The Adventure of Orinis - Comments

You don't see too many stories about things like centaurs. ( At least I haven't come across any.)
I like the way you were able to come up with suchfantastic names, and yet they fit well.
I'm a big fantasy reader, and this concept and storyline really held my attention.
Keep it up =)
I'll be looking for the updates on this.

i must admit that I really don't like this layout
I suggest putting some more colors in it or a design in the background
Orinis is an odd name, but I do like it a bit :)
all of them have really odd names haha, just an observation
but i like the fact s/he enjoys his/her aunt
most stories show hatred or dislike or annoyance towards their family
oh a fantasy (dragons and elfs) and this is longer back, right?
because village was mentioned is why I ask :)
i have a feeling Orinis is a boy and that he will be a warrior - type :)
how old is he supposed to be? already leaving home and such.
i love just before the sunrise, the sky is so pretty (random fact)
i like how elf's are like regular people, accepted
thats a good idea that I don't see in most stories
the ending was a good idea, him leaving - good hook
but i think the whole first chapter just moved on a little fast, you know?
but overall, not bad, pretty good actually :)

First of all, I think I'd like the layout better if it wasn't so.. green. xD Seriously, don't think much on that comment because I don't like green very much. Totally just my opinion. As far as the summary, you spelled "contest" incorrectly. Other than that, thank you for explaining who Orinis was, because I wasn't sure if it was a plae or a person (:

Onto the chapters..

Chapter 1:
First of all, I love the names: Orinis, Myraka, Luara, Sliora, Lewirand, Iro, Mirikus, and Sapphire. They're really original and fantasy-like name, which go well with the story. Also, I find myself really interested in stories like this, with a character on a quest and different beings. (I think that's because I'm a video-game junkie xDDD) But anyway, this really caught my interest:)

Chapter 2:
:O What a twist!! Mirikus murdered Orinis in the past/past life! :O Was Mirikus evil, or was Orinis?!? Soo many questions... The only the I have to say is, I'm not too fond of long time skips but in a sense that one was probably necessary.

There was (I think) no mistakes that I could find while reading, which is greatly appreciated:) Good luck on the contest!!!! :D

okay here's the real thing:

Chapter 1: Great detail. I get the feeling just from this chapter it will be a great adventure

Chapter 2: I feel bad for them getting stared at :( I'm not quite sure what a Mage or a Pyron is though. Maybe you could have a glossary of the creatures? Just a thought. The ending paragraph was fantastic

Chapter 3: The evil presence is creepy; I hope Orinis is able to overcome those feelings. And aww I hope he finds his friends!

Chapter 4: Yay they found each other! But why is there always an evil old woman?! :O lol. I'm just glad Mirikus didn't actually kill Orinis.

Very good story and quite suspenseful. Keep it up :)

Wow. This is awesome :D

The layout: I like these layouts, the monochromatic layouts that aren't too bright to hurt your eyes as well as readable - nice job, hon

The characters: I love how you introduced everyone, and centaurs = my new favorite mythical creatures :D (they beat out unicorns now). Honestly, your characters are excellent, and the part about them having a past life - I've never read anything where someone's actually used past lives as anything but a simple comment or phrase, and I must say you use it well :D

The plot: from the very beginning, I was drawn into the story. The seeress (sp?) with a new prophecy for Orinis was an excellent way to introduce the journey, and it's good to see some classic elements of fantasy being used.

I can't wait to read more, darling. Excellent job

okay I only got to chapter 2 :( because I'm leaving for the movies in a few minutes...
BUUUUUT.....I promise I'll read the rest when I get back home
anyway, so far the story is really good!
When I read that last line about how he had murdered him in a previous life I got the shivers :D lol
and the names are awesome! I don't know how you came up with them, but I think they fit the characters very well
so I gotta go, but I promise I'll finish commenting later tonight!

This is well written. I love centaurs. So. <3 I'm subbing! :)

Hi, I'm another judge for ayanasioux's Welcome to the World of Fantasy contest. She asked me to comment on the grammar side of things. From the two chapters so far, your grammar is fine.

Just some things to take into account:
* You need to double-space between paragraphs and dialogue. Whenever a new character begins to speak, the dialogue should be on a separate line.
* I noticed some run-on sentences that could be separated into two.

Other than that, it's fine. I like the feel of the story so far, and the revelation at the end of chapter two is interesting. It's a definite cliff-hanger.

The green color you chose for the layout is bright, but not bright enough to strain my eyes. It looks really nice.

I love the mystical feel of the story. I haven't taken much time to actually go and read a story with a more fantasy element to it but I'm glad you comment swapped for this. So far, it seems like it's going to unfold into something wonderful and I see lots of potential. I'm excited to see where you take this and how the story ends. Good job so far. <3