love
February 24th, 2015 at 12:10am
I really adore this, honestly. I think it's lovely how you focused the whole story on her eyes, which makes the title fit perfectly. The ending is unbelievably sweet. I absolutely love the ending, and the fact that she's drawing Zak. It's mysterious.
There were many times where I found you writing almost choppy and a bit awkward, because of how it was written. Also, I found some grammar errors. I rewrote and edited most of the paragraphs that I found mistakes in, here they are (in order):
1) "wonder" should be "wondered" to match the tense of the story
2) I found, "I hated when her eyes were closed from me, I loved them", to be confusing. It made me do a double-take, because at first glance it seems to be contradicting itself.
3) They aren't light and almost hazel or dark enough to be black, they're just plain brown.
4) "What are you staring at?"
Shocked, my eyes widened.
5) "How did you know I was looking?" I asked her.
She continued to draw without looking up.
6) I sighed, still hoping she'd look up.
7) They were amazing. It's not about the color, I once tried to tell her. It's the way she uses them--to stare at my soul, trace a lie, or make my knees weak.
8) I sighed, lying down, her soft bed beneath me as I peered at the ceiling.
9) "Why?" I asked, trying to meet her turing gaze.
10) "I was drawing you," she whispered shyly.
I smiled.
11) "No."
12) She collapsed down beside me, clutching the pad tightly to her chest.
13) Sighing, I lean down next to her ear, whispering "please" softly.
14) I smirk, satisfied with the results.
15) Finally, her eyelashes seperate slowly and her dark orbs see my thoughts. At that moment, I was sure she was reading my soul.
I hope you can find use of these things I've rewritten. I totally enjoyed reading it! I look forward to your other writings. I'll absolutely check them out.
