Temptation - Comments

Okay, when I picture a female named Eve, whether it be the Biblical Eve or a regular girl, I always picture someone with an extreme amount of beauty. I like how in the banner the female appealed to the mental image. Basing each chapter off of a quote is a very nice touch; it's not something you would normally see in a story. The detail and wording are perfect, they easily paint a picture in the readers mind. I imagine it's hard not to envision Eve throughout each chapter. I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes, believe me that says a lot.

Snakes, it seems this individual will be playing an important part in Eve's complicated life. Calling her Alyssa was only the beginning, I hope she is able to discover who she really is and why she was with "Adam" and "God" in the first place. Her reaction to "Satan" amused me to be honest. She's thinking of this foreign name and then Satan pops in and informs her the fun is about to begin. I almost laughed at how out of place that seemed with her situation. But it's a good out of place so no worries there. I did seen some mistakes with spelling, only two so not that big of a problem. Overall this is a great story with amazing wording and details.

In Chapter 2

"dark and hiden away" should be "dark and hidden away"

"wan any of it." should be "want any of it."

Oooh! I'm so glad that I got to claim this again :D If I remember correctly, I read only the first chapter last time; now I'll read the second. Okay, so I really like how you start this chapter off, talking about the certain "place". No lie, God sounds like a bit of a stalker here - or maybe that's what Eve makes him seem like. I'm still very curious about the SNAKES, whomever they are. For some reason, I get chills whenever I see the name; it's, like, just seeing it creeps me out, without even know who or what they are. Oh, and btw, I found a teeny mistake here: "God" couldn't find me hear. hear should be here (:
Anyways, I really enjoyed this chapter; we get to see a bit how Eve continues to deal with everything going on Eden. I'm enjoying this story in general alot :D <3

Quite an interesting story. I think the short chapters you use really help in the readability of it. I like the unique take on creation you seem to have going. Thank you, by the way, for the comment to my story. It's always been my policy to return comments to my stories when I can.

Okay, so your layouts are so freakin' gorgeous that it's illegal. Seriously. And so are your ideas. Since I'm in a bit of a hurry, I'll comment on the prologue and come back when I can to comment on the rest (: Anyways, I love how this starts off. It's a bit confusing, I won't lie - especially when she talks about God and Adam being there; I dunno, maybe it's just me bring tired, but in my head it sounded confusing, but right. Yeah, confusing, I know xD - but like I said in my last comment, you add alot of mystery to your stories and it just makes it that much more fun and interesting tor read. I'm also wondering why SNAKE/SNAKES are capitalized? Are they some freaky ass group or something!? I HAVE TO KNOW!
Subbing, once again! <3

I really am in love with this! The writing is great and the story as far as I can see is great!
Its such an original idea, its like a breath of fresh hair.
I seriously cant wait for more! (:

This is very beautiful. <3
I love the layout, the picture is gorgeous and it fits well with the overall story.
I can't say that I'm a big fan of religious stories, but that's simply personal preference and it's a lovely story nonetheless. I feel honestly sad for "Eve," which is rare for me to honestly feel for a story character. I noticed a couple of typos, but the language you used was beautiful. I love how she seems to refer to everyone and everything with uncertainty, and how she somehow knows that these people are not who they claim to be.
Amazing.

This is fantastic!

I really love the whole idea of the story. I think this is only the second religion-based story I've seen on this site and it's completely different to the other. It's original, inventive and really, really great to read.

I adore the uncertain way you write. You keep everything as it might be or could be, but maybe isn't, and I'm kept guessing throughout the whole of the story as the the significance of certain things and whether they'll be true/real or not. Straight from the first line, even Eve as a narrator doesn't know alot about what's going on and through her eyes, we guess as she does. It's a great technique you use and it works fantastically.

I think one of my favourite parts was:
"The muscles in my arms strained. Absently my mind began to name those muscles. Deltoid, Biceps, Brachialis..."
I want to know if and how this would be significant, whether it means anything to the story, or may just be a little, yet still very insightful, fact about Eve.

It's great!

I have a feeling that the whole mythological aspect of plotlines are now becoming the whole 'it' thing. Anyway, I like what you have so far. You've got an interesting plotline going on so far and I'm curious to see where you take it. I'm sorry for the lame comment but I have nothing more to say.

I really like that first line, "They say my name is Eve." It really grabbed my attention right from the beginning. And there's a nice twist with how she feels only contempt for Adam; it's something I've never read before.
Hmm. Portrayal of Adam as an abusive man is risky, as you could offend people, but I think you pull it off well.
This is really very very original, nice job.

Very good idea, can't wait for more.

The layout is quite interesting. <3
This is a very, very original and beautiful idea.
I'm all for biblical stories. They make me think about things and thinking is one of my favorite things to do. I love how she stares at the snake for a moment, realizing that his eyes weren't black, but instead blue. That seems to foreshadow something. That perhaps the snake really isn't a snake at all, but perhaps a human or something? Freaky deaky. I'm really enjoying this already. I look forward to your next update. Which is hopefully soon.

very cool layout, i like it very much
read the summary ,adn in conclusion this is a very unique idea
I mean somehing I would never ever think of in my life
so, she feels weird about being called Eve?
some of this was kind of confusing
but the parts i did understand were really good!
it's a good idea, and you potray it very well
you are a good author, and i like your style :)

This is a very different story, and I didn't think I'd like it at first, when I started reading it. But now I seriously think this is amazing.

I loved how you ended it, the snake with blue eyes...
Please update soon because this is jut too good!

I like how confused Eve is about her life. Throughout the whole chapter, she was thinking that her life really isn't hers -- I really loved that about this. I also like how, in the second paragraph, pear, God and Adam were in quotation marks. I think it really adds to how wrong Eve thinks they are. One more thing, I like how this is like the story of Adam and Eve but you have changed it enough to make it unique. Overall, I really liked this. I can truly say that I have never read anything like this on here.

J'adore. I love Biblical stories, and yours has such an interesting spin. I love her narration too.
The Creation story is one of the best, and the way you stylized and capitalized SNAKES is fantastic.

Subscribing <3

I really like the layout, it's original and that's what I like to see in stories. I thought this story was very unique, I haven't read a story like yours. It was very interesting and the way you write made everything fit together. I did notice a few typos and a few missing words but that happens to everyone, just read it over again and you should be able to get those fixed. Keep updating(:

Review for Temptation.

Firstly, I very much like the premise of this story. It’s a very modern day twist on the story we all know and I’m very interested to read more. I like your plan to use a quote for each chapter and I think it will keep people’s interests well. Although it is a story rooted in the Bible, it’s not preachy or forceful, so I think anyone would like to read it, regardless of what they believe, it makes a good story.

Summary/Layout

I love the first quote in the summary and it’s a good way to introduce the story. My only suggestion would be maybe to bold the last part, the actual story summary, to make a distinction between the two sections, quote and summary. It’s a very minor thing though and I don’t think it would put off readers. The summary is short, concise and tells you the bare facts without just giving anything away.

I like the simplicity of the layout; it’s very easy to read and doesn’t give me eye strain, which is definitely a good thing.

Content

They say my name is Eve. I love this. It’s to the point and absolutely effective. It draws you right into the story and you automatically want to read more (often if the first sentence is marathon length, the reader gets bored and doesn’t even want to read on). It’s good you’ve avoided that.
The next sentence is also good as it opens the story well and shows you where it is going.

I know the name Eve, I would suggest changing ‘know’ to perhaps ‘recognise’ as you have the word ‘know’ written in the same way in the next sentence and I feel it would sound better if you used a different word.

The writing jumps from being present tense in the first paragraph to past for most of the rest of it. I’m not sure if this is deliberate, and it depends what you were aiming for if it was a good decision. If Eve is describing the action after it takes place, but when she still feels the animosity, then it’s ok, as the present tense is out of place, but if it isn’t, I would maybe change the first paragraph to past tense, and this sentence later on: “I wish I had could have a covering like that.”

I’ll just point out any typos I see as I’m going. I hope you don’t mind or think I’m nitpicking. “someone name Eve” should be ‘named’. “The names to things” I think sounds better as “The names of things” though it still sounds a little awkward. Maybe “Everything’s name always sounded wrong” is better.

I think in the third chapter, you should maybe edit the first sentence a little, it seems a little jumbled, perhaps making it the “smell of something” would be better.

I think you should expand a little on the smell, it’s effective but could be made more so by making it the one thing she associated with positive memories.

I love “They call it Eden.” As a reflection to the first sentence, it’s very effective. You’ve continued the idea that ‘they’ are feeding her the knowledge she doesn’t want, and that ‘they’ are somewhat evil, though I think you should explain why she feels contempt towards him and why she is confused.
In the fourth paragraph, you should give Adam quotations so it fits with the rest of the chapter.

In the fifth chapter, I think it would give the idea more impact to remove “and only sometimes Adam.” to leave “They were always watching me.” Just a suggestion.

I really like the description of the snakes and the way she feels envious of them for their covering. I think the idea that she doesn’t like Adam looking at her like that should also be expanded on slightly as I think it’s an important plot point that she doesn’t like feeling objectified.

“I always came away bruised.” Again, I love this. I think I have a thing for short sentences. It’s very impactful, shocking even, given our perception that God is kind and forgiving, as I like the juxtaposition between ‘discussion’ in the previous paragraph, and the fact it’s actually not much of a discussion at all.
In the last paragraph, “not quiet cold” should be “not quite cold”. I know it’s just a typo since it’s spelled right in the next sentence, but I just thought I’d point it out.

In conclusion, I thought it was very well structured, with a great blend of sentence length and choice of language. You used structure well with your short sentences to create impact and longer ones as description. As you can see, most of the points I picked up on are just word choice I would have maybe put differently, so you can see there’s not a lot to fault with this. I’ll be looking forward to the next chapter!