really just hooks into you and makes you need to read more.

Okay, so first of all, I'm always smitten by your layouts and banners. They're so amazingly elegant and gorgeous <3 And your stories are as well. This is absolutely beautiful. The main character is believable and you make her so real; some people don't pull that off well, but in every story of yours that I read, you always have believable characters. I love how you get the reader in touch with the smells, sights, and sounds. I love it so much :] This is very well-written; I'm definitely going to sub to this and I'll be back to read the second chapter when I can (: Lovely job, hun! <3

I really love how you bring the character to life and make her believable. I can almost hear, see, and smell all the things around her. Being engaged to an artist myself I know the smells of freshly shaved pencils and various paints. It is very well written. I do hope you continue to write more.

Beautifully written, I can't wait for more

This story seems lovely. I would read it.