Thanks for the submission and sorry for taking so long with my comment!
This was a really interesting read. It was definitely very original, and I greatly appreciate the metaphorical language of it. I'm a big sucker for metaphors. I loved that I could feel the effort you put into this piece of writing. It's more inner-world based than story-based, and that is another thing I liked in this particular fiction. I think you are a writer with potential.
But. I feel like a grammar-policy general alraedy, but I have to mention grammar also in this comment. There were some typos, that's ok, typos can be always fixed. But then there were also some odd sentences. I think you just need some more stylization. Maybe reading more books could help it. I dont know how much you read, but reading is never bad for a writer, that's for sure. So yes, this is my advice. Formal side of writing is very important, and I'm sure it's not just to me... but to all readers, because wrong grammar makes it very difficult to read. Anyway. This is just something I think you could work on and I see space for improvement here.
As it comes to the metaphors, I LOVED them. The first paragraph blew my mind. Perfect intro. I'd quote it all here, but I think it's not neccessary - let me just say that I'd copy-paste the whole first paragraph here and write - 'excellent'. I can feel connection with the title as well as with the picture in it, it sets my mind on the right tune for this story, it tickles my brain and heart. I loved it.
"Lend a brother a hand?" I lay on the ground and extend my hand to him like a black hole, begging for some attention. His. The ground was cool, wet with the tears of the early mist. I didn't mind it soaking into my clothes so I laid there, foot injured and hand held up in his way, luring him in in this little patch of nowhere where farms and the sun are the only thing that matters. -> (the past of lie is lay... things like this burn my eyes x]) This was so so wonderful! I love the imagery of it... I could imagine the whole picture so well. Oh the metaphor with the mist... the image of the hand..... and just every single sentence in this paragraph is making my heart happy! Awesome job.
His growl, or attempt at one, sounds shaky and juvenile, lacking the stoic purr of adulthood. I smile and keep my hand up along with my hopes. -> First I was all: I have to quote that sentence! Then after her another great sentence came so I copied them both. I liked that description of growl a lot. And then the metaphor in the next sentence, connecting his hand and his hopes. This boy he had there next to him, I liked the way you described him.
You have arms, Fuck You." "Stop callin' me that!" his voice becomes shakier, cracking with uncertainty, fear and boyhood. The cloak of maturity slips as fear finds its way into his throat. -> I think this was a good and original idea. With 'Fuck you' thing. Another nommy candy to my writer-reader-self.
Jedd can't read my mind, the mind of a man so enamored with hands as much as he is enamored and entrapped with the illusion of masculinity. -> Yes. At some points, the whole talk about the boy's trying to be masculine (especially through his voice) was getting a little confusing for me... but this sentence here cast light on the whole idea for me. This sentence was very important, for me at least, because it kind of roofs the idea of the story. Liked it a lot.
So I can say that with this fiction you did a very good job. Good luck in the contest and in your future writing career ;]
This was a really interesting read. It was definitely very original, and I greatly appreciate the metaphorical language of it. I'm a big sucker for metaphors. I loved that I could feel the effort you put into this piece of writing. It's more inner-world based than story-based, and that is another thing I liked in this particular fiction. I think you are a writer with potential.
But. I feel like a grammar-policy general alraedy, but I have to mention grammar also in this comment. There were some typos, that's ok, typos can be always fixed. But then there were also some odd sentences. I think you just need some more stylization. Maybe reading more books could help it. I dont know how much you read, but reading is never bad for a writer, that's for sure. So yes, this is my advice. Formal side of writing is very important, and I'm sure it's not just to me... but to all readers, because wrong grammar makes it very difficult to read. Anyway. This is just something I think you could work on and I see space for improvement here.
As it comes to the metaphors, I LOVED them. The first paragraph blew my mind. Perfect intro. I'd quote it all here, but I think it's not neccessary - let me just say that I'd copy-paste the whole first paragraph here and write - 'excellent'. I can feel connection with the title as well as with the picture in it, it sets my mind on the right tune for this story, it tickles my brain and heart. I loved it.
"Lend a brother a hand?" I lay on the ground and extend my hand to him like a black hole, begging for some attention. His. The ground was cool, wet with the tears of the early mist. I didn't mind it soaking into my clothes so I laid there, foot injured and hand held up in his way, luring him in in this little patch of nowhere where farms and the sun are the only thing that matters. -> (the past of lie is lay... things like this burn my eyes x]) This was so so wonderful! I love the imagery of it... I could imagine the whole picture so well. Oh the metaphor with the mist... the image of the hand..... and just every single sentence in this paragraph is making my heart happy! Awesome job.
His growl, or attempt at one, sounds shaky and juvenile, lacking the stoic purr of adulthood. I smile and keep my hand up along with my hopes. -> First I was all: I have to quote that sentence! Then after her another great sentence came so I copied them both. I liked that description of growl a lot. And then the metaphor in the next sentence, connecting his hand and his hopes. This boy he had there next to him, I liked the way you described him.
You have arms, Fuck You."
"Stop callin' me that!" his voice becomes shakier, cracking with uncertainty, fear and boyhood. The cloak of maturity slips as fear finds its way into his throat. -> I think this was a good and original idea. With 'Fuck you' thing. Another nommy candy to my writer-reader-self.
Jedd can't read my mind, the mind of a man so enamored with hands as much as he is enamored and entrapped with the illusion of masculinity. -> Yes. At some points, the whole talk about the boy's trying to be masculine (especially through his voice) was getting a little confusing for me... but this sentence here cast light on the whole idea for me. This sentence was very important, for me at least, because it kind of roofs the idea of the story. Liked it a lot.
So I can say that with this fiction you did a very good job. Good luck in the contest and in your future writing career ;]