I dunno how that ended up striked out honestly. I hope you can read it!!
January 11th, 2011 at 09:30am
I want to start off with a thank you. Thank you for taking a dare and writing this. I didn't expect everyone to do a peachy-keen romance, but this was a brilliant taste of the opposite end of the romance spectrum. I love myself a little violent tragedy and rotten-ending to go with every other romance I read.
I like how you didn't beat around the bust in the beginning. You went straight to the good part and skipped the lollygagging. I enjoy stories like that especially because they raise questions like, "What the hell happened to get here?! Where is this going?! QUESTION INTENSITY!" Okay, not those exact thoughts, but that's my thinking process.
The vulgar language: plus. I swear like a pirate (it gets me in trouble with my mom sometimes) so when a character throws out the "feminine mannerisms" I like it because, face it people, that's reality for you.
Little grammatical note: hypens are different from dashes. Dashes are inserted in a sentence when the idea is steered in a different direction; hypens are used between words.
I would've liked some more development of Brandon's and Jasey's relationship a little and how the downfall all came about. I can see that this was more focused on the now and the attention to certain parts of it, but a little more character development would've been cool beans.
The intensity in the final scene were great! I felt this small jolt of adrenaline in me as I imagined the scene unfolding. I would hate to be in a situation like that, but for the sake of fiction I really loved it. Hit a little close to home though. I walk through the sketchy part of the city sometimes (I leave places a bit too late or the sun sets too early for me to leave my mom's work/work-area) and stuff like that flies through my head. Luckily it hasn't happened to me, but I don't wanna push my luck. But those scenes put the world a little in perspective, eh?
The tragic feel of the story I adore! Who falls in love like Shakespeare and Marlow nowadays, eh? I like reality; not everyone goes back to falling in love.
The way you interpretted the picture was brilliant! When I chose this picture I had a handful of ideas already buzzing; you happened to have chosen one of the ideas that buzzed about in my head! Maybe it was a tad nicer than I plotted out in my mind (I'm a bit of a bitch), but the essence was perfect and I felt a smirk on my face when she started walking down the streets and walked into the group of "rebels".
Overall, this was a crazy awesome idea and required some skills to write. A lot of people can write a romance, but tragedies and rotten-endings are harder. But one little question that doesn't need answering: did she die or did she just end up in the hospital?
Thanks for joining and good luck!!