Forever the Name on My Lips - Comments

Well I want to start off this comment by saying thanks so very much for joining my contest. I have another entry to read from you and I must say that I'm excited.

The layout in my opinion was actually really great. I thought that it was such a great look to it. The colors were great on the reader's eyes and it made the story that much more enjoyable. Sure a layout isn't as important as the content, but it was great to have a really legible story. I liked that. I also liked the summary of the story, it didn't give too much away but it wasn't too vague either. I thought that was a great thing and that made me want to keep reading.

I loved how you introduced the story. In my eyes, this is how a story should be started. It gave the reader such perfect imagery of what Ben was doing. I loved it because it wanted me to get into the character of trying to just let the thoughts leave my mind, and to become the character. I liked that and I thought it was really well structured and well displayed. I do believe that you have accomplished something really strong with how you began your story. In doing so, you made the reader want to keep going. Whether my expectations were let down or not was going to be a mystery and I had to keep on reading to find out.

The moments right before he read the letter was something super special. I thought that it was an important moment in the story. There was such an intense feeling and that was just simply sensational, I really enjoyed this because it built up this tension between me the reader and Ben. I thought that having the letter in the story was simply just genius. I thought that it was a really nice touch, and it added so many different emotions throughout the letter. It added depth to the story. I liked how assertive she was and at the same time I liked how she was soft and truly felt the pain that Ben caused her. I liked how the letter ended and the topics that the letter covered. I thought it was nice transitions and simple little things that you did in the letter that took it over to the next level. I truly loved the letter and it was a bulk of the story so that's a good thing.

One thing I felt that let me down a little was the ending of the story. I felt that the ending was rushed and almost like you wanted closure. I felt that the ending threw off the course of the story; it almost gave the story away as a first chapter of a series of sorts and not so much as a one shot. I thought that it was let down a little too quickly after all the buildup you had created to get to that point.

By no means am I saying this to insult you. I am just judging the story from my perspective. Overall, I really did enjoy reading this story! :D Good luck!

So, I have no idea who the Atlanta Thrashers are, nor do I know who Ben Eager is. Ah, well, Google will be my best friend in this (: First of all, I really like the layout; it's simple and doesn't hurt the eyes, lol! Oh, wait. Okay, I feel idiotic right now. Ben Eager is an NHL player? That solves the mystery xD Now, onto the review. Honestly, I'm not a sports-fic fan at all, so this might be a little...biased. Anywaysss. I do like how this was written and I really, really like Savannah; she's definitely brilliant and I can tell that she grew up really fast while in a relationship with Eager. Like Addyliners said, she's cruel and mean in a clever sort of way. Oh, and I honestly would never see a future NHL player doing Yoga back in high school, hahaha! Hey, hun, it's good for the joints... And I really like the ending. Glad that she got her revenge, but sadly for Eager, he's royally fucked. This is splendid and perfect and I really hope that you won the contest (: You deserve it! <3

I thank your friends for helping you get out of a funk because you wrote something truly wonderful!

The concept of the story mostly being written as a letter was pretty freakin' awesome. It allowed for greater story, background, and character development in so many words.

I really liked Savannah (the name and her character). She started out as this awkward girl but grew up beautifully, and maybe just a bit too fast in too short of a time span with Eager. Savannah was pretty damn brilliant, I must say. She's mean and cruel in the cleverest way. And she's vengeful. I like! And it was great how she was this sweet, heartbroken girl in half of the letter and then snap - she's got her nails filed to a point and ready for use!

There are a couple of marginal conjuction errors, but nothing a re-read can't fix. A couple of commas added here, a couple taken away - mostly things you can fix yourself. There was also a small grammatical error when Byfuglien was talking to Eager. After the quotation marks there was a period and a non-capital; it should be a comma and capital. And there's another part. The part of the story that says: "It's not what happened at Prom [...] it's what happened afterwards;" there should be a semi-colon between the two where you put the comma, I think. I'm not too certain on that one, but that's what it seems like to me.
And 'grueling' is spelt with two L's.

I laughed out loud when you said Eager was forced to do yoga back in high school. I tried to imagine that but I couldn't without hurting myself. If he does in real life, I gotta see some evidence for myself!

The imagery was brilliant. You didn't have to look at the picture/banner to imagine what the girl looked like in the picture or as a character in general! You just get this sense of how Savannah looks, how Eager affected her, how the night was, and how Eager was back when he was with her.

It was great that in the end, Savannah got her vengence. Pure bittersweetness coating the tongue. And then Eager was fucked for life.

Favourite line: "You know, you can plan for a change in weather and time, but I honestly never planned on you changing your mind." 'Twas simply magnifico!

You did a splendid job and thanks for entering and such! Good luck!!

Gahhhhh! Awesomeness :D haha. Glad i could be of service to you, buddy ;) haha. Really good!! Ben can now suck it for leaving Savannah in the first place! And Savannah is a crazy chick who can let it out DEEP! haha jk
"empty promises and endless lies" i swear idk where that even came from haha
Great job, A-lizzie :P

"I'd like to thank the academy..."
Beautifully written.
Wish there was more!! :)