February 16th, 2011 at 07:59am
Things I noticed:
1. Your layout is distracting. Sure, there's no pictures, but with the different colors, I needed to use the default layout :x
I'm thinking it's the bright red & the Fantasy font, so just a thought, simple layouts work best (:
2. Your summary doesn't give a lot of information about what the story is really about. Is it a fanfiction? Original fiction? True story? What? I'm leaving confused and partially torn, wondering if a member of a band is going to pop out of nowhere and declare his abrupt and undying love for the main character.
3. First person point of view is the hardest to write in. You always have to stay either in past or present tense and the reader can only go by what the narrator has seen.
4. Beware of capitalization and punctuations.
"For Christ fucking sakes!" My best friend yelled at me. "You have to stop this! It can ruin you for life and you'll regret everything you did to yourself. Please, just stop it."
5. Since there is no Characters page, I have no clue what the main character's name is. The best way to introduce characters is by dialogue. It should be easier in a first POV story though.
6. You have a shit ton of characters and honestly don't have to give them a name unless they have true significance to your plot & story.
7. There wasn't a lot of paragraphs in the first chapter. Always remember that the first chapter is the "pilot episode" of a book. It's a lure. If you just have a filler chapter as the first one, it most likely leaves the reader in boredom, clicking out of the webpage.
8. Keep your author notes short, sweet and to the point. As a reader, I tend to not read long author notes, fearing that the author is rambling about nothing in particular. So, be careful. You don't always have to write an author note. (:
9. Oh and honestly, at the end, I didn't like the quick turn around. From a tough subject like getting someone to quit smoking to "Ya, lyk, we'll tots go 2 da mall nao && get me sum cloths && shittt!!!!1!!11!!!" No. It didn't work for me. It left me more with an, "Oooooookay? This beat out Matt Berry's quote for best turn around in a conversation." ahahahaha
My suggestion would to leave something that transitions into the mall comment. Otherwise your story won't sound mature. You could mention how the narrator wants to lighten the subject and get them out of the funk so it's not awkward. You could give them some hesitation to believing the narrator when they said they'd try to change. Fiction or non-fiction, realism captures your readers and bridges a connection. It's something you want, in order to progress with your story. Less of the connection, more of a chance that they'll stop reading. Not good.
Example: list the clothing when it consists of three or less pieces altogether - I went with a simple white camisole that clung to the right curves, a skirt at just the right length for the dress code, and kitten heels that projected me three more inches into the sky. Lord knows I need it.
From that tiny little excerpt you have learned that a) it's a girl. b) she's concerned about showing off certain parts of her body while still being fashionable. c) she's short in comparison to her peers. The way you describe your outfits can do more than give you a visual picture of your character. It hints at personality and thought process.
11. Paragraph dialogue:
Where are you? Emily's text read.
I'm still walking. I'm almost there. I replied.
…
"What fucking took you so long?" Danny asked.
I shrugged and gave him an innocent look to which he shook his head with a stream of incoherent words to follow. Ignoring it, my eyes landed upon Emily and Josh getting out of the car.
"Well, it's about time." Josh teased.
"Whatever." I rolled my eyes, adding in reply.
It's going to be one hell of a day.
12. Use of italics, bold, underline:
Italics - when the narrator sighs, gasps, coughs, & the like; written words (i.e. school schedule, passed notes, even text messages if you want.); emphasizing a word (i.e. "Well, I don't know what you're talking about." "No one asked you.")
Bold - I normally use it to highlight my story title in the story. (i.e. Forever & Always) but you can also add it in emphasis or text messages.
Underline - I don't use this one much, but you can use it as emphasis or a header (i.e. School Schedule)
*
So those are what I found while looking at it. I'm giving you suggestions so you always have the option of not taking it. If you need any more help, just ask (:
You've interested me in this story & my suggestions are to touch it up. You've got great potential of making it more known to readers and apt for subscribers, just need to fix it a little more (: