January 12th, 2011 at 03:08am
I shouldn't be the first to comment, as this story is brilliant.
Honestly, the writing is brilliant and I can not wait for it to develop and unfold the whole story....
I love how you don't reveal anything too soon the sort of memory/flashbacks at the beginning makes it geninuely real.
Great work! :)
The characters seem realistic and easy to relate too. The emotions were expressed clearly; you did a fantastic job.
I've only the time to read the first chapter, but what I've read holds a lot of potential. You have talent. :)
There are two things that I would recommend, however. The first is a general Mibba rule: put spaces between your paragraphs. It looks nicer, and people are more likely to read.
Second, watch out for fragments.
For example,
The edges jagged, sharp to the touch, cutting through the skin of whoever else tried to interfere with perfection.
^ I love this line. However, it would be more effective (and grammatically correct) if you put were in-between edges and jagged.
Fragments can be great - if used properly in written pieces. They can provide impact and interest. However, if you aren't careful . . . readers will be annoyed. A little goes a long way, in this case.
Anyway.
I really did enjoy reading the first chapter, and I'll definitely have to come back and read the rest when I have the time. I wish you the best of luck with this story; you have amazing potential, and I hope my advice can be beneficial. :)