The Black Sheep - Comments

this made me cry it was so amaizing and breathtaking and beautiful thank you for writing it thats really all i can say

This is meant to be read rushed. And by rushed, I don't mean hurry up so it's done. I mean read it as fast as you can because you need to know everything will be okay. I love how much narrative there was and then it went into so much dialogue. I used to hate dialogue-heavy bits in the middle, but they've grown on me so much.

I really just get the sense that Brendon is a little boy who is scared and wants to help and hopes he's doing the right thing, but isn't sure he is. I get the feeling that he viewed Ryan as this perfect sort of idol and to see Ryan broken is something he had never fathomed.

Ryan is just this vulnerable doll who tries so hard and never wants to break. Doesn't even view death as breaking, just getting on with it.

I love how the gay/coming out thing wasn't overplayed. And I love how Spencer confided in Brendon. It's just a small glimpse of backstory, but it shows that they love Ryan and talk about him and worry and care.

So absolutely love this. The layout definitely sets the mood of the darkness within the story. It just pulled me in. You have definitely captured the reader. With some aspects, not the whole I am going to jump off a building to kill myself aspect, but other aspects of life in general I think alot of people can realte. I know I can. I am the one who tries to make everyone happy, but in the end, I know I have my friends and my gf to help me, and I get to decide what is right for me, so I could relate to having a weight on his shoulders that needed to be lifted. Amazing job! :)

Omg the start of this story just got my heart racing
i thought he was going to jump =O
but I am glad it was a happy ending, I was thinking through out it, "dont do it idiot" lol
I love this, its usual, i think a little more description could do no harm but its a incredible piece of writing...
x

The layout was hard to read, but it wasn't terrible. ;)

I loved your character. I felt his pain. You write very, very well.

And I like the happy ending.

I had to switch to the default layout because the original, though I felt it set a nice tone, was too dark. It kind of troubled eyes to focus.

So, you had me crying, aha. Legit, full on sobbing. I felt so bad for him in the beginning. But, I'm glad he got some help.<3 No one deserves all that burden and hurt placed upon them. Not a single soul.

I'm really, really glad this had a happy ending because I don't think I could've taken a sad one.<33

You're a really talented writer. :)
I may just have to read more of your stories, eh?

I think the dark layout really sets an impression, but there wasn't enough contrast I think. And the pure solid blocks bored me a bit, I'll admit.

In general though, I thought this was an amazing one shot. You've touched on subject I really think a person would be experiance when in such a comprimising situation. Even though not as extreme, there are little things you mention that a person can relate to- that feeling like you're not good enough. It makes him seem a little more tangible because while reading you're thinking to yourself "yeah, I've been through that."

And even though you just dabble in the subject, I think my favourite part was when you talked about how he felt as if there were no God, because he prayed and nothing happened. That was my favourite part, just... because it really makes you question things, everything, when you're in such a dark place.

In general his thoughts were so... real.

The ending was sort of adorable and happy and I really was glad that Brendon talked him out of it. It's sad to think that, most often, that's not the case and there isn't anyone to talk to. I'm glad that he was alright in the end, though. If anything, I just didn't like how in the end it seems as if though he's totally alright. He's depressed- not all those feelings are going to vanish, right? But other than that, it's great! :D

I didn't mind the layout so much. I liked that it was dark, in a way it actually fit the story but maybe make the font a brighter color because others may have trouble reading it.

When I first read the tittle of the story I made assumptions as to how it would be. Considering the term black sheep is used mostly to describe those who people would otherwise say are 'delinquents'. As I read though it though it took a different turn that I wasn't expecting. Which is a good thing I may add.

I liked the beginning. In a way it told us everything we needed to know about the main character but at the same time keeping things from us. You didn't go into detail about the characters appearence or really where he was at. Just that he was male and was on a rooftop due to things that he is going through. The emotions were definitely there and you described them perfectly. You left us a lot to our imagination.

One thing though

"How could Brendon possibly know what he wanted? He had no idea what he was talking about. He could not deal with this right now. He could not deal with anymore fighting. He was so tired of fighting. He just wanted it to be over.”You don’t know anything!”

“Please Ryan,” he begged and then he was there. He cursed the elevator for being broken today of all days and raced up the stairs as fast as his legs would take him. He didn’t think he ever ran so fast in his life. His muscles ached and protested and his lungs yelled for air but he ignored them. All he cared about at that moment was saving Ryan."

At this part, I got a little confused with the transition to point of views. So maybe just make that a little clearer or to just focus on one point of view.

In all. I enjoyed this story a lot. In a way I kinda think Ryan should have gone through with the suicide but I did enjoy the ending that you gave it. It was really good :)

The first thing I would like to say that the layout is a little too dark. I really like the blue background color, but I don't really like the dark purple content color against the black. It makes the story harder to read when the content color and background aren't contrasting colors, like black and white. I would suggest you change the content color to something brighter, like white. It would make the story easier to read and won't hurt anyone's eyes.

I really liked the first paragraph. I adored the repetition of he; it was used in the beginning of almost every sentence. I think it really added to the effect of the fact that he was a black sheep. You basically explain why he is what he is and how he feels about it. I also like how you stated his opinion about religion. I don't really see a lot of stories where anything religious is even mentioned. It was rather surprising that you added it to the story, but I think it made me understand the character more and what he believes.

Something I really loved about this short story/ one-shot was how the beginning and the ending are complete opposites. In the beginning, it talks about how Ryan isn't good enough and how he tries to be perfect. And then the ending is how he is finally accepting that he doesn't have to be what everyone wants him to be. I just love it. I was amazed at it because it was so well done.

The emotion within this was fantastic. You put so much emotion into the descriptions and especially the dialogue between Ryan and Brendon. I could almost feel Ryan's pain as he spoke to Brendon. I admire you for adding so much emotion; you weaved it into the story perfectly.

Overall, this one-shot was wonderful. I really liked everything about it. I can't really see anything that you could change because I think it is perfect the way it is. I hope you do well in the contest!