The Monster Within - Comments

OH and another thing. I have a suggestion. I didn't really like the second chapter, power wise and continuance from the great first chapter...I didn't like it. Unless you LOVE it, I suggest you re-do it try to re-think and maybe think of a different plot line? Be original.

One thing I think you need to work off of is in the first chapter, the theme was mostly dark and mysterious. She is being accused of MURDER. That's a BIG friggin' deal. Also her mother is calling her a demon and all these hateful things. Normal people keep themselves in check, even my mother kisses me on the cheek and tells me she loves me when people are around but when we are at home all hell wreaks lose. But there has to be a REASON why her mother hates her this much, not just normal teen stuff. She had to have DONE something. And she has 2 choices. One, tell people what she did. Two, Hide it, be avoidant, maybe a little scared, maybe even traumatized, but she can't tell anyone because she's afraid of what may happen.

If you are going to bring in the excellent start in a police station, her being charged for murder, you can't just throw that away as a NOTHING thing, especially when you specified her crime. If you said...Oh I'm in jail..AGAIN. Then that's a character theme, just showing "this is a bad guy" but you did specifics and you had an ideal for a plot starter.

So I say you should work off of that, keep this story dark, mysterious, inert, and confusing. Keep it all in Maggie's head...give us details. Think think think and DON'T rush!

You had some errors in the next chapter. I found some grammar tidbits in several places though I'm not going to list them out unless you want me to. Just simple little things, but it was annoying. You also were a BIT cliche. ? They are in a band...the guy...Alex is a total perfect example of a skater? Hmmm well just a little writer's tip: a problem most writer's have, including me is perfectionist issues. Every writer wants their character perfect. Now some may argue nooo she falls all the time and she blushes and she's a dork in front of her crush. Well that would be the PERFECT example of the "Bella" so to speak main character, the clumsy, shy, virginal girl.

Feel free to make your characters imperfect. Like maybe Alex really WANTS to be a skater, but he wasn't born looking like a skater. Maybe he wants to be a skater because his brother skated all his life and told him he would never be one, he didn't have the "guts" or the "looks" or whatever. Have backstories. If you just make characters BAM CLICK your "this" sterotype it cuts of the originality and the flow of the story just saying, oh this is exactly what this person is. Just like with any other sterotype, cheerleaders, goths. Unless its a MINOR character, go into detail, have that backstory and a reason. Because real people put themselves in these groups for a reason as you'll see in any High School.

Ughh another thing. The dialogue, just some minor editing. It was a bit cliche tough. "Why do I always have to bail you out" "Mom has been a thorn in our side." And cliche ideals "crappy band gets a chance at a grand?" sooo make sure not to make it too cliche, and just try to create some originality with the characters. That's why backstories, even for minor characters are important. Because then you feel like you KNOW them and you KNOW what they are going to say, they are not just little pieces who say whatever you want. Get the picture? Kind of?

I'm sorry if this is a little too much blab, when I explain things I tend to use too many words to try to get to my point.

-Grammar fixes
-back stories
-dialogue
-NO cliches

Got it?

First off I would like to say that I am a co-judge for the Darker than Disney contest and I write this...a 9 out of of 10.

I loved this, I mean...I really enjoyed it. This story gives me complete inspiration here, my favorite part was just the snide power Maggie had when her mom was yelling at her, how she just brushed it off as she screamed...that power just made me laugh as well as want to cry. Interesting, dark, scary, and most of all this story has potential. Please, if you don't go on with it I will find some way to tell you what to do next, but you must continue. I want to here more of this. And just between you and me and everyone who reads this comment board this is the first story I have read and judged that I have subscribed to. :D

Good Luck!

Plot: The begining was an overused one, but it fits with the story showing how Maggie is aggitated by the clock because she is one of the, stand outside the line people, she likes to look and what she sees doesn't always please her. Maybe she is the devil, or maybe she's just a little different. You don't know yet, which is why this story has complete potential. When Maggie was called that "upset woman" mother...I was blown away, I started laughing but I also felt sad for poor maggie and her mom. Excellent and mysterious

Description: You use a teen language with Maggie, her dress, and her attitude but you step it up a notch making it more mature at the same time. I really enjoyed the description you have here, the raw emotional power I love to describe as a foggy window. Its like the main character is one water droplet, the only clear thing and as she/he sees each little element around him, he identifies it...pulls it out of the fog and puts it back until the fog is completely wiped away with a turn of events. It keeps it slow, and tense like a thriller with the words you use.

Character Development: I love Maggie, she is so realistic and so much like any teenager while being completely deadly. I understand her as much as I can, but I think she didn't do it...her mom may be religious...and maybe Maggie is misunderstood in some way that makes people think she is evil. Or maybe you could go another way and really make her a bi-polar monster (not my choice) but hey? Also Maggie's mother was a very sterotypical freak out mom (I have one myself) and sadly I know exactly how Maggie feels being called a monster, inhuman, cruel, and whatever else by your own mother. Usually if you have a mother who loves you it hurts, it hurts a lot. But if your used to it...you build the skill to be able to brush it off and not care and you know its not true. That's why I think Maggie is inncocent.

Layout: something to do about the layout I LOVE myself red on black, but it is difficult to read at times. Its better if you make the background black and then the story...maybe grey? Then its much easier to read, while keeping it dark...