After the War. - Comments

Is there going to be a sequel to this story? (Please say yes. It seems unfinished and I'm dying to know what comes of this.)

^Claimed and finished.

For one thing it's really good that I'm hooked. It's extremely rare that I get hooked to stories on this site, honestly.

I'm big on art and having my eyes feel good on the internet while I'm reading (hence one of the reasons I don't like reading on the computer) and the color scheme you used is really soft on my eyes and it works really well with the picture (or banner) you used. It moves the eye, artistically. (what's funny, though, is that one of my stories on here actually does hurt my eye.

Another thing I noticed, you seemed to have relaxed a little on the parenthesis thing. That's a good thing because I promise you, anytime I see parenthesis anywhere I skip it at first, then go back to it two to three sentences later. I know I'm not the only one who does that, or even worse.

(William would probably think it was chicken anyway.)

They're a lot of things I laugh at, even when it's not that funny, but I did like that there. It was petty humor, to me.

The names, I get confused. You had another story with the name Ryan in it right? Maybe you could vary your names some and come up with something new. Like, making up some strange name, or using a nickname throughout most of the story. But that's just a suggestion.

Hotels have stoves and ovens? I guess they do where you live, but I've never heard of it. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

Uh oh, I see the name Spencer... Oh, it's a fan-fiction.

Neither of them could keep track of how many times he'd said it in the past few weeks.

I like how you said that and not something cliche like "He's said it too many times to count" because everybody says it like that.

"I never meant to kill you." he whispered to the darkness. "But you weren't coming back." He sniffled and wiped at his cheeks.

It's good how here you say something that makes me want to keep reading. (And I'm seeing read and green lines ) .

"Yes." Ryan agreed, nodding.

There should be a comma after yes instead of a period.

Pete frowned again. Perfect ninety degree angles on all the frames, he could tell. The bed was so perfectly made, not a single wrinkle in sight. He felt like he was looking at a picture in a catalogue. He couldn't decide whether to cry or pull on his hair and scream. He settled for neither.

Haha, if you know one thing about visual artists is that the best of us are crazy and messy. My room looks like a bomb went off in it. I can't stand things that are too neat. It's like chaos to me. I need some disorder and mess. I find things better. (But not insane chaos ) I'd go mad if I witnessed this also.

Pete questioned in a low voice," that this sort of dysfunctional order is actually good for Will?"

The quotation mark and that are supposed to be connected, not the comma and quotation mark.

William was asleep with Ryan checked on him an hour later

Hate to be nit picky... but, I believe it should be when, not with.

I think short stories are for you. The way you write really works for them and I believe it's your forte. If I read your writing in a longer story, I'd probably get bored, to tell you the truth (but that's because I'm a loser when it comes to reading fiction books [I have a weakness for... a different kind of story]), but in short stories, it really works. I wonder if I'm running up on two hours.

More petty mistakes to look for (I've grown the eye for this crap lately and it's driving me insane)

I also like how you're slowly putting together how the hell Gabe died piece by piece. It's also getting on my nerve, in a good way.

The knife made a scraping noise against the dry toast.

I like that because I literally just imagined the sound of a knife on a piece of toast.

Pete grit his teeth and stared hard at the bottle of wine in Ryan's hand.

Um, make sure you watch you verb tense. You have past and present in this sentence with grit then started.

Although I'm unsure of what happened to Gabe, even at the end, I still believe it was a good story. The last paragraph reminded me of a certain part in the movie For Color Girls Only where the mom had her two children dropped out the window of their apartment by their drunk and slightly crazy father and the mother stayed locked up in her house for a long time crying. Then finally her "neighbor" came in and told her to move on and take responsibility for their deaths...

Anyway, that's besides the point. The story was well written and I liked how you talk about death happening and how people need to move on from it to live properly.

As I said before: this is goddamn beautiful.

One of the things I really like about it is how you have kind of a play-by-play of their actions (like when William and Ryan are making breakfast, for example) but it doesn't drag on or seem boring. It fits in very nicely and neatly with the flow of the story.

I really like the tone of this, and reading this was like slipping into a trance, almost, because of that.

I love the line: The easiest way to live with a ghost is to ignore it. And I also like how the 'ghost' theme is picked up a couple of more times, especially with the part where William thinks he sees Gabe sitting next to him.

I like the Ryan you've created, as well as the Pete. I like the details about how things are decorated, and how they eat take out, and the wine, and everything. I like how while this story is such a beautiful lull, you almost get the sense of how suffocating their routine could feel. And I like how Pete refers to it as a dysfunctional order.

I like the part where they both look different that night, before their bath.

Ryan's mini-breakdown in the shower (that he stops before it can really start) is so utterly painful.

For some reason, I really like when Pete slaps Ryan, and that whole scene that follows.

I think this story is fantastic. I think the ending works out really well (and I very much like it) and it's all so good.

Favorite lines:

He almost added that he'd never made duck before, but thought before of it.

when William asked if they could keep the leftovers. It was a relatively simple question, except that they never did and didn't own Tupperware.

His voice was softer than his kisses.

just moved the message to the appropriate folder and went back to looking at lamps.

"God," he murmured to the emptiness, "who the hell were we?"

But sometimes, he thought, you needed to remember even if it lead to your own suffering.

They were all alive and not just technically. (I think this is one of my favorite lines in the entire story.)

He couldn't decide whether to cry or pull on his hair and scream. He settled for neither.

like if he coughed the glass dome Ryan had so successfully created would come crashing all around them and they'd be cut to ribbons by the shards.

almost angry that he'd had to reach the conclusion himself.

They needed to stop pretending. Ryan needed to cry and William needed to breathe.

Okay, so it's just over three years in coming, but here is the sequel to After Supper.
Maybe there'll be another one in three more years. XD
(I'm actually thinking of one more following and a prequel, but not promises.)

It took me awhile to decide to post this because I didn't want to destroy the integrity of the original, which is still one of my favorite stories I've ever written, so please leave a comment if you like this and telling me how it compared to the original, if you've read it.

Comments are love!

xoxox
-Dru