The Ugly Duckling - Comments

I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Pre-Writes #2’ contest.

I love this story. I don’t know too much about ballet as it is (as in the terminology and such), but I love the beauty and grace of it. I love the aesthetic, the commitment it takes, the talent and dedication these girls have. I love all of it. Ballet is an art and I love that this story focuses on that—at the same time that it focuses on the emotions Ana copes with under the weight of her mother’s constant belittling and criticism. Ana deals with so much in just five chapters. I appreciated how you immediately acknowledge the relationship that they have, how Ana fears her disapproval, and even when she’s not around, Ana deals with the guilt of going against the things her mother has conditioned her to thinking and doing. The fact that she did have a moment of rebellion made her very human because you can tell that her mother’s approval means everything to her, but she also just wants to live. She’s a multi-faceted character with a lot of depth and I love it so much.

I also love the friendship between Rose and Ana. They clearly care about each other a lot and will always support each other unconditionally. I love friendships like this because they’re so underrated. And for the record, I do hear Rose’s and Ana’s accents when they speak. I actually really enjoy the fact that you don’t try to force their accent into the dialogue, though. A lot of authors will write the accents, like how someone with a French or Russian accent would pronounce certain English words (like ‘zee’ instead of ‘the’ and such), and it’s so distracting. I, personally, don’t think that it benefits the story. Your reader is either going to hear the accent or they’re not. The best you can do as a writer is continue acknowledging how certain words lilt off the tongue.

Your writing style is beautiful. Very complementary to the story. You don’t use a lot of contractions, which I think fits into Ana and Rose being French and Russian. You use a simplistic vocabulary, but you manipulate the words in such a way that it’s this beautiful and emotional flow from chapter one to chapter five. I didn’t catch a single moment where you lost it for any reason. It was impeccable.

I’m actually so sad that there isn’t more because I was really looking forward to Act II, and seeing how Ana continues to cope with her mother’s pressure, the audition, and Mason being in her life. I would love to see all of this because I feel like there’s so much potential to just casually break my heart. I hope you come back to this one day. Maybe.

Please do continue, this is so wonderfully written.

I was brought here here from the comment swap. I am very glad that I was! Most of the stories that the comment swaps bring me to aren't very good, which is sad to say. It is very rare to find a story that is well written and has amazing grammar! Most stories are shoty fan fictions that have one dimensional female characters who fall in line with the Mary Sues. Ana seems to have a good sense of who she is and not give a shit about what others think of her. I have only read the first two chapters, but I plan on reading all that you have posted because your characters are well written and seem to have their own personalities. I would love to hear some more back story as far as Ana and her mother goes! I hope you go into it more once her mother come back from the audition with the other dancer. I also have a soft spot for dance characters because I always wished I could have been a dancer growing up! A few parts of this story are reminding my of Black Swan. I'm not sure if that was your intention? But I did enjoy that movie very much and I love your story so far!

I loved it, but could you specify her age?
Thank you.

please continue! you're one of the best writers on mibba, and your stories are so cute! the themes are always lovely too.

This is pretty much AWESOMEEE! Continue please please pretty please? ^.^

I absolutely adore this. :)
It's a brillant idea to begin with.
and the way you've laid it all down...there's no telling where you'll go next.
I love it.

it was really good! great job! keep updating! =)