Cruel - Comments

I'll start out with the layout. The background color is pretty. And the banner is fabulous. The girl you used kind of reminds me of an old friend of mine.

Onto the story. It's very well written, I didn't notice any huge errors, or really any at all. It all flows together well.

I like the idea you have going on with this. I've read quite a few HP fics on here, but none quite like this. I like how you're using original characters and still throwing in a few familiar ones. JK Rowling didn't talk about the life of snatchers, but I think you're doing a great job at writing it.

Just wondering, are you planning on incorporating something to do with Harry in this? I think it would be cool if you didn't. Just kept them running in different circles.

You're doing a great job so far. I think I'll subscribe to this, to see what you do with the rest of the story. I only read this for a swap, but I'm glad that I did. :)

I'll begin with the layout, and let me just tell you how much I really love it. It's simple, yet it it goes with the story somehow. It just has that feel to it, with the dark, earthy tones. It's well done, and I love the banner as well. I was assuming the entire time that the girl was Amelia. She's really pretty, and I loved the outfit you put together on polyvore for her on the first chapter.

Lately I've gotten into the Harry Potter series, so when I began reading this and realized that this was sorta a spin off of the stories, with the spells and the Hogwarts students being "snatched", I really took a liking to it. It was like, a second first impression to me, and it was well made. Your writing is very descriptive also. From what I read, I can tell that Amelia is very hard headed, stubborn and somewhat arrogant, but I like that. It isn't typical, most characters (including mine) are always the outgoing, nicey-nicey type, the good kids, whereas Amelia is clearly a rebel.

Loooooved this. I really like your style of writing, and the idea of this story is intriguing.

This seems like a fun idea actually. I really like the idea of going from the "bad guys" points of view. I also really like how you are developing them all. Amelie seems like she is pretty tough even if she is an arrogant little brat. I kind of like her actually. I think that you are doing pretty good with this idea. I think I will have to sub just because I am curious to see what you do next with it all.

I like the banner. It's so pretty and it really reaches out and grabys my attention. <3 Normally I'm not one for dark layouts but you did this one incredibly nicely. So incredibly nicely that I can't help but love it, in fact. (:

I like how you opened it with those quotes, but also felt a little regret that there was no inkling to what was inside the story. However, I'm sure it'll be amazing because, hello!!! You're the one writing it and you're amazing. <33

Prolouge

There was a lot of feeling in so few lines. Already I'm pulled in, wondering what in the world is going on, what happened and how it's going to be fixed, or if there is even a problem to begin with.

One line I liked imparticular was the ending line because I'm one of those people who do not believe in regret. I liked the fact that I could relate even though I get the incredibly strong feeling that this might be some kind of fantasy/ super natural fiction.

Chapter One

One thing I didn't like about reading this was how small the paragraphs were. It's like every other sentence had me scrolling down. It was nice how broken up they were reading wise, but otherwise it was kind of awkward and clunky. ):

Another thing I found off was how you never had her actually saying the words. Like, they weren't in speech quotations or anything. It got a little repeative, no matter how awesome spells are.

Now, before I begin the fun part of the comment, I must admit I'm not the biggest HP fan in the world. In fact, the only reason I even knew this story was a Harry Potter fan fiction was the mentioning of the school - Hogwarts, aha. I'm pretty dense, aha. Anyways, this isn't about me, it's about you. (;

I really, really adorded the chapter. The idea of someone actually rounding up the runaways - I can't believe people runaway from Hogwarts, lol! - is unique to me. I like it. (:

I really, really adore your detail. I don't know if I mentioned it earlier or not, but I'm mentioing it now, hehe. It really flows and their is enough to keep me hooked without smothering me. It's smooth like peanut butter, tehee. And your word choice? Gracious!!! (: Lovely.

Another thing I liked is how you gave us a name almost right off the bat. You didn't put us through misery trying to figure it out. It's like as soon as you started out the story, you gave us some kind of sure footing and I, as a reader, appreciate it. :)

This is a really, really amazing story and I believe you've done an amazing job so far. <3 It's an easy read and it's something I'd love to curl up with each and every lazy Sunday of my life, tehee. Amazing job so far and I'll surely be catching up on the rest. <33 (:

P.S. sunsetwing changed her name to Flyer, aha. You still have her listed as the before name. But anyways, this is to her: You're doing an amazing job as a beta. I didn't see one grammar mistake, missy. Amazing job for helping an amazing story neat and tidy. :)

Firstly, I love the layout for this. I realise the banner was made by someone else, but I think you both deserve credit. There's nothing like a polished look to give me a good feeling about reading something- it really looks like you've put effort in.

The prologue is intriguing. I'm not sure if I would have given a little bit more information away, but it works well enough as a hook. The first chapter deals straight-up with clarification, which is a relief, and offsets this initial vagueness.

You write fluently, and by the end of the first chapter, you have a plot working. Overall, I think this is a good piece, and I'm sure it will continue as such.

I really do enjoy your take on this. You are certainly making it your own and not just another HP fan fic. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE HP but I also love when someone can use the background of all those stories and movies, and then create something they can call their own with a few helpful guidelines along the way :) This story has definitely reeled me in, and I love Amelia's character. We dont know anything about her background but that is what makes her soooooo mysterious and I love that. Definitely keep up the great work and I am certainly looking forward to MORE! :)

Ahhhh, this is super good so far! I've never read a Harry Potter fanfiction quite like this one. I'm excited to see what happens next, you've definitely got yourself another subscriber.
Update soon. :D

I rememeber this story :D
I'm excited for chapter two!
I like the word eerily so much, x) and you used it really well here
she's just off to scare some helpless person xD
okay, Amelia is pretty damn harsh,
but I guess that's kind of just what she does..
did you make up these spell names? or did you look them up somehow?
either way , that makes you dedicated to your story very much so,
and I find that awesome!
this chapter made me much more interesteded in Amelia
ahh I love how she hates Umbridge! that woman is a bitch
I loved this chapter! amazing job so far <3

freaking love tihs layout and banner so much <3!
I remember you talking on the journals about this-
this is such a good idea, good creativeness haha ;)
well they are defenitly doing something bad,
becuase she's talking about gettng caught
I like this prologue a lot. It gave a good hook for sure
it keeps you wondering exactlly what is going to happen
and I think I like the main character already <3 :)
great job so far <3 :D

While I have somewhat caught up on Harry Potter, so I know somewhat background information, I haven't seen the latest movie and the books I've never read, so I hope I'm not too lost, aha.

The prologue definitely grabbed me in, the whole foreboding feel to it with the forbidden love is totally cool. It's something, to me, that never gets old. And I like how she doesn't regret it, even thought is subtle I think it tells a lot about her character.

Which, in the next chapter, I'm so totally loving. She's pretty kick-ass and I adore chick characters like that. That're all "bitch please, I will shoot you" or... erm, I guess curse you? Aha, but yeah. The way that she tease/mocks them, seriously. I love sadistic sort of characters that play around with people like they're nothing, that sort of God-type-complex, and while it's not severe, even the slight bits of it are totally making love this story.

If anything, while this is a fanfic, it's always nice to have those sort of background details in for people that haven't seen Harry Potter. I like reading fanfics where you don't really need to know the characters to know what's going on, and I'm not sure if you were just putting an action scene to draw us in and then explaining afterward, but I think it would be good to sprinkle some info in there here and there. Like, what's a searcher? Y'know?

Other than that, I'm so totally subscribing because this is kick-ass.
:D

I really love this idea, the concept is really interesting and good God - an amazing Harry Potter fic. It's been far too long!

I adore your writing style, so simple but it conveys everything it needs to. I love the sinister air Amelia carries. Its all so nicely done. I love the layout too, very simple but comfortable and nice to read from. The colour scheme is really nice. Yeah, is good. *nods*

I think a read over would fix the few little niggly bits that get to me but overall I absolutely adore this - I'm subbing. :)

I love this idea; it's a unique direction in the HP fanfic world. I've never seen a snatcher story!
Your description is quite good, and I like the dialogue/characterization; Amelia seems like an intriguing women.
As bella; mentioned, you've got some interesting comma moments. They don't mess with the flow all too much, but it'd read better if they were fixed.
Cute layout...and overall, nice job!

I love me some HP fan fic it was a bit dragged out during the action scenes that stumped up the fluidity but over all I enjoy this I was hoping for some longer chapters but I'll sub because I'm so curious. i also like the banner it's a perfect fit.

First of all, the layout is adoreeeeeeeeeeee!
Then, you have a bit of a missuse of comma's, either using too many or you've put them in the wrong places, but apart from that the sentences mostly run smoothly. You repeat the same phrases more than once in a place or two, and it takes away from the flow, but not too much. Like, it doesn't destroy the mood, it just makes me do a double take because I'm a grammar freak. XD

They had probably run from Hogwarts, since they looked to young enough, they were probably in their sixth or seventh year.
- I'm... not sure. The word "to" seems to be completely missplaced?

Both their eyes were staring at her, but she didn’t even flinch at their unnerving stares.
- An example of using the same word/phrase. If it's been established that they stared at her, that they're staring is unnecessary to state again.

And the next sentence: ...and immediately after ropes twirled around both of them, tying both of them.
- Yes, both of them, got it. :P

Also, whenever you follow dialogue with he/she/they/etc said/shouted/screamed/asked/whispered/and so the sentence doesn't come to a full stop, so you don't need to capitalize the following word.

“Now.” She said, is not how it should look. It should be:
“Now,” she said...

Same goes for questionmarks and exclamationmarks:

“If you want to live, you’re going to tell me the truth, alright?” She said,
- The "s" shouldn't be capitalized. And, to be fair, if there's a questionmark she doesn't say it, she's asking it. ;)

The whole "said" issue is something you do through-out as well. And, they don't need to "say" everything. It'd be nice with some variation, but that's just me.

Overall, the story seems interesting and like I said the layout is lovely. There are a few grammarmistakes but other than that I liked it. :)

I love Amelia's character.

She's fierce and independent and not at all what I expected.

I must admit, the fact that she was a snatcher surprised me.

Anyways, you wrote this really well and it seemed realistic enough. Even Umbridge was done well... and she's Umbridge, so she's always terrible no matter what.

Nice job!

Summary– I love the banner and layout. The banner is stunning and the layout has nice, neutral colours that don’t make my eyes hurt >.<
I also love the quote you used :)

Prologue – short, but sweet. Your writing style is almost hypnotic and extremely compelling. You had me clicking on to the next chapter in anticipation.

Chapter One–I love the character name ‘Amelia’ and how you mentioned the spell in a normal sentence without it sounding awkward. Very good descriptions – I could just see that tent in my head! :)

I like the dialogue very much, it got me really interested in Amelia’s character, especially this line.

Well, I’ll tell you something. Courage doesn’t take you far sweeties

OH, SNAP! :D

Criticism– it’s really hard to criticise anything, really. The one thing I would suggest is maybe links to a page that explains the spells for people that haven’t read/watched Harry Potter. This story could honestly stand on its own, I think 

Excellent :D

I love that song. Just sayin'.

Anyways, I liked the layout. The colors really made me think of that woodsy scene. It was nice. :)

The way you write is really interesting in a good way - it's not the best I've read but something about it sticks out to me. I can't put a finger on it, but it's got something going for it.

The summary doesn't tell us much, but it does intrigue us. It's a nice set up for the rest of the story, be it five or five hundred chapters. (Will Mibba even let you have that many?)

Good job; I might not be reading (Scabior creeps me out a bit, to be quite honest) but I will check back in to see how you take this. :)

Huh. This is interesting; the prologue didn't tell me much, but it definitely left me intriguied. Loved the quote set up in the intro, and the banner and layout are gorgeous. Decent writing style, too; got some nice things going on there.
Overall, good job!

(:
Your layout is really nice, I honestly really loved your summary, it just, it was a great start.
I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors, and your flow was pretty nice.

I noticed you used a lot of conjunctions to start your sentences, you also said that this was a fanfiction, and honestly that made me cringe.

But this was really interesting, it looks great, I think I'm going to stick around for the next update.
This was well-written, and I can't think of anything else to say, but I'm so happy this is a romance.
Good job(:

This is very intriguing, I'd like to know more between the two characters.
I feel that the prologue was a bit too short but I did like the way you started this off as it leaves the reader wanting to know more. The guy in the banner is from the Harry Potter film, so I'm assuming this will feature him, I'd like to see how you go through this, and I really think I will enjoy it now that I'm curious to know what will happen next :)