Slur - Comments

I like the idea for this story. It's very novel- I can honestly say that I've never read anything like it. Though, I have been considering writing something like this for a long time. I'm just impressed that you've got the guts to do something like this, addressing such a major issue in today's society.

But, despite how much I enjoy the plot, I must say you're sentence structure and grammar is a MESS. Not that you're dumb or anything, but it seems as though you don't proof read and edit. The first two chapters were such a mess, I dared not to even TRY to state my opinion. I recommend you go back and put breaks in the paragraphs and correct some things. I have noticed the improvement in chapters three and four- but some of the paragraphs run together and need to be separated. But they're a lot better than the beginning two chapters.

In chapter three:

I understand what you’re trying to do, you’re trying to break the stereotype and show that blacks are just as intelligent, but when Troy’s sister called him a ‘brute’ it made the entire paragraph awkward. Just because they’re black AND smart, it doesn’t mean they’re going to use terminology from a previous century.

Combust means to burst into flames or to be consumed by fire, so when you said spontaniously combust into flames it was redundant.

Chapter four: The wording is awkward. For example: ‘nor’. This is a very modern story working with a very modern plot. Kids today rarely use such words.

‘Paser-byer’ Isn’t a word. It’s passer-by.

…showing his huge muscles, tattoo, and unsightly body hair, and loose blue jeans omit the first and.

He didn’t really mind them and said nothing when people ridiculed them.That didn’t exactly make sense; perhaps it would be better if you replaced ‘and’ with ‘but’.

I flipped my bangs out of my hair I’m assuming you meant ‘I flipped my bangs out of my face’?

…camel-colored cargos I don’t know if this is a mistake or if it was intentional. For some reason I’m assuming you meant caramel, but I might be wrong. It made me LOL nonetheless. Because camel is such a random animal.

The over use of ‘pops’ annoyed me. I feel as though it should be capitalized, though it’s not a rule. But you’re referring to a person, so perhaps it IS a rule. I’m not sure. ‘Pops’ looks better and seems more grammatically correct.

and then began to lightly job my way towards the stone steps -cough- JOG.

“Gonna lock me us up and put us in jail? Huh? Huh?”Choose which one you’d like to use. ‘Me’ or ‘Us’. Can’t have both.

…before leaving his house or trailer park or ditch or where ever he lived. This was worded awkwardly. The profuse amount of ‘or’s bothered me.

Damn; I was getting later and later nowadays. I appreciate how you’re trying to use the semicolon; it gives writing depth and texture. But you used it incorrectly. A semicolon is used between closely related independent clauses not conjoined with a coordinating conjunction. Examples: "I went to the basketball court; I was told it was closed for cleaning."

"I told Ben he's running for the hills; I wonder if he knew I was joking."

"Nothing is true; everything is permitted."

"A man chooses; a slave obeys."

…walking wide-legged so his jeans wouldn’t inch down anymore than it already was. Than THEY. Pants are plural. So, it would be ‘so his jeans wouldn’t inch down any more than they already were.’.

He motioned towards a lanky freshman, whom was stuck… Who. Not whom. Who.

Anyhow, I sincerely hope you correct your story. I enjoy it far too much to hate it. As I said, I do like it. I enjoy the plot and the storyline- I just wish you'd put a bit more effort into the presentation. I know you're eager to post something, I too fall victim to that, but remember to edit and proof read. People don't like reading things that they have to correct in their head in order to understand- and i had to do that a LOT. I feel as though your story would be MUCH more popular if you'd just fix some things.

Anyway, I hope you don't take my help as offensive. I only take the time to comment this long on a story i'm REALLY, REALLY interested in.

I can't wait for an update :)

I love this story.Its really unique xD Update soon please!

I love this idea. It's pretty much never done, which is why I love this story so much.
But I think you said the white kid's name that hangs out with Troy is Chester in chapter three and Charles in chapter four.

wow...ive been wanting to do a story with this same plot line for quite some time but i never got around to it...glad someone did ^ ^
i love this so far and can't wait for more! 8)

I like where this story is going
It's interesting so far
Update Soon! ♥

It looks interesting.
Can't wait to see more.

I like the IDEA... the execution, not so much . I mean nobody loves racial slurs and white supremacy . It would be MUCH better without those scattered throughout . It IS 2011, after all . But I like the idea of it =]