Problems - Comments

A very quick chapter but hey it works. You were able to describe Roni well by explaining how she is more of a relax kind of character and not the party type. I can see that this is going to be a mystery series. Interesting choice to talk about how you will tell the story from different POV. That can be tricky and messy if there is too many characters

Well comment swap brought me here, and I actually appreciate that it did. So far, I have enjoyed this story. I think it would be better told only from Lexi's perspective, mostly because that's who you seem more interested in. I think you should elaborate more on her home life and relationship with Kobe and how the relationship started. But all in all, it's a great story and I hope you continue working on it, as I will read on.

-comment swap-

I do like your layout, but I cannot read your writing one bit. I had to highlight the text just so I could read it. I love the banner and greens, but I think you should change your text to a more readable color such as back, i think that'd help a lot !

I like how realistic this story is. So many movies and stories portray teenagers as these wild, party craving beings when in reality we like that stuff, but most of the time we like watching TV and being on the internet more than anything, and that's portrayed really well here through her :).

I'm also more interested to see the family dynamic that's going on in this story. I know its poor from what you've said so far, but it definitely isn't shown completely; so im excited for that. I definitely like the first chapter and it gets the reader intrigued on the story, so good job for that!

On the other hand, chapter two's layout is really awkward. Instead of splitting up dialogue and paragraphs like the first chapter did, it all came together as one giant text and it seems a bit odd to me. Maybe try giving a space in between each person speaking so it doesn't look like a big jumble of writing all in one. Just a suggestion though.

You two certainly know how to pack in the drama and I like that. Every corner you find a new surprise waiting for the family and I love that; it keeps the reader on their toes. The whole Kobe and Lexi romance thing? Genius.

The only thing I wasn't a big fan of is that each character is constantly "oh, poor me" or "my life is terrible." The two are throwing a pity party instead of just living their lives. I think you should add more of the fun things about them or have them do more exciting things to get their minds off the bad things.

Overall, this story has endless potential that I know you tow can achieve by fixing a few things :). Good luck; i know you'll do great!

Comment swap bought me here. First of all please change the colour of the writing it is almost impossible to read. I now have a headache from reading it. However i did like it, not a story i'd have normally have read. It's a little to dramatized for me. The plot seems good. The characters could use a bit more of a development.

First off, I was brought here by comment swap. And first of all it seems like a very interesting story. Something that I would love to read. But I cant seem to get past the layout and the colors. It gives me a headache. I don't want to have to highlight everything in order to read it.

I really like this, it's so well written. The idea behind it seems interesting too. It's a rewrite you say? I haven't read the original, but this one seems like it's going to be a good one. I really like how real Roni seems, I feel like she'd be someone I would meet on the street. Also, I love the layout!

I like this story so far! I like Roni, she seems like a very realistic character. Her thought-processing seems to be well thought out and on cue; I know I would think the same thing if I liked Kobe. He seems interesting too, what with being in a band and all. I want to meet Lexi too! I am definitely intrigued as to why she was shipped of to Germany; I'm pretty sure she did something pretty insane to be sent to Europe. Haha. Also, ughhh, I need to know her problems! Anyway, good job on the first chapter! Your writing is precise; the only thing I have to complaint about (sort of) is that the writing sort of skipped around a lot. It went from one thing to another without much transition. Other than that, great job! (:

Hello there. :) Well let's get started, shall we? I was brought here from comment swap. You have to change the layout, it hurts the eyes. I had to change it to custom layout to read it. At least change the letters' color to black. Also I have to agree with the two comments below. Mystery is nice but not so much. You have to explain things too so we can understand. Keep on writing and get better at it like all of us. That's all. XD

Well there is really not much to say about this given the shortness and content. This chapter left me with a few questions though.

-What did Lexi do that was so terrible that she got sent away to Germany? (I'm assuming it will be answered in her point of view)

-Who would actually send their child to Germany? (To me it just seems a little far fetched.)

-Why is Roni's 'parents' not around often? (That just screams bad parenting.) So why would they send their child off to Germany? (To not have to deal with her?)

The last paragraph was a nice way of making sure you keep the readers interested. I'm just dying to know what happened between them.

I just want to say, that there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. The world was made this big and vast for everyone to find someone, and the precious love in family just shouldn't be twisted.
I know I sound like a hater, like I don't like difference, but I really speak from my heart. Families are bonds that are beautiful and full of love and mercy, they aren't meant to be sexualized or twisted, they are made to be supportive and caring. And really with all the horrors going on in the world, they are the only safe and true love left.

This sounds really dramatic and nasty, thanks for the warning at least...I won't read it.

I really like your layout, first off. It's very pretty.

I can sort of relate to Roni. Mainly because I know what's it's like to lose friends and be left behind - it sucks.

Maybe she'll get to make new friends and maybe the old ones will come back. And I feel like Lexi getting sent to Germany is not a punishment, I would love to go there, haha.

Good job with the first chapter :]

Aw I feel so bad for Roni and Kobe sucks for not at least faking that he wanted to know how she was. There isn't really enough of a plot for me to get into the story yet but it sounds interesting. And I agree with the person below me, the summary was very detailed while the actual chapter was a little vague. Anyway, I hope this story is continued!

I really like the idea of this story. Im not a big incest person but from what it sounds like the characters aren't related by blood, so going through I could see how that could work. However, I feel like I got more information from your summary rather than the actual chapter. I'm interested to know what's happening between the characters, though.

Comment Swap has brought me yander. Hehe. Anyways... I really liked this idea. Though it might get confusing at some point, I pray it doesnt. LOVE your layout. Beautiful. First chapter gets the reader interested into what happened between Roni and Kobe. Plus, your writing is simple but fascinating. Or thats how I see it, in my opinion. Keep it up, I'll be looking forward to reading more of this soon. Lots of love and luck to you in your writing and future.
-NatalieDeJayy<&3

I'm not a big fan of incest, but I read the first chapter anyway.
The layout was pretty, but there wasn't much detail in the chapter itself.
I did however want to know what happened between the two characters.
The summary told me more than the actual chapter,
So keep writing so us readers can find out more!

Comment swap sort of brought me here…it’s not one of the things I normally read about, but I’m pretty open to reading anything. Anyhow, I like the layout, very beautiful, and the picture sets it off nicely. The first chapter makes the reader want to know what happened between the two - but it’s a great start, and your detailing is great.

I had a hard time reading the layout. The colors clashed and it hurt me eyes. The picture you used was pretty though. That's about my only complaint.
The only other would be there are a few slight grammer problems, but not anything serious or even noticeable unless you were looking.
I'm usually not a fan of these types but well, you're a pretty good writer so it made up for that fact. All in all, it was intersting. I think you're writing style would suit other genres, maybe fantasy. I dunno. But it was good. I enjoyed reading it, just my eyes and head are sensitive today and it hurt to read the layout. Good luck :)

:O this is an interesting idea! And your writing is pretty good too; it’s simple yet catches the reader’s attention. Besides that, I think you have a good idea going on here, I just became a bit confused at the beginning with who was who, but it’s all good. They layout is awesome as well and I am really looking forward to reading more  good luck with the story :D

...Sixth time...
Copy&Paste time. .___.

Again, I was taken here... why?
I've commented TWICE. Does Mibba want three? You know what, I'm going to copy and paste both comments.

Okay.... Comment swap brought me back here for some reason... maybe my comment wasn't long enough? Well... I don't know. There's not much to say I didn't mention in the last comment.

There's this: I liked how long your summary is, I like long summaries and always have, if you have a long summary you give a lot of information about the story to let people know whats coming, which is a good quality as a writer, I was never good at summaries, but whatever. I enjoyed this. <3

I didn't really want to read this but comment swap brought me here. I'm no fan of incest or anything like that because it's just gross.

But I ended up enjoying this, your writing style is awesome, absolutely, and I like the layout.

I like Lexis and Kobe, interesting people.
Keep writing,, I like it.

Also, I think your style would be good fr another genre, perhaps fantasy or paranormal romance.