After the Sun - Comments

Layout: So I like the layout and the banner is absolutely amazing. I think the layout sets the tone for the story nicely. The only thing is, personally I like to have stories centered instead of all the way to the left or right. I think that's just me being weird though xD

Summary: I love the summary! I think it's really interesting and unique how the sun went out, because I've never heard a story plot like that. And I also liked how the monsters were man-made, because it's also something I've never really read before on Mibba. The summary as a whole was really good, but I think the last paragraph was the best part. The whole beginning of the summary kind of fades because the last paragraph is worded so wonderfully and it really conveys what the rest of the story will be about. I especially loved, "When the water ran red, and the sky faded black—we hid." That one line alone gave me chills.

Chapter One: Okay, so I'm typing the comment as I read it, and I'd just like to point out first thing that I love the banner in the first chapter. I haven't even read it yet and I'm already intrigued. "It’s funny to think how much I miss what I never knew." I think that one line is really good, because it's so relate-able. I think that at some point, everyone's wanted to live in a different time period, whether they were going through an apocalypse or not xD I really love the main character so far, because her thoughts are so clear and easy to follow. The way you wrote this chapter is so vivid that I feel like I can almost see everything that she's seeing. It's amazing<3

Chapter Two: I think the first line is perfect. It's so short and blunt that it draws the reader in right away. I think the way she thinks about her father is interesting. The fact that she both loves him and resents him makes her that much more real. I like how the character is telling the story in a stream of consciousness almost. I wasn't expecting that when I read the summary, because most apocalyptic story lines tend to be jam-packed with action in the beginning, but I think this way is nice. The character's thoughts give a clear view into how the people's lives worked after the sun went out.

I actually have to stop reading now to go to dinner, but I loved this and I'm definitely coming back to read more later. Great job!

Well then......
Lol

Layout&Banner
Layout and banner combine to give it a dark, supernatural undertone. The attention and effort that you paid to the details of the story (story trailer, image coded dividers) is amazing. It shows through that you made an effort to set this story up and for some strange reason, all of that work give the story an atmosphere that draws readers in rather than repel them away. I say that because I've actually stopped reading a story simply because their layout and banner has either been too distracting, illegible or hurtful (to the eyes.)

Summary
Personally, I would rather that the first bit of the summary - the part before the divider - was not there at all. In all honesty, it reads like a newspaper report (a highly descriptive and poetic one at that). The last bit would go perfect all by itself.

Chapter Content & Character Development
There seems to be steady plot development going on here. There are no inconsistencies as far as I can see (in plot and character development both), and Noah, Jacob and Annabelle seem to have well rounded personalities. Noah is the original bad-boy vamp-sort-of who searches for redemption; Jacob is the original good-boy-gone-bad villainous vamp-sort-of who wants Annie for himself and Annabelle is the super-hybrid creation caught in the middle of a war she has no business trifling about in. I especially enjoyed the fact that you introduce new characters so easily - Samara, Jonathon and Lindsay. Not many writers have the skill to push minor characters in and out of their fictional world without sounding awkward or off-putting. You do it flawlessly.

It's also a major plus that you let Annie find out the things about her own father gradually. Most people tend to spill all in a single chapter, which sort of betrays the purpose of story mystery and minor foreshadowing that occurs in most write - ups.

There are however, a few typos that, while not entirely noticeable, mess with the fluidity of the whole story.

e.g.
“Jonathan was only seeking to make a new breed, child. He was trying to make a weapon, strong enough to aid him in his war; one that could follow directions and could grow like a human.

The latter half of this sentence sort of makes little sense considering that Jonathan (from what I could gather, at least) did not just intend to make a new breed, that he had wanted to make a fully fledged weapon, instead.

This was an interesting peek into the mind of a twenty something year old woman living in a post-apocalyptic world. It is executed so well that one can actually imagine themselves within the situation you paint as a writer. That isn't an easy thing to achieve.

Great work.

[Because you didn't mention whether you wanted it on PM or comment, I decided to post it on both. Heh]

This is so good.
I've only read the first chapter. But I love it!
So I'm going to go read all the other chapters! :D

Subscribed and anxiously waiting for more! Love the story and especially the way you've written it. Hook, line and sinker!

lAuRa

this is amazing.ive really looking for something different and supornatural... i found one hell of a story! update soon!

Thank you for suggesting this in my journal, I love it! ♥ Read all that chapters back to back and I am now subscribed :3

OH MY GOD
EPIC FILLER IS EPIC THO.
I love you. so much.
this update was so asjkldchlaskdjf.
ESPECIALLY THE ENDING.
THEY'RE FEEDING HER BLOOD, FOR HUTCHERSON'S SAKE!

please update soon c:

I can't wait to see what that'll do to her and also what her powers are going to be like.

I seriously spent a good five minutes trying to work out if the lines on the banner spelled a word before I realised that they were just lines. lmfao these cold and flu tablets are making me crazy. But anyway, chapter good, chapter good. I liked hearing about the story from someone other than Noah, because Noah always seems to put a macabre spin on it to make himself look evil, where as this girl just made him look brave and like her saviour. I loved it, because it justifies my love for him.

And wow... the ending. Dear lord. You just keep shoving out surprises and I keep taking them on but every time I'm hate myself a little more for my inability to write like you. STOP. JUST STOP.
...ACTUALLY DON'T BECAUSE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MERCY OR FRAGILE THINGS.

YOUR MOM IS OFFICIALLY AWESOME.
SHE LOVES IT?!
I love her.
kinda sorta.
yeah.
please update soon c:
Noah and Annabelle need to have a make out session already. ;D
please update soon!

I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH JONOTHAN. I CALLED IT... NOT OUT LOUD OR IN WRITING BUT I DID.
I seriously cannot fathom how you write the way you do. It's just so incredibly complex and articulate and just eerily descriptive as well. Ever word is perfectly placed and you never stray from your plot. You started me out thinking that Noah was an evil (and sexy) character, but slowly, without being to obvious, you've transformed him into a hero, in both my eyes and Anabelle's. Your writing is so beautiful. It's like reading a complex, more descriptive form of poetry that you have to sit and decipher but let sink in at the same time. Your creatures are all so unique, and I especially love the scaled ones that you described in the latest chapter. BILLIE I LOVE THIS SO SO SO MUCH AND I WANT TO CRY WHEN I READ IT BECAUSE IT'S SO DAMN GOOD AND I LOVE IT TOO MUCH

I just read five chapters in one sitting. Now, I'm hungry.

Sigh.

Jacob should stop being all bad boy and tell Annabelle the truth. And Noah should just figure himself out or something. It's like watching a movie, reading this.

Oh my goodness I love this. For some reason it was inacti-ve on my subscription list along with a couple other stories, so sorry I poofed for a while there. I thought the story go dropped.l since that happens a lot on this site :/ but now my subscription is normal again. keep up the fabulous work!

I say, MOAR! c:

oh my goodness, you updated Mercy and then this?! I love you so much.
ASDJKFHALSKDJCHALSKDJFH Noah's so protective of her, it's so god damn cute c:
I wish I had a Noah. one of those tortured heroes.
please update soon? (:

still great!

Um... wow. So either you've had this piece of brilliance planned for a while or you pulled something incredible out of ass lmfao. That chapter was absolutely incredible. That's the type of detail and writing the differentiates you from the rest of Mibba and sets you on par with published authors. There were no loose ends at all, and it all made perfect sense, which is really hard to obtain in fantasy stories. I had wondered for a while why she was so important, and that ending... wow. Even I didn't see it coming as I was reading the chapter lol. It was just so perfect. I can't even speak. YOU ARE SOME SORT OF HIGHER BEING. THERE CAN'T BE ANOTHER EXPLANATION. WRITE MORE. NOW PLEASE.

and I just realized I start every comment with oh my god LOL

oH MY GOD
ASDHFCKLAJSDHCJKLAHSDKLJF
THAT CHAPTER
I can't even type right
I'm having so many spelling errors right now oh my god
dude
that was like
asdklfjcahsldkjf
perfection
I don't think that chapter could be any more flawless, like.
THAT WAS JUST THE ICING ON THE CAKE, MAN.
it explained everything, and I love it.
please update soon c: