February 15th, 2011 at 07:42pm
aww! the twist at the end was unexpected. :O
i'm glad that 'twas a happy ending; adam asking him to be his boyfriend. x]
before that i was like. wtf dude, why you like lily?!
...lily sounded like me at one point. in a bad way. D: ¬.¬
My last class was Chemistry and I was unfortunately forced to be lab partners with this really ditzy, cheery tiny girl who won’t stop talking. I think her name was Lily something. Her mouth kept running and running and I don’t think she even stops to breathe. She could definitely talk. She was barely 5 feet tall and she still looked like a kid. A really happy kid.
heheh. and i literally am below five feet. xD
anyway! i'm sorry i took so long to comment on this. D:
i kept going on mibba telling myself i'd read your story, but then when i looked at the mibba users page i'd be like why am i on mibba again? :/
but yeah. that was really cute. :3
skye's like a typical adorable uke. :p
THEY KISSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
i'm talking so randomly, like i talk about this then suddenly that... :/
AH WELL. you get my drift. :D
good luck in the contest, nabbbb. x]
It started in very very promising way. The first paragraph definitely caught my attention and first 3 sentences of the second paragraph set my curiosity and interest in the right kind of mood for reading the rest. But then the grammar came in, and to me it was really distracting. You often mix past tense with present tense in inappropriate places, so as an advice of a writer to a writer, pay more attention to grammar next time, because plays an important role in the final result :]
To mention just one example, let's have this: "It wasn’t surprising when I didn’t make a single friend but I kept seeing Adam everywhere I go."
Oki now to the story. There were some really good moments I enjoyed a lot. The beginning, as I've already mentioned, was very good. Then you had some good drama moments in it, like when Adam, instead of liking the protagonist back, seemed to like the girl classmate. I also liked the dialogues in this story and the way you moved in time and space.
I think the story lacked more detail. I think it is an area you could work on :] You know, more detailed descriptions and... focus on little things instead of just the general picture adds the juicyness readers love.
Let's go to quotes.
“Sorry. I’m Skye Anderson.” I smiled and held out my hand. He shook it and smiled. I never believed it before when girls say they get weak in the knees but that was how I felt at the moment. Weak in the knees, swooning over a guy. -> I liked this passage. That was a good introduction of how meeting this new guy messed up with the protagonist's world.
“Cause I like her and I’m eliminating competition.” Oh.. Just my luck. I finally find a guy and he’s straight and pinning on my lab partner. Just nice. -> This is the moment I've previously mentioned. The building of tension in the story. I liked this place, it made me curious about what would follow.
“Can you help me get together with Lily?” Please don’t make me. I’d do anything for you except that. Anything except that. -> Hm, it seemed a little rushed to me how Skye's feelings went so rapidly from 'I have a beautiful neighbor' to 'I'd do anything for him'. You made it obvious that this story was about teen boys, but I'm not sure if even in case of teens the happenings would be THAT rapid. It was a tiny something that made the believableness of the story a little smaller for me.
It was only 9.00 pm and the party was already going at full blast. There was definitely booze and obviously loud, booming music. At 9.30, I finally managed to get enough courage to go to his house. As expected, it was filled to the brim. Sweaty bodies dancing all over the place. It was kind of disgusting. -> I liked this description. A little too factography for me :PP (as in, the exact times and stuff) but it was really good.
“I am. As of this very moment I, Adam Larson, am asking you, Skye Anderson, to be my boyfriend. Will you be my boyfriend?” -> Very cliche :X I've seen this too many times for it to still have an effect on me.
But generally I can say that it was a pretty decent story. I see you used the picture as an inspiration, so that is a plus. Thanks again for your submission and good luck in your future writing career ;]