February 13th, 2011 at 03:59am
Anyways, I'm seeing some really good things and some things that need to be fixed.
First off for fixing would be some minor punctuation. It's just little things like commas where periods should go and the like, mostly after dialoge. And there was a "where" instead of a "wear" somewhere near the end. [/grammarnazi]
Second is Jen's eyes are hazel, not green. As you can see, details bother me
Now something I really like: Fred and George. Specificly, how Jen reacts to them. At this point, you're completely correct, they're not as close, so she would obviously have some problems telling them apart. Bravo on that :D
But the same thing needs to apply to Harry and Jen's relationship. Remember, they've only lived together for... a total of 3 years, two of which were when they were wee little tykes. So they're defiantely not going to be as close as say, in ATSOHP.
Overall, I thought everyone was characterized pretty well. There were a few lines I personally would change, but I think you've defiantely got a very strong base to build off of, which is really, really important. Swear to holy Dumbledore, characterization is like, the hardest thing to do xD
I definatly think you have a great start :]
I liked the interactions. Those were done very nicely, and I think you've gotten the main feel for their relationship. You had Dobby spot on.
Mostly all I saw wrong with this chapter was there were some names that weren't capitalized and there was a you're instead of a your, but other than that, the grammar was fine.
Oh, just a thought, but you might want to put a link to ATSOHP in your summary so people don't get confused or report you for plagarism. That would be bad D: