Last Days Alive - Comments

Your description is good, and it makes it easy to actually see what is going on around you. The coffee shop seems like such a comfortable place. The plot seems like it has a very, not like classic, but... I can't think of the word. Like a "cinderella story" feel to it.
I don't know about the layout, so I set it to default, and read. I feel so bad that the story opens on such a sad note. I mean, everything seems good, and then BAM! Kyle's death is dropped on us, much like it was dropped on her. It made it very shocking and realistic. I love the writing style, and the styles really blend together and that's what make's for a successful co-write. I'm going to subscribe. I'm interested. Josh is Kyle's brother? I think this is going to play out dramatically, and I am pretty stoked. Also, like, Kyle and the heroin? I know he's dead, but I want to know more about it. Was it his first time? Does Michaela know? Will she ever? SO many questions! I really like this, though. :)

Chapter 1:
I love the description of the café, “Pieces of furniture were scattered around the room, attempting to make it seem random, but I knew the manager had forced his employees to meticulously place every armchair at a certain angle to make it look good from all sides”. The language was excellent and effortless.
Unfortunately, you lose the flow nearing the middle. As soon as Michaela receives the text, the story becomes rushed, which contrasts negatively with the descriptive, eloquent beginning. Try to downplay irrelevant scenes and dramatize the central ones.
I don’t think that you’ve noticed this, but you switch from past tense to present tense continuously.

Chapter 2:
Your language wasn’t very profound in this chapter.

You see, this:
"You look amazing...!" i said with a hint of laughter in my voice.
"What was the hint of laughter for?" she said this in an angry sort of way.
Could become this:
“You look amazing!” I said, a hint of laughter seeping into my voice.
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What’s so funny?”

Try not to repeat lines! I know it’s difficult to find the right words sometimes; however the thesaurus is a brilliant tool. Trust me; I use it nearly every day. Also, reading novels that are genuinely well written helps widen the vocabulary, which, in turn, allows us to write more fluently.
The dialogue was a little underdeveloped. When Kyle was experiencing the effects of the drugs, you didn’t provide a very in depth description. You need to show rather than tell.

Chapter 3:
You’ve really redeemed yourself here. Currently your story is a rollercoaster. One minute we’re sliding towards the heavens, the next we’re plunging into the ground. With this chapter, you’re taking me higher and higher. Beautiful description throughout the entire chapter, you haven’t wavered.
You’ve really managed to make the reader empathise with Michaela. I feel as though her pain is my own.
Who is Josh? Kyle’s mysterious brother. I’m intrigued.

Chapter 4
Isn’t she a little young to be hanging out at a nightclub? If she snuck in, shouldn’t she at least be thinking about that a little?
That is all.

Chapter 5
You’ve definitely improved from Chapter 1 and 2. You have a broader vocabulary and your sentences are smooth with an even pace throughout the chapter. You haven’t rushed anything and you’ve taken time to describe her emotions and reveal the reason that she has taken solace in Josh.
“Unfortunately, my life doesn’t always turn out how I want it to.” A lovely ending for a lovely chapter.

thankyou :) my co-writer is bugging me about writing the next paragraph and i will be doing it very soon. I will start it now and hopefully it will be up soon :) Thankyou all for your comments! :) x

I love this stories begining and how it gets straight into it. The plot line brillent. I love your layout! At first the girl scared me but then I got used to it. I love it and think it is amazing! I want to read more!!!

Chapter 3: I really enjoy how your style of writing is- casual, short, and sweet. When I read the description of Josh, I thought she was going to be seeing Kyle or Kyle's ghost, or something like she was traumatized by his accident/death. I really love this story :D

Chapter 2: Wow! Nice. Now you got me thinking that Kyle's a jerk. But however, I enjoyed how you added some humor to his death. It makes reading death parts alot less sad/depressing. But I think everyone laughing at her for wearing slippers the people are all overdoing it. I mean really, who cares? The only spelling thing I found was in the beginning paragraphs that some I's weren't capitalized. You got me hooked. I'm suscribing.

I am going to review this by the chapter too.

Chapter 1: Very good descriptive words! I love the descriptions- we are learning about those in language.
There are no mistakes (as far as I can tell)with spelling or grammar. You have me hooked and as soon as I get done with this I am going to read chapter two. I really like it. But if it's sad....

Thank you all! :)

This was good. I loved the picture you picked.

Your writing style is nice - casual. Easy to understand with good descriptions. You've got good character and plot development.
I like your plot, at least what I've read. It's classic without being too common. I loved the first chapter best, for some reason. I loved the way you described the coffee shop and her drink and just everything. Hehehe. Beautiful.

This is a really great story, and I'm going to continue reading this when you update. Subscribing. (:
Have a lovely day.

Great job!! I'm definitely subscribing.
I love your descriptions. Like, from the very beginning when she describes the inside of the coffee shop. It just really puts the reader into the story.
Speaking of which- I loved the beginnin in general. You could have just as easily started with Kyle's funeral or the night of the fight, but I think that might have been a little cliche. Instead you started talking about Christmas and the speaker's thoughts and feelings, which was a great way to entice the reader before delivering such a shock.
All in all, I love the way you're writing this. It's so casual- it's almost like prose (which I freaking love). Looking forward to more!

I agree with fleur de paris. that girl's eyes are fantastic. I agree with the grammar and the details but I don't know...I didn't really get into it very much. Then again, I just read the first chapter. But I didn't quite feel the vibe or really enjoy what was written. That could've been just personal preference. But anyway, nice job. :]

The banner quite startled me, but I learned to like it. That girl's eyes are so stupefying, aha.

The chapters are nice and detailed, really realistic, and really just perfect. In the first chapter, I especially like the way you describe almost every little thing that happens in the cafe, like, what it looks like, and the bell, what she orders...

The rest of the chapters were a nice continuation of a lovely story. The grammar was good throughout. I'll be keeping my eye on this one.

First of all, I LOVE that picture of the girl. I didn't really take any notice until I clicked on One and then BAM! All I saw was her piercing eyes. It actually scared me a bit XD

Anyway, I liked how you describe everything from the joyous bell to the seemingly-random placed furniture in the cafe. Also, though this is solely for a squeal moment, I liked how her name is Michaela because that's my name (spelled differently but hey. I think its cool XDD)

There was no mistakes that I could find and that made reading this very nice and simple. I really like the idea of this so I may just stick with it and read more x) Lovely job!! :D

Firstly, I adore the banner that you've made, it's suited lovely and I really love how those piercing eyes just draw me to clicking on chapter one. I want to know what's happening.

Your chapters are nice and detailed, with enough information to keep me reading, but not so much that I want to skip a few paragraphs. I like how you describe the scenarios around us; it's drawing and I can imagine it going on in my mind.

Your characters seem to have developed there own voice as the chapters advance. They go from these plotted people to actually people. I can now almost predict the actions of each, I know them so well.

What bothered me was the layout of the text. It's the old cliche saying 'it's me, not you.' I've always had trouble with centered text. It seems to jump all over the screen for me. You can't please everyone though xD

In total I like this story. It's got great potential and the chapters are developing and flowing nicely. Awesome job!

Thankyouuu :D And thankyou for the corrections too :) Well the next chapter is mine.
It has all been plotted, it just needs writing. Zoe is now bugging me to write it and i will start tonight!! :DD Hope you like!!

Chapter 5:

Hay que prestar atención en clase de español.
For those of you who don't speak Spanish: We need to pay attention in Spanish class.
Mmhm, didn't know I had it in me, it's alright, it's cool. Marvel. Anyway, as if it wasn't even possible for me to fall in love with this even more, I did.
Sigh.
The story, overall, has a wonderful plot line, and I can't wait to see what you do with it. It's vivid yet I can relate, it's something that could happen to anybody. Some stories on here are so unrealistic it hurts, so I'm happy to see that someone is trying to be real instead of being trapped in a world of fantasy.
I'm subscribing, by the way.
I'd give this a...nine out of ten? ;D

Chapter 4:

My favorite part so far:

It was Friday. All week I had hidden behind my grief- not bearing to face the outside world. I lay on my bed, the small gap between the windowsill and the blind revealing a dull, grim sky beyond. The grey light shone through the split, adding to the depressed vibe the room gave out. What I gave out.

Dialogue, like mentioned previously, needs a bit of work, but it's nothing that some editing can't fix! :D

Stuff done got real, bar fights are the best. I love that, I love it, I love it.

Congrats, kid.

Ooh, Josh is acting all cute and what have you, ugh, I'm in love.

Five out of five.

Chapter 3:

The detail in this is just amazing, well done, kid. Just a bit of advice. Just like chapter two, I'd advise you to fix your dialouge.

“Michaela,” My Mom came up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder. should be: "Micheala," my mom said or spoke or whatever floats your boat.

I like how you left a little cliffhanger thing there, nice work. :')

Five out of five.

Chapter 2:

Before I begin, a word of advice:

Paragraphs should have space between them, otherwise people get lost and your writing looks shorter than it really is, not to mention that it also looks clumped. I is also a pronoun, and it should be capitalized, as well as the first letter in your sentences. Quotations should have a space between them and the word following the last quotation mark, i.e.,

"I mean, what am I supposed to do?" she asked, hands on her hips.

Also, your subject and verbs should agree.

“…Because of how beautiful you are.” I lied. A frequent error, I'm sure, but I think it'd help if you knew that instead of putting a period after are, you should replace that with a comma because that way, it's not grammatically incorrect. Also, it's advisable to not leave your quotations without some sort of punctuation mark before they end, i.e.,:

Instead of having : "Carl has a blue sweater" I replied, it should be: "Carl has a blue sweater," I replied.

Commas are a good idea too.

Overall, I'd give it a three out of five. I liked the descriptions at the end, but I'd advise you to fine tune them, dear.

I'm doing this by chapter, just 'cause.

Chapter 1:

I liked it. The descriptions were really nice and it felt like I was living it through her shoes, so to speak, so kudos. I actually really like it, because the first chapter can't give it all away, but it can't be too boring either. So far, you managed to keep me entertained, so congrats. ;D

I'd give it a four out of five, but that's just because there were a few grammatical errors that can be fixed in a few seconds.