February 13th, 2011 at 05:18am
Just a quick thing about chapter one:
It's really good, but I think the flashback should be italicized or broken apart from the rest of the chapter more or in a different spot. It was a bit awkward where it is currently.
First off, I'm not a huge fan of the speed/pacing. While you did drop us in right on the action, I feel like we, the readers, are racing ahead without any information, while the characters who know everything are simply holding out on us. I think there should be maybe some more info on at least Artillicus closer to the beginning. Is it just a giant city? Is there land around it, or is the entire "kingdom," like I asked, a city, but with walls around it? Everything's happening just... too fast. I know you want to get going with the plot, but don't forget to take a little time to develop everything else at least a little before you really get going.
Second thing:
I think the flashback with Dane could be not only all in one place, but seperate from the rest of the chapters and in a more logical place. Maybe right after the first chapter would be a better place for all of it, or somewhere else. They were just... awkward.
Third thing:
Characters. I know you have big plans for them all, but again, I think they're being developed and changed too fast. Especially with Dane and Kaleb. Just... things are happening too fast. Don't reviel everything at once. Spread it out. Make it last.
Finally:
Check your chapter before you publish it. I learned this the hard way. Always double check for grammar and spelling, and read through to make sure everything makes sense. There were a few times where I knew what you meant, but the way you worded the sentance made it seem like you were implying something rediculous. That's really the only way I can describe it.
Okay, I think I've gotten my complaining out of my system xD Now to things I like!
I like that Melissa can be stubborn and stay like that. Most the time, if a character has a stubborn trait, the author will drop that trait the minute it's convenient. So good job with that.
I really like the country names xD That made my day, they were all really awesome.
I like how there are differences in the technology. Like, there are bombs, but then they have to get around on horses. It's a really interesting tidbit and I hope you elaborate more on it.
Even though the plot moves fast, I like it and I think it really has a lot of potential to be completely amazing :D